On the up: Meditation
On the down: Visualisation gone wrong

Tsongkhapa's this fabulous Buddhist saint guy who wears this great yellow hat and is all smiling and zen and Om Ah Ra Ba Tsa Na Dhi.

You're supposed to visualise an image of Tsongkhapa in front of you as you're reciting his mantra etc. And he's supposed to be golden and radiate brilliant golden light.

Rinpoche has described it as being like the sun's reflection on a huge mountain made entirely of gold bars.

Like this:

But damn me if he doesn't look like he's got a bad perma-tan in my visualisation.

In my very ISG attempts to meditate he looks orange, like he's put on too much Ambre Solaire and I just can't fix the image.

So guess what? I ain't enlightened yet.

On the up: Spring cleaning
On the down: Accumulating crap

I tried to look for my thumb drive yesterday (damn things are so small – how not to lose!) and ended up doing a huge spring clean of my whole room.

It turns out I sure got a lot of crap.

And apparently, a girl CAN have too many handbags (even pink ones). Binned it all out to a garage sale.

Now the next mammoth task is sorting out the immense number of CDs and books, all quietly stuffed away in a cupboard which I deliberately couldn’t see.

Damnit it’s time I practice some of that nice Buddhist detachment thing and get rid of crap. So I opened the cupboard and gawked.

Have chucked out half my CDs and am totally shocked at my terrible taste in music over the years. Among the forever-discarded:
Ace of Base
Roxette
Celine Dion
Laura Pausini
Spice Girls
Snow
Warren G
And LOTS of real bad indie music

(And I’m admitting this to you?! Readership sure drop after this.)
Then again, also found heaps of cool stuff:
Tacky Disney soundtracks (Singalongs are never out of fashion)
An old Megahits album from when I was 10.
A dance album from 1997
Vintage Gershwin (sung by the old-timers)

Some of them I was undecided about so played a few back and realised that I'm getting real old. All that loud shouty Aerosmith-type stuff and angsty Radiohead just has to go now that I'm not 14 anymore.

Next up: books.

And that's gonna be blardy hard cos I'm a lit student and every book means a relationship. So many breakups all at once - have to really tahan and just give away. *cry*

On the up: Kittens
On the down: That they're stray :(

A found two litters of kittens in the apartment. Two mommy cats and five kittens that are so cute you almost want to stuff them in your pocket and take them home.

Their mommies get real cranky when you go near them though so we've taken to just feeding them from a distance and then running far far away. Today, even one of the teeny tiny cats made this horrible guttural sound at me like it was telling me to get lost (in a very rude way).

I wanted to take them all home (with the mommies) but A gave me this one-kind-of-look. Anyways the five dogs at home might trample them so they're probably better off where they are.

Loook, aren't they're la-va-lee? It's like straight out of The Aristocats cartoon!

I want a cat. I want I want I want I want.

On the up: Photos!
On the down: Not looking as nice in real life as in photos

Look! I don't look entirely like a fat troll! (ok, still a bit of a troll lah cos of the hair, but not troll enough to scare off children)

A took this pretty picture today and I love it because it looks so white and sunny and lovely. And for a change I'm not trying to be hiau or pulling some dumb face.

Dolly au naturel :p

On the up: Domestication
On the down: House chores

I've spent such an uber domestic weekend.

Saturday afternoon slumming with the commoners down by Ikano powerhouse when A and I went to look for airconditioners. Eugh, it's such a chore. A got clever and engineer-y and was talking about pipes and wires and stuff which made me very confused so I went to look at the washing machines.

Can you believe it? I actually got quite excited.

How 1950s.

There's my little secret: I love washing machines because you put everything dirty inside and it spews out a whole load full of nice-smelling clean pretty clothes.

Then Sunday afternoon my mother taught me how to make a beef casserole.

She got me chopping up the carrots and stuff and I couldn't even manage to get that right.

I am so not destined for that household thing.

My mother once said to me, "If it was the old days nobody would want to marry you lah cos you wouldn't be a good daughter-in-love."

Pui!

On that note, A rang his mother in Australia today and when I spoke to her, she asked me if A was causing any trouble up here in KL.

She said, "If he ever does anything to annoy you, make him walk the dogs." Hahaha

On the up: Individuality
On the down: Lack of originality

Remember this entry about boring Chinese girls and their straight hair?

It turns out there's a whole website promoting them. It's called Hottest Blogger (which already tells you how "original" it is) and it's plastered with Asian girls doing that VVTC Exotic Asian Girl look.

Ya lah, some of them are real pretty. Got that sweet-sweet, deer-in-the-headlights big-eyes, camera-smile kind of look. But damn me if they don't all look the same.

See what I mean about the straight long rebonded semi-dyed hair?

I have half a mind to get someone to nominate me onto that site just for a laugh to see the brickbat comments I'll get. LOL.

Anyway, I don't think the site people would even let me on those seeing as I ain't hot, I ain't got long straight hair and big fat mascara-laden eyes, and I ain't writing about how much sex I'm having with White Men.

Oh how tired!

Poor ugly me :p

On the up: Weddings parties
On the down: How scary marriage is.

Little Krystal got married last weekend. Wheeee! Weddings are fun when they’re not your own because you get to go to a party without having to say scary vows and sign scary bits of paper.

