On the up: Being awake
On the down: Falling asleep (very often)

It's been feeling a bit like spiritual boot camp lately what with the strange (though adrenaline-fuelled and enlightening) irregular nights and hanging out with the Buddhas all day long. Other things are starting to feel a bit mundane. Meh.

There was the Bangkok trip but that is going to be a really really long post because there was so much that happened in 3 days. When you're travelling with a Rinpoche, it's not likely you'll sleep much, but that's the whole point, isn't it!

Got back on Saturday and on Sunday (yesterday), Joe had scheduled another meeting

*stabs him in the head when he's not looking*

Okay, no lar, not so violent. Rinpoche's long time mentor from his early early early days in Thubten Dargye Ling centre in LA is in KL for three weeks, and the writers were invited over to spend the evening with Rinpoche and Mamie - sort of reunion thing lah.

Oh my god. Mamie is a walking diary. She remembers absolutely EVERYTHING and has more stories inside her little head than all the bookshelves of all the children in the whole entire world.

And now, SHE is the ultimate zen high priestess. She's just all trippy and happy and fun and nothing ruffles her feathers. She's like a walking Dharma dolly and she has plenty to tell and breathe.

I just wish I wasn't half asleep from trying to recover from BKK and the past two weeks of non-sleep.

By 3am, Mamie went off to bed but we all stayed downstairs talking to Rinpoche about all sorts of fantastic stuff (and I mean "fantastic" in that 19th century sort of way where it's all about things Not Of This Realm).

Got lots of my nigglybiggly questions about practice and yidams (meditational deities) answered and we all turned a slightly sick shade of green hearing about JP being oh-so-soooo Vajrayogini and getting the hell out of samsara faster than the rest of us (Okay, not really. No envy, no jealousy, I promise. I'm veeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrry happy-smappy for him and the new plan is to hang around more so the positivity might rub off).

Weird though, how your mind does all this strange shit to you. Like how I was sitting there thinking, "Damnit why don't *I* get to be special and have Vajrayogini practice toooooooooooooooo? *cry ego ego ego cry*"

Then mentally smacked myself because hey, trust that your Lama knows what will or won't suit your path best lah, you stoopid hollow bell.

Isn't it disturbing how all this ego just sort sticks up its knobbly hand and waves insanely when you actually think you're all floating on a lotus cloud, all compassion and ego-free... But maybe sometimes the doubt can be good though because it makes you think properly instead of just going completely agro and/or doing things totally blind???

Anyway, during one of the breaks when we got up to stretch legs and eat cake in the kitchen, I WhisperWhispered to JP so the Buddhas couldn't hear, "So you think we're going to be here until 11am again hahahahaha" And he just gave me this look.

By 6am, Rinpoche showed no signs of flagging. You know what, like JJ said so puuurfectly, "They don't call them the AWAKENED ones for nothing!" I swear, Rinpoche is the energiser bunny, except even the energiser bunny runs out of batteries at some point and Rinpoche NEVER.

Anyway, at 6ish, he said, "Okay folks, big bad Rinpoche is going upstairs to do his sadhana now!"

Okay, I confess, though I LoveLoveLove being around Rinpoche and getting all these amazing teachings, a little evil exhausted part of me thought, "Oh yay. Pillow!!! Enfin!"

7 hours later, we were still there.

Sharon had to leave early.
Then Susan had to leave early.
Then Ben had to leave early.

I could have left with them but then thought I didn't have to go for anything so had no "excuse" to leave really and thought it owuld be rude in the face of Enlightenment. Anyway, I was kiasugreedy and didn't want to miss out. So brave me stayed, oh-so-unattached-to-sleep.

Ommm...

Of course, pick games again. This time some real gems.

Joe got to pick:
- Go up to Gaden Tri Rinpoche (the highest ranking person in the Gelugpa school of Tibetan Buddhism, and the only other person in the entire Tibetan Buddhist tradition that can replace the Dalai Lama for teachings) and punch him, put it up on YouTube and say how much you hate him.
OR
-Marry JP in Australia, and you have to be Mrs. JP.

JP got lots of Bill Keith picks again. Many, many, many variations on:
Have sex with Bill Keith or all the animals in zoo negara?

Ben got:
Perform the 64 arts of love with Bill Keith in front of your mother
OR
Go to Tianamen Square in broad daylight, with a Falungong tshirt and vandalise Chairman Mao's picture.

At some point, JP asked, "Why don't you ask Paris?!"

Rinpoche said, "Paris? Because she's not resistant. She's like, whatever!"

haha!

I asked Rinpoche in Bangkok why pick games were always horrible options. "Like, why don't we ever get to pick between two really, really nice things for a change?!"

He said, "Because it's about getting rid of your attachments and hang ups. Those options aren't disgusting on their side. They're disgusting because you think they're disgusting. So I'll keep giving you those things as options until you stop being hung up about not liking them."

Also, the deal with the pick game is that if you don't pick one, you have to have both, so having two good things doesn't work, of course.

I guess it's not just torture then. It's a big fat lesson to get over yourself!

I still totally utterly completely dislike You Know Who though (okay, *some* of you know but I will show face a bit by not publishing his name in black&white).

As it started to get really bright through the windows, Rinpoche was talking to JP again about spiritual responsibilities, where he hopes to take us all in our paths and how he's training us up to take the hard stuff later.

He said, "Why do you think I invite you out to hang out and spend all this time at weird hours together?"

By then I was really feeling like old lettuce, all soggy and brown round the edges. I thought, "Well, gee, good for JP but what the hell am *I* doing here still?!"

Then right then, he said to JP, "And why do you think we've got Paris here? It's definitely not to look at her clothes!"

Oh dear. You mean, it's going to get tougher in the future!! (why else the "training?")

At 7ish, Mamie had woken up, came down for breakfast and started telling heaps of stories again. My head was really getting all *FUZZ* and soon everything just started to sound like random white noise.

I was trying to concentrate. I WAS! But she kept blurring out into a distant blob and everything she was saying started to sound like how a TV sounds when you fall asleep in the living room. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Everyone had left by then and Rinpoche had started doing his sadhana so it was really up to me, JP and YekYee to pay attention and engage. Thank god for JP and his Eyes Like Teacups, which makes him look more awake than the average person at any given time.

Finally, at 1pm. Rinpoche jumped off his seat and announced, "Okay Mamie! I'm going to sleep now. Bye bye!" and disappeared as quickly as the night had been long.

*Blink* He was gone.

Labels: Rinpoche, Vajrayogini

On the up: Rinpoche's entire life
On the down: Sleep deprivation

I am disgustingly busy and tired and washed-off-my-flat-feet in a way that really surprises my lazy self, but I just HAVE to blog this (PS It's taken me 3 days to write this, that's how busy!)

We had an interview session with Rinpoche on Monday night for his biography. From past sessions, we knew that this would be a very long night, so Sharon even came in her comfy sweats like she was staying over for a slumber party. Good thing she did, because we started at 8pm and ended at 11am (I still had heaps of work and meetings the day after so didn't get to sleep until 1am on Wed morning... an amazing feat for sleep-attached me)

But it was all totallycompletely100% worth it - it's crazy how much can happen in 15 hours and has this peculiar impact on me that nothing else ever comes close to. After hanging out with Rinpoche, going back to normal work and stuff feels just so ordinary and mundane and Totally Blah.

There is so much to his story that it would be impossible to get it all in one night. After the 12 hours, we had only gotten through about maybe 5% and it was already making our heads spin. You just wouldn't believe the kind of shit he went through, especially not as he's sitting 2 feet away from you radiating light and compassion and infinite joy all the time.

When I first started with Dharma, and went to Nepal with Rinpoche and some of the centre's members, we met one of Rinpoche's old friends, an old Tibetan Lama called Phutok Rinpoche who'd spent 22 years in political prison in Tibet (thanks to the charming Chinese who decided it would be fun to chuck lots of monks and nuns into jail). Phutok Rinpoche sat there in his miniscule room talking to us like yoda, full of light in his eyes and a smile as full of joy as it was of wrinkles that makes you cry into your tea.