And because Krystal seems to know all the cutest boys of KL and Melbourne, the wedding was packed with eligible bachelors.

Anyway, it was first church wedding since I was 9. Lannie and I got lost just trying to get there. One Ipoh girl who doesn’t know how to go around KL, and one stupid girl who can’t read maps.

We ended up going down half a dozen dead end roads and round industrial factories before we found it.

We felt like frauds going into the church. Okay, not Lannie cos she’s a good little Christian girl (!) but I was a bit worried someone there might psychically figure out that I’m a bit of a heathen and chuck me out.

Krystal’s husband came up to the pew we were sitting in and said, “Hello Dolly” even though I’d never met him in my life.

I freaked out, “WHAT?! How you know me?!” and got very worried that maybe I already met him but forgot? In my warped head I always think that if people you don’t know, know you it’s usually because you’ve messed up big time and they’re coming to point their little fingers at you.
It’s cos Krystal showed him photos lah.

Anyway, Krystal was walked down the aisle to that Bob Carlisle song, “Butterfly Kisses” and she looked so pretty Lannie and I almost cried (cos we’re saps).

So we sang to all the hymns and cried some more when they said their vows, then pushed our way in the front for photos:

For the dinner, they put all the gym bunnies (because we’d all met Krystal in the gym) in a faraway corner of the ballroom which was fun because we could muck about and the aunties wouldn’t see

Shantini was sitting there looking around looking real worried, and then she suddenly said real quietly, “Errrrr, I’m like the only Indian in this whole room!”

There were about 40 tables, 400 people and yah, she was the only Indian.

She said she’d give us five dollars if we could find another Indian but we couldn’t. The Indian supervising waiter guy didn’t count, even though he tried to hit on her. He sent word by a waitress that he thought she looked very nice or something lame like that, so she sent back the message “Oh thank you. My husband will be very happy to hear that.” *Big fake grin.*

Bitchy.

Lannie and I were getting desperate cos there were no Indians for miles. We even considered going out to finding one to come in and sit at one of the tables for a few minutes just so we could get the five ringgit but Shantini wasn’t having any of that.

I was wearing the tightest cheong sam ever which made all the ugly bits stick out so I had to sit very straight all night and not eat. Damn difficult when you’re starving. Later I found out the sides had split a bit. Oops. See, that’s why I need to starve for a few weeks.

But we were all so damn ladylike it was impossible. Of course nothing compares to Krystal who is so small she could be the living Tinkerbell. She can sit in a thimble and still have space. This means she can wear anything AND
LOOK
FABULOUS.

Seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ... ...

It’s like the only wedding I have ever been to where there were totally cute slide shows and funny videos of the bride and groom, and no long boring sleepy speeches. Yay!

And no dried up fruitcake in a sad little cardboard box – there were Patchi chocolates. And any place with chocolate earns extra points with greedos like me.

Shantini was plotting how to steal the Patchis off the next table which was empty but they cleared it before we had the chance. Evil.

We yum senged the loudest even though we were at the back – gym bunnies what, have to maintain our reputation for being loud and attention seeking.

So, yay for fun wedding parties.

I was thinking about how I want to get married just for the big fat party and the GIANT CAKE and a big poofy dress and heaps of photographs so I can be hiau, and getting to be the centre of attention.

A few months ago I rang up Shan and told her all my party plans.

“I want to get married cos I want a BIG BIG PARTY! It’s gonna be the best party, EVER. But I don’t really like the marriage part lah. So how?”

“Uh… just have a party then. You don’t have to get married wat.”

“Oh yah…”

Shantini is so crever.

So. I’m going to go squeeze out heaps of money from somewhere and I’m going to have a fabulous birthday party this year. And only special people get invited. So there.

On the up: Kunga
On the down: That we don't see him enough?

Look, we found Jesus in the garden (all he needs is a beard, which he got rid of).

But he's Tibetan and his name is Kunga.

On the up: Internet
On the down: Not being connected to it

STILL no Internet.

It's been three weeks and I have no more faith in TM net's customer service.

There's only so much mooching off neighbours' wifis and squatting in crappy Starbucks you can put up with.

Blek.

A few things to squeeze in while I sit here mooching off Sharon's wi-fi:

- People are writing me very strange emails again trying to get me to tell them that everything they're doing wrong is actually right (It's very tiring being Aunt Agony)

- Legs are screwing with me again.

- My cupcakes are a hit! Everyone loves 'em!

- Somebody wrote asking me to change the colour of fonts on this page because it's too difficult to read. I would if I knew how to but I don't so I'm sorry, you're just going to have to grin and bear it and wear sunglasses to read or something?

- I'm going to Italy in a week!

- Joe is doing evil reverse psychology tricks on me to get me to do work. Evil evil evil evil evil. It's not working. I'm still not doing anything.

- Shantini leaves to Africa tomorrow for six months so no more kaki to mooch around with in the middle of the weekday *sniff*

Okay, that's the update until I get my connection back. Boring boring. More stories later.

Sorry lah.

Blek.

On the up: Birthdays
On the down: What they reveal about you

My batty aunty from Singapore is forever sending me forwards even though I've already told her straight, "Yima, I don't read forwards."

Anyway, I finally read something she sent which was one of those funny analysis of your personality according your birth month. No idea where it's from, or who wrote it - all this stuff is dodgy lah.

But anyway, this is what it says about August babies (me!)

outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. no self control. kind hearted. self confident. loud and boisterous*. VERY revengeful. easy to get along with and talk to. has an "everything's peachy" attitude. likes talking and singing. loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of "that someone". longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by "no pain no gain." caring. always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. independent. strong willed. a fighter.

Bits in pink are TOTALLY TRUE.


* See previous entry See! I was right. I can't help being cho-loh. It was all written in the stars!

On the up: Class
On the down: Crass

I was talking to Shantini on the phone in the garden last night. I had just got home and was still on the phone with her, and since it was a nice night out I thought I'd chat outside.

A few minutes later father comes down, opens the door and starts gesturing. "Aiyo come inside lah! You're SO LOUD!"

Uh oh. I'd just been discussing very strange neurotic tendencies with Shantini and now all the neighbours had heard.

I went inside still talking away and father in the background is going,

"Aiyo you ah! You're so loud you know! It's so embarrassing! You're a real bloody Chinaman."

Choy.

I'm just excited is all!

I can't help being loud lah. Everyone keeps telling me to shut up and keep my voice down.

Even other girly friends tell me, "Eh please lah, don't be so cho-loh? See-mun a bit can or not!"

Um, I like to think it's all part of my vivacious happy outgoing nature. HAH.

On the up: Cheap thrills
On the down: Expensive highs

I was so excited about the cupcake thing that I took photos of it on my phone and sent it to everyone. "Look look! See my fabulous cupcakes!"

I dropped some over to DameKhang and insisted they all eat one. When I came back 2 hours later I could hear Seng Piow shouting from the back room, "THEY'RE SO SWEET!"

Yalah, that's the whole point! "Yah but are they nice or not?!"

"Yah but they're SO SWEET"!

Nevermind.

It got me thinking how really stupid small idiotic nonsense things really excite me but when you tell me something important I'm just "Oh...err... really? And then forget."

Like yesterday, I found a website that sold Vintage Strawberry Shortcake dolls. There was no one else around at the time so I flipped out to myself and made excited noises into the keyboard.
EEP

I was so excited that when I went into work I squealed down at everyone else: "OHMYGOD DoyourememberStrawberryShortcake?"

Sophia knit her eyebrows together and said, "Is that a band?"

Choy!

And then just the other day I realised I'm going to Italy with Paul and Joe which is (yay!) just like the uber trendy French Paul & Joe who do the best clothes and makeup EVER. That totally excited me even though it's really really quite a dumb no-big-deal thing.

And the Paul and Joe I know wouldn't be anything like the French Paul and Joe. They're not French, and they don't design lipgloss and cute fifties' outfits for a living.

But I've still been going Paul&Joe Paul&Joe Paul&Joe in my head. I even told Joe this new little revelation but he chose to ignore that message on MSN.

Nevermind.

At tsok pujas, when the tantric initiates are setting up their offerings, I sit there eyeing up the beads that Mr Khong uses for his mandala set. Actually if I'm not careful, I spend the whole long 2-hours looking at the beads.

Mind, Tsok is like the pujas of pujas and is super holy and heaps of good karma etc etc but I'm sitting on my meditation cushion checking out shiny yellow beads.

Kandarohi said conspiringly, "I dare you to tell Mr Khong that you covet his beads."

So I did and added, "Just WHERE did you get them from?" *blink*

He looked at me like WHAT is this girl doing in my face? And then said, "Errr... I dunno lah. My wife bought them."

A has said to me once: "You know, sometimes you really don't show your intelligence."

At least he thinks I have some!

Om Ah Ra Ba Tsa Cupcake

On the up: A freelancer's life
On the down: Inconsistency

Okay, so freelancing is fabulous because you can decide to fuck off in the middle of the week and go hang out with your friends.

Shantini is leaving KL for 6 months so I'm shelving all work obligations aside and spending the last week doing silly things with her to make the most of it.

Today we stuffed our faces with momos and then headed off to get our nails done.

I decided to do double colours on my fingernails again.

"What do you think?" I asked Shan, pointing out two pink shades, one really light and one really fushcia.

"Don't you think it's a bit too lollipop?"

I stared at her. Like, d'uh.

"Oh yah, it's you, I forgot. Of course. Yah okay, go for it."

Lollipop fingers and toes.

Halfway through the manicure, I get an SMS from Joe telling me I'm getting paid for work and he's wondering who to write the cheque out to. Yay!

That's the other good thing about freelancing - money never comes in regularly like it does for 9-5ers but when it does come it's a big fat happy surprise. Today I let myself live under a sort of illusion that I "wasn't doing any work" and still got paid! (Yah, yah I'm only kidding myself).

*plop* A cheque.

On the up: Beautiful people
On the down: Ugly people?

I interviewed a real nice interior design guy the other day who said he didn't think there was such as thing as ugly people. "There are only lazy people," he said.

I don't agree.

Sometimes you see people and you think to yourself, "There is just no way you could do anything other than invasive drastic surgery to make that person look beautiful."

Shantini was being diplomatic and lovely as usual when I asked her what she thought. She said, "No. I think everyone can be beautiful. Sometimes all you need is just good makeup and styling."