Back then, it was inspiring and all that, but hearing Rinpoche's story caused a hundred million more sparks to light up and scream in my head. There is so much in it that would make you cry, but then you kind of realise that the whole point of it is not to cry, that you should actually be doing more for more people because you have this little magical chance right in front of you to do something that could change someone completely (and even if it doesn't, the possibility that it could becomes enough).

There's stuff in his life that scares you, saddens you, makes you laugh, makes you scream because it's so unbelievable and then, makes you want to get enlightened like RIGHT NOW because you see that it's alive and real and completely possible to get beyond where you are now.

You have GOT to buy the biography when we write it. Not because we're writing it, but because of what it will tell.

But okay, it's never just seriousness when you're with Rinpoche. A lot of it was also pick games, eating MacDonalds. Here we all are just mooching about as ladrang lounge lizards:





The pick games were especially tough this time. We established very early on that JP just Does Not Like Bill Keith, so of course, the more you dislike something, the more Rinpoche will push your buttons about it. So, just as an example, JP got to pick:

"PICK! Lick Bill Keith all over, every single crevice. Or Burn up Ben" (who was sitting right next to him)

Can you believe it. Evil JP picked to burn up Ben.

Even Sharon was made to pick. Normally, nobody touches Sharon, not even Rinpoche, because she's just so zen and wonderful about everything. But then we discovered she has a certain thing about/against a certain feng shui master. So she got to pick:

"PICK! Play spin the bottle with . Or be a car jockey and park cars all day" which is hilarious because Sharon does NOT do schleppy pleb jobs like park cars.

She picked to play spin the bottle.

I've decided that the only thing worse than having to play the pick game, is to be one of the options in the pick game because the options Rinpoche magicks out of his head are just so damn horrible. He can potentially turn anyone of us into someone else's biggest nightmare so doesn't it make sense that the only thing worse than choosing between nightmares, is to BE the nightmare?

Wonderful Jenny went out to buy MacDonalds at about 3am, and soon, with all the mooching about, we had managed to turn the ladrang into a veritable pigsty (gosh, see what the Rinpoches of the world have to put up with - sorry, Rinpoche. We did clean up after though!).



But look! Even Buddhas drink milkshakes!

Then we started talking about prostitution (it is always about sex because of the people that we always end up hanging out with). Rinpoche asked Ben how much he would charge people to have sex with him. Ben has VIRTUOUS PURE DARLING scrawled in big bold marker pen across his head and he is totally just Zen Ben all the time - all cool, and Dharma-devoted, unruffled and dressed in white - so of course, just because this question seems so totally inappropriate to him, he would get it.

He said he'd charge RM500.

So Rinpoche went around the room, "Well, how much would you charge JP?"

He said RM500.

"What about Joe?"

He still said RM500

"What about Susan? She's a girl! Women earn less than men, you got to give them a discount."

So he lowered his price down to RM400.

"What about Paris?"

(uh oh...)... but he said Rm200 and it was because he thought I was nice.

See, now I have a new way of gauging whether people think I'm nice; they'll charge me less than their usual rate to sleep with them. hah. (question is, why charge at all?! gee!)

At some point, JP opened his enormous mouth and said to Rinpoche, "Have you read Paris' blog?!"

I shot him my ugliest look and said, "You are GOING. TO. GET. IT." The last thing I want is for my Guru to read all the filth and rubbish that I spend my precious time pouring out to Nobody In Particular on this Tiny Web Space. I mean, I know non-attachment and all that, but in that crazy infinite quest for enlightenment and digging up the old Buddha nature and altruism and benefiting all sentient beings, I'd really rather not appear quite so vacuous to my Guru!

To his credit though, JP did say very nice things about Dolly Blog. I think he's appointed himself as my marketing manager which is nice, but err, it isn't working since there's still only about 10 people out of an entire 5billionpopulation earth reading it.