Then again, Shantini is an Oprah Winfrey girl and believes in the positive, fabulous potential of everybody. These nice people make me sick lah I tell you!

Just then this err... not so nice looking person came into the restaurant. I said, "Okay what about her? She's ugly! What can you do about her?"

Shantini actually thought about it and came up with a few tips for her.

I was like no way. It still won't work.

I asked Bibi the same question that same day. "Do you think there are ugly people, or just lazy people?"

He said, "There are ugly people." The end.

Then I asked A what he thought.

"Of course there are ugly people. What are you talking about, man?!" That was the end of the discussion. It was like I had asked him if the sun rose in the north. Like d'uh! Of course there are ugly people.

Bibi explained it with karma. That actually, the separate things that make up a face are just eyes, ears, a nose, a mouth... what makes one person have a better "combination" or look more beautiful than anyone else? Karma karma karma! In other words, big fat bad luck.

So errr... Dear Buddha, here are some nice flowers for you. In exchannge, can I have some nice karma to be booootiful next lifetime? Thank you. Amen.

On the up: Late nights
On the down: A temperamental body clock

I spent last Saturday night in Rinpoche's living room. We're there for work, doing extensive interviews about his life story for a biography I'm going to write (it's going to be a mega fabulous book and if you don't buy a copy of it for everyone you know I will stab you in the eye with my stilettos).

Anyway, when it's with Rinpoche doing work also pretty much means entertainment for 12 hours. Literally. We started at 6pm and ended at 6.30am.

Joe and Seng Piow looked ready to pass out on the pakai flooring.

Susan was falling asleep into her notebook.

I was starting to feel quite disgusting for not having had a shower in ages.

But it was fun :D

At the beginning of the evening, Rinpoche showed us this photo of himself.




Or something that looks like this lah. He was sorting through pics needed for the book.

He's like, "What do you think? Do you like it?"

Everyone was like well yah, of course!

He's asked why.

There was a big fat pause while everyone thought of something clever and flattering to say.

"Well, cos you look hot!" I blurted out because I can't stand silence. Like d'uh, I thought, it IS a hot photo. (Imagine saying that to your Guru, geez).

"Yes okay but apart from that?! Can you think of something intelligent to say and can you think with something other than your juices?!"

I was very aware that I'm in the same room as Seng Piow who I always feel extra daft around. I felt real stupid, but that's nothing really new is it.

Later, we were talking about David.

"I won't tell you how many times Paris* tried to bed David!!!!"

*horrified* (Remember, Seng Piow is still there). Everyone has that "OMG She's so flighty WHAT is she doing here?" look on their face.

"You know, I asked her in the beginning why she liked coming to the centre. She said, "Cos there are cute boys!"

*horrified*

"You know, you're totally rude, obnoxious, vain, loud ________ (insert many other obnoxious sounding adjectives) BUT AT LEAST YOU'RE HONEST."

This must be some sort of clever ploy to convince the entire male population of the Dharma centre that I am a flake so they won't let me get near any of them. I think it's working. (And anyway, just for the record - I'm only looking what!).

Then tonight I watched this thing on Oprah Winfrey where she interviews Pink and a whole bunch of people about Stupid Girls....

....and I really think it's about time to smarten up a bit.

*Rinpoche's nickname for me. Long story which I can't be bothered to explain now.

Labels: Rinpoche

On the up: Confidence
On the down: Neurosis

I am having one of my neurotic, paranoid, freak out days again.

It's so damn tiring and I thought I'd gotten over that sort of thing long time ago?

Maybe it's because of this starvation thing I'm doing - not having enough food makes me neurotic and depressed. Then again, it's much nicer to be able to fit into my clothes.

Anyway, am thinking about how strange it is that so many people are all "Oh, your life is so sorted! You have the best life" and I wonder if they'd think the same if they got into my head sometimes.

A LOT of people used to say to me "I don't understand how come you look so happy all the time."

I just gawk at them. "W...W....WHAT?"

Actually, it's funny because people always seem to say that to me whenever I'm in a depressed phase and I look at them and think "What are you on?! Can't you see? The world is falling down! The world is falling down!"

So Chicken Little. I was not born in the year of the rooster for nothing.

Okay, am going out with Bibi to wallow in self pity now. Blek

On the up: Pretty lacy knickers
On the down: Old knickers

This is totally horrifying and really quite disgusting but there are holes all over my clothes!

Someone pointed out a gigantic hole in one of my skirts today (from Zara no less - the prices SO do not reflect the quality). When I went upstairs to change, I discovered there was also a hole in my gstring.

And it was one of my favourites too :(

How totally shaming!

On the up: Change
On the down: Being stuck in a time warp

Because I *ahem* seem to have so much free time to procrastinate in between working (“Don’t tell Joe!”), I go on Friendster sometimes to look at photos of old school friends and try to shock myself at how different some of them look.

Actually, no. I LOOK for shock factor but actually almost all of them look exactly the same…

…which I find incredibly weird. How is it that someone I knew 12 years ago looks exactly the same now as they did then?! It’s like their bodies set themselves into a mould by age 12 and nothing ever changed ever again.

There are some people I’ve known since I was 7 and they really really really still look exactly the same. Now, 18 years later, they’re just a bit taller, grew boobies and changed their glasses. But otherwise, same hair, same way of smiling, same everything.

It’s just too weird *freaks* Looking at Friendster feels like I’m in a time warp where everyone else is the same and I’m the only person who changed. Ever.

I ask myself, “Don’t they get bored looking eternally the same? Don’t they even want to like, try a new hair style?!”

Okay wait. I explain.

I find it all so weird because I have seen how I myself have changed so much since only last year and find that concept of Never Changing in 18 years incredibly strange. (It’s disturbing!)

Okay to prove a point of why I think non-change is such a bizarre alien concept, here is a photo timeline of the metamorphosis of a Dolly in the past 12 years. (God I can't believe I'm going to post such ugly pictures...)

Okay, so in case you haven't already guessed, this was just an excuse for me to post pictures of myself. I am so turning into Xiaxue aren't I?

Then again, the ugly pictures are hardly what you call being vain.

Anyway, not that I think I am totally supermodel or anything, but I think the sheer change from totally fugly aged12 to 76kg-aged17 to now merits some goddamn applause.

And of course, proves that point about change and how I find it so weird that within that same time frame, other people I've known have remained as untransformed as the old relics you find in Greece.

On the up: Fear
On the down: Facing it?

I went to fill up my car with petrol today and accidentally spilt petrol on my feet as I was moving the nozzle. I FREAKED OUT.

Oh my god, now I have petrol fumes all around me. Next time I use my mobile phone I'm going to explode in a big flame like in this episode in CSI.

I rang into DameKhang and the first thing I said when I saw Jenny: "OH MY GOD I spilt petrol all over my feet. Am I going to blow up?!?!"

She rolled her eyes.

I am so full of phobias. Other fears:

- Getting arrested. When my car get pulled over by a police, or the customs officer at KLIA stops me, I totally freak. Please don't fine me, please don't chuck me in jail, please don't give me the life sentence.

- Frogs - with their horrible slimy bodies and big googly eyes and webby feek. Yuck yuck yuck.

- Having people I like totally hate me.

- Stepping barefoot in a dirty public toilet. I even have dreams about this and it weirds me out for days after that.

- Performing in public. I have dreams about this too - that evil evil neverending dream about playing a piano piece that I haven't practised.

I'm a basket case, aren't I? *needs professional help*

On the up: Energy
On the down: Exhaustion

It isn't just me, I promise. Everyone else seems to having the shits recently - allergies, flu, cough, bad bad bad and constant exhaustion. Gerry told me it's cos I sleep too much but that's not it either - if I sleep 12 hours I feel just as exhausted as if I'd only slept 4.

Anyway, I refused to get out of bed today until all the crazy exhausting dreams went away and I had my fill of snooze. Got up at 11.30 and felt light as a bird, ready to take over the world again.

I got called to DameKhang to audition for a voiceover for this video on Gaden. Seng Piow did his fancy recording thing and then played it back like a thousand times so I had to hear my ugly voice on repeat like a broken record. It is SO HORRIBLE!

(There's a whole new concept of hell - they make you sit in an empty room and play recordings of your voice over and over and over again).

Sharon got the job hands down because she's got this voice like warm butter which makes you just want to go to sleep under a big fluffy blanket.

Anyway, oh yah, went on a big detour but going back to that thing about everyone being exhausted: I am amazed at just how fabulous some people look even if they're flu-ridden, haven't slept in 10 days and are surviving on eating cheap bread.

When I saw Joe I said, "Oh my god, what happened to you? You look like you haven't slept in like three days."

He's like "Uh... yah, I really haven't..."

Actually, it doesn't make a difference because he still looks on top form.

Also Ruby - who really doesn't ever sleep and eats about as much as a 3-month-old baby. She always has perfectly manicured nails, perfectly brushed hair, perfectly coordinated clothes and eyes that sparkle.

How do they do it?! It's just NOT fair. No fair, no fair.

On the up: People who read my rubbish
On the down: Not enough people to read my rubbish

Okay, so there are only about two people reading this blog now - Bibi and Jean Ai. Never mind cos they're two of my favourite people so even if I am writing for two people it's okay. In tribute of their support and comments (cos no one else comments, grrr) I'll take a break from talking about myself and talk about them:

Bibi (of The Ship fame) has this totally ISG (I'm so good), smiling look on his face all the time but is er.. totally evil. The end.
Post script: he is also one of the most caring people I know and know so much stuff (spiritiual and everything else), it's impossible. Also, I hate him because he can lose weight so fast and looks better in a Sailor Moon costume than I ever will. Pffft.

Jean Ai also has this completely angelic 19-year-old look, demeanour, way of talking, expression but is also totally not. I actually met her mother first, and then her. We ran all over Nepal together pestering Angelic Dharma David with stupid questions, and everytime I see her at the centre (which isn't a lot now she's defected and gone over to the land of White Boys) we sit there looking at boys and making rude gestures at each other while somebody is saying something holy and serious. Her favourite phrase is, "DON'T TELL MY MOTHER BUT..."

Jean Ai also just pointed out that SP Googles himself and he is SO going to find this one day and then because everyone in Kechara has a mouth the size of Kansas, they are all going to find out how evil I am gossiping about them online...