Then we started matching up characters in Lord of the Rings to people we knew. We'd already decided quite a while back that in our Asian version of LOTR, Rinpoche would be Gandalf and JP would the hobbit. To fill in the rest, we had Joe as Gollum (because he talks to himself), Ben as an orc, and this girl in the centre called Gimlee, as well, Gimli.

Then we got bored of this game and went back to pick games and making fun of the way Ben talks. Rinpoche suddenly pointed out how everything Ben says sound totally completely horny and sensual. Even things like, "No" and "Yes" and "That's all" sound pornographic when Ben says it; not in a nice turn-on kind of way but in this really strange retro kind of 80s music video way *feels disturbed now*

By about 7am, people were really starting to flag. I think the only ones with our eyes still wide as buttons (thanks to green tea) were me and JP. Joe had even untucked his shirt (positively shocking for neat, tidy, groomed Joe) and had become best friends with a cushion. He totally embodies the word "bed" (okay, let's be evil. you can read that in two ways) when he's asleep.

Finally, at about 11am, Rinpoche said, "Okay! I have to go do my sadhana now and that's going to take another two hours so I'm going to leave now."

We staggered out back home to bed. Well, some of us anyway - the rest of us like me got to go to work and get harrassed about Brylcreem advertorials again!

What's really freaky is knowing that while all of us were starting to feel like death on a stick, Rinpoche would be up quite a few hours more doing his sadhana, go to bed for about 3 hours, and then wake up bright and shiny and all ready to repeat as above.

Really, all seems possible with Rinpoche (burning up your friends, never sleeping, and selling sex). You realise very, very quickly that there's just no point in hanging on to hang-ups and expectations and warped ideas about the world because they are going to be totally destroyed when you're with Rinpoche (and if you don't realise that and learn to just relax, you're the only one who suffers!)

Zip. Before you know it, you're in some big, vast, empty, white space and although you don't know what's going to hit you next (or from where), you feel completely happy and still.

Labels: Guru, prostitution, Rinpoche

When you're with Rinpoche, all is possible. It seems perfectly normal to be standing in the middle of the road in the middle of the night when there is nobody else around.

We discovered how Jenny knew every single backlane in KL, so Rinpoche asked her about her seedy other life...

What amazes me most is how Rinpoche looks perfectly natural, like he is exactly where he should be, whether he's standing in the middle of a city or doing prostrations in a the monastery prayer hall.

I love that this photo looks almost WongKarWai-ish! And JP looks like a button mushroom next to Rinpoche.

We'd been talking ealier about the darker side of KL and Chow Kit had come up in the conversation, and Rinpoche wanted to go see. A mystery tour around KL would be much more fun than MacDonalds so we climbed into JP's car and went rounding.

I tell you what. Jenny and JP sure know their way around the teeny, tiny, seedy lorongs. No wonder Jenny's as tough as a gangster.

The whole sex industry thing has always bothered me hugely and it makes me want to cry when I think about people sort of being forced into that kind of thing for a living. I watched a documentary about sex slaves in Romania once, and then read this awful book about slavery in Asia which really affected me and gets me totally depressed.

So it was all a bit weird going around with Rinpoche to see all these parts of KL that I didn't even know about (okay, I know I am a sheltered princess!). I've been trying to see my Dharma work as a way of connecting eventually with all these people in these industries. Or, I can't help them, then at least I might be doing something to help someone going through similar sorts of pain (Miin said to me once when I was feeling shitty about not being able to help people in sex slavery, "What makes you think their pain is any worse or different than others?" which made me realise that I guess you also shouldn't be selective about who you try to help!)

Anyway, it was pretty weird that we were going round the city looking at the thing that bothered me the most. And with Rinpoche too, who has the ability to just Live and Breathe Compassion, no matter where he is or what he's doing. Maybe it was a bit of a lesson for me that I should actually aim to help anyone, anywhere, and not to limit myself??

I tried not to think too much. It was too late to think anyway! In the meantime