Um... then again, there's only like two people reading it anyway, right?

On the up: Pedicures
On the down: Not having an appointment

I can't believe I'm going to talk about this but I spent about an hour running all over the Bukit Bintang area looking for someone to give me a pedicure. Everywhere was full up - Starhill, Piccolo Galleria, Lot 10.

I'm not big on pedicures - normally I can't sit still for so long and I always feel kind of bad for the person who has to touch and look at my ugly feet. But for some reason, I was OBSESSED about getting my feet done today.

So I was running all over the place, and just as I went into Piccolo Galleria, I see David clomping down the escalator. David is one of those very angelic boys who manages Kechara Mystical Treasures (Dharma shop affiliated to the centre) and is super Dharma. He's also quite cute in a goofy way which makes me very nervous talking to him.

Anyway, he's all "Oh what you YOU doing here?" (because err... I'm never in the area and being remotely near something Dharma is always a big, fat surprise for everyone).

So I "confess" that I'm trying to find somewhere that'll do me a pedicure.

He laughs and laughs and looks at me like I'm a little crazy.

Then I think, Oh my god, he is so going to blab to everyone that he saw me in town trying to get prettify my feet.

"DON'T TELL JOE!" I said quickly.

All the work I'm doing for Kechara Media and Publications comes from Joe, and somehow he's managed to get it into his pretty head that I'm this real hard working Dharma chick who doesn't have time for anything because I'm doing soooo much Dharma work. In a strange fit on inspiration the other day, I even offered to do more work and help him out with the crazy workload but he protested and said "No no no no no, you're already doing sooooooo much."

And here I am running around for hours trying to find someone to scrub my feet and paint my toenails.

On the up: Seng Piow
On the down: Being scared of him

I was talking to BiBi yesterday about how I'm totally scared of Seng Piow and he's not my type at all blah blah but:

"When I see his beautiful photographs, IT TOTALLY TURNS ME ON."

Bibi understands because he is always falling in love with totally ugly, old people, the only attraction being that he likes their intellect and talent.

"Yes! I know. Being brilliant is totally sexy," he said.

Not that SP is ugly or anything lah. He's actually pretty good looking. He's just so quiet and sits in a corner, that you err... never ever notice. And he's sooo mysterious which scares us totally silly.

On the up: blah blah blah
On the down: blah blah blah

I am SO not in the mood to talk to anyone. Typing is about the extent of my communication at the moment. I just can't be arsed to open my mouth. Can you believe that?! Me, not wanting to talk? I amaze myself.

I even thought it might be easier to send about 12 continuous SMSes to Shantini just now instead of just talking to her.

Of course, just when I'm in a shitty mood, I discover that a whole bunch of 17-year-olds are reading my column (yuck), some of my not-very-favourite people are reading this blog (yuck yuck) and I am getting emails from people pouring out their relationship problems and suicidal tendencies to me.

A big part of me wants to write back "DO I LOOK LIKE I RUN THE SELF-HELP SECTION IN MPH?" but I don't really fancy the bad karma that comes with that, in case the crazy really does do off with herself with a gas pipe.

GAH all I want to do is sit in a corner, edit books, drink water and have everyone leave me alone.

On the up: Personal space
On the down: People who get in it and stamp up and down

A most fabulous friend, S, wrote a fantasic blog entry recently about personal space and how much he freaks out when someone gets into it. I need to talk about this because it is THE BIGGEST GRIPE I have - I just can't stand people getting in my space.

Example: The other day, this REALLY irritating girl I've had the misfortune to meet while doing some volunteer work rang me up as I was getting in the car to drive to Kepong for work (os obviously, I was already in a bad mood. Kepong, c'mon...). I've only met this girl twice, a total of about 6 hours, but she already thinks we like this, so close that she's telling me all her relationship problems and wants to know all of mine.

So she rings up. Within the first 30 seconds she had asked "What are you doing? Where are you going? What is your work for? What work are you doing? How is your boyfriend? (she's never met him) Where is your boyfriend? What is he doing? What does he work as?"

Really, even my mother doesn't ask me those questions.

Then she proceeded to tell me all about how she went out on Saturday, met loads of guys, took one back to her hotel room, slept with him and then told him to leave (Do I look like I give a shit?!) And then, "Oh we have to go out sometime!!!"

THEN AGAIN TODAY:

I was at Rinpoche's place until 8.30am this morning after a 12-hour gab session (plus work lah), so I didn't get to sleep until 9.30am.

3pm the phone rings and it's an unidentified number so stupid me answered the phone because I thought it was someone from work. It was her. ARG.

"HI!!!!!!! What are you doing?"

...which is a question I hate people asking me anyway, least of all when I'm asleep.

"Mmmmfffphhp I'm sleeping," I said very sleepily hoping she'd get the hint and get off the fucking phone.

"Oh, why are you sleeping?!"

"mmffhphmmm um... hmmmmm... uhhhh cos I went to bed at 9 this morning."

"WHY did you go to sleep at 9 this morning? WHAT were you doing?"

I thought if I tried to keep quiet long enough she would get the effing hint and leave me alone. But she really was sitting on the other side of the line waiting for a response. So I said, "I was working."

"Okay, well I'll call you back later. What time shall I call you back?"

I SO did not want her to call back so I asked what it was about, is it urgent?

"I really need someone to volunteer at an event this Sunday. Are you free?"

I said I can't cos I'm already busy.

"Oh! Why are you going to be busy? What are you doing? "

Like what the fuck business is it of hers? My best friends don't ask me these questions man.

"Got something on at the Dharma centre."

"OH!!!! Dharma centre? Where is your Dharma centre? I want to come volunteer too!!!!"

Oh my god. Can you imagine. I sooo don't want her to come.

Although, if I'm being super Dharmic and compassionate, I should let her come, right? Introduce her to something good and all that. Well I was warned! They told me once you do Kurukulle's practice and have her statue, you start attracting WEIRDOS!

Well, I have a Kurukulle and I'm not even practising properly but man do I seem to attrack these crazy space-sucking people. And once they get in your personal space, that's it! They're moving in with their whole extended family and signed a life-long tenancy agreement.

Ugh, why can't people just leave me alone!!! I'm not that interesting, I promise. I'm actually realllly boring and I'm mean and I take advantage of people and I hate people and I just want to sit in a cave for the rest of my life and talk to stones.

On the up: Roosters!
On the down: ~nil~

I mean chicken as in I was born in the year of, not that I'm cowardly (although I do seem to get freaked out a hell of a lot of things so maybe it means that too).

So I was Rinpoche's old Friend, Diana the other day about how Chocolate Shirley's daughter was asking me why I still own My Little Ponies and how I couldn't explain to a 6-year-old why I was acting like I was 6-years-old.

Then Diana goes, "No, no. That's a very rooster thing. They take a long time to mature."

HAHA! So you see, it's in the stars. I can't help it. My immaturity has been set way before I was born.

Then I had a think about all the other roosters I know and they're all damn silly and refuse to grow up. In fact, I'm probably the most matured rooster I know!

On the up: The cute boys at Imbi plaza
On the down: My shit Cantonese

I think I must be the only person in the world who actually thinks the boys at Imbi plaza are kind of cute.

It's cos I like 'em small and my height (which isn't very tall), with smooth faces and these ah-beng Chinese-ed boys in Imbi all have damn nice complexion.

So I went in there today to get myself a wireless modem thing and I know about as much technology as a kindergarten kid knows algebra. AND I'm kiasu as hell so I go round and round and round trying to find the best deal.

And I make all the boys explain everything to me like a hundred times like I'm a real idiot (which I am), all the while trying to talk to them in my shit Cantonese. I wonder if maybe they just help me because I provide the day's amusement.

I finally cornered this one guy and he was explaining all this stuff to me and reassuring me a thousand times that it's USER FRIENDLY if not I freak out even before I start. I was jabbering in my rubbish Cantonese of course, so eventually he asked if I had just come back from studying abroad.

Of course not. I've been back 3 years but I just said yah yah I've been away and that's why my Cantonese is so bad, sorry lah. But he was all oh, don't worry it's okay what.

See, Imbi plaza boys are so nice. Oklah so they have to be nice to you becaue they're trying to do business but I think to put up with my Chinese and my distinct lack of technological knowledge is a BIG FAT plus. So I didn't even bother bargaining (imagine! Kiasu Klang-Hokkien me didn't bargain?!)

AND and and I found The Simple Life 3 at Imbi and bought it from some frightening little guy with a giant hole stretched in his ear. YAYYYYYYY! I love Imbi. Love love love.

(I just got off the phone with Shantini and when I told her I love all the boys in Imbi she says, "Yah! It's because they're all short and ugly, right?!" So matter of fact. Gee, what faith in my taste in men!)

On the up: Seng Piow
On the down: How scary he can be

I have officially decided that Seng Piow is the scariest person I have ever met.

More scary than that big red-head Carly from boarding school who used to threaten to beat us up.

More scary than that horrid history teacher from Middle School who thought she was a Nazi (can't remember her name, tried to forget as quickly as I could).

More scary than June Wong at The Star.

More scary than those people lurking around dark alleys.

More scary than the ghostie in Shutter.

And the even more perverse weird thing is Seng Piow is scary in a good way. Like you put on your best behaviour when you're around him and suddenly become quite a good person. And you really want to be his friend because if you're his friend then everything stops being scary and you've conquered a hard life thing.

On the up: Cosmopolitan, expat Bangsar
On the down: Stupid guai los

I love Bangsar Shopping Centre - it has everything you need and places to eat (always important). But the snooty guailos who seem to think Bangsar is their backyard are definitely a problem.

I went food shopping today (for the fruit salad for my new diet remember). Didn't bother with trolleys because I'm crap at manoeuvering them so took one of those bright green plastic baskets.

Anyway, was at the vegetable section picking up tomatoes or whatever, and when I turned around to move away from the counter, I actually swung my basket into some bigtallugly guai lo's arm. Oops.

He was all

OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW

*GLARE*

*Rubbing his arm with a big dramatic flourish*

*Snarling evilly at me*

I apologised profusely, as you do, but he continued to glare evilly at me as if I had intentionally gone out of my way to whack him with my basket.

It was an effing plastic basket! And it only had like 4 bananas and 2 avocados in it. How much harm could it do?

Really, these guai los think we should give them a flipping red carpet and move away when they walk past us or what?

On the up: Honesty
On the down: Being told the cold hard truth

*I know it's the big golden no-no to talk about weight and and fatness etc but I'm going to do it anyway. Pfft*

I was very holy and went to a migtsema prayer session yesterday. I was feeling just sooooooooo ISH (I’m so holy) and virtuous.

Then just as I walked through the door, I saw Gerry across the room furiously gesturing me with her phone. She’s on a silent retreat, so no talking (Oh god! Can you imagine!) so she communicates by typing messages on her phone.

So I trotted over thinking it would be something hilarious and bitchy as usual. It said, “Oh my god, what a fat faery!” (She calls me a faery because of my MSN nick, and the pair of wings she bought me for xmas).

I was like, “WHAT!”

Then I sat down on a cushion next to this lady, Sio Chian, and complained. “Geraldine just told me I got fat.”

She looked at me and said, “Yah, you put on weight alright!”

I was like, “WHAT WHAT!” So effing blah.

I spent the rest of the prayer session (3 malas of migtsema… gah) thinking about how to lose weight instead of doing proper meditaiton.

The disturbing thing is that Gerry and Sio Chian are the only two (of three) people in the world who I don’t mind telling me I’m fat to my face. So I can’t even get irritated by them saying that. They just say it like, you know, “Oh, the weather is nice today. There is conflict in Nepal. You got fat.” Not like people who say it to you just to make you feel bad (you know the sort, and you know who you are if you do that! Pffft!).

So, if Gerry and Sio Chian go “Oh my god, what a fat faery!” you know they’re saying the truth.

Okay lah so I know I’m getting blah again. Zip-up skirts don’t fit around the hips anymore and end up being squeezed through the waist. Yuck. And I haven’t been able to run around the gym 6 times a week doing step like crazy because of my stoopid legs.

But I’ve been ignoring the fact and thinking it’s only cos PMS is making me bloat (okay, not that much, I know but I like the illusion okay?). And it doesn’t help that I have friends that keep feeding me nice things.

So how?

I have to do that university thing again where I just eat fruit salad for dinner. Pengsan.

What to do? Either that, or can’t fit my clothes, look like Mr. Blobby and have people shouting across prayer halls at me that I got fat.

On the down: A busted modem
On the up: Being pushed to work

Okay, so I haven’t been able to stay away from the Internet. Sharon is letting me mooch off her connection for now so I can still maintain an illusion that I’ve got a hold on the world.

On the upside, the lack of connectivity has forced me to do heaps of work. Last night, I pounded my way through 2 ½ items on a my “to do” list which is a bloody big deal since it normally takes me a week just to get through part of a half of maybe one of the items.

And and and… going over to Sharon’s forces the both of us to get working on books we’re editing together. So we’re both being real good little girls getting all this work done.

Somebody up there decided to take away MSN from me and just look at the productivity!

On the up: The Internet
On the down: Not having access (gah!)

My modem has decided it's sick of working all the time so it's conked out and gone into a modem coma. Its lights keep blinking at me like one of those sad life-support machines and I can't get it to wake up and work.

Since as almost all my work depends on being connected (i.e. having people send irate messages/emails throughout the day reminding me about work), this no-Internet business is driving me nuts!! *freak* I have to resort to squatting in Sharon's house (which is what I'm doing now), or worse, crappy Starbucks until some very intelligent person from TMnet comes to fix it...

...which I don't think is going to happen because the guy I spoke to on the customer service line sounded really dumb.

He kept saying "Okayokayokay" to everything. It was like, "Okayokayokay, can I please know who I'm talking to."

So I told him.

"Okayokayokay, ah Miss, now... okay, I will submit the report okay, and then someone will ring you."

I asked him how long it will take.

"Okayokayokay, okay... um... okay, it will take 24 to 48 working hours. Okay?"

I was starting to think all the okays meant it really wasn't going to be.

Anyway, 48 working hours - that's more than a week if you consider how people here don't work more than 4 hours a day anyway). Gaaaaah!

Oh god, I sound totally addicted, don't I? *needs counselling*

On the up: Eternal youthfulness
On the down: Being reminded that you're um... older

Chocolate Shirley (who we are now calling Silly because it seems to suit better) came round to my place on Saturday and brought her little 6-year-old daughter Izabella with her. Silly had told Bella that I had just bought a My Little Pony so I brought it down to show her. I also showed her the huge pair of wings that I had worn out for Christmas last year.

Bella looked at it. Then she looked at me. She looked weirded out.

"How old are you? Why do you still play with all this stuff?"

Errrrr. Ok, a 6-year-old was asking a 25-year-old why she still behaves like a 6-year-old.

"Actually I look old but I'm not really, I'm still very young," I said.

"Yes, but how old are you?"

"I'm 10."

"No you're lying. I can see you laughing. How old are you really? Don't lie!" (Kids can be so persistent man!)

"Ok, I'm 25."

"25?! But my mummy was 25 and when she was 25 she didn't play with all this stuff. Why do you still play with this stuff?"

Funny yah, all my friends who are 25 and up think it's perfectly normal that I just got a glittery My Little Pony and a 6 year old thinks it's all highly suspicious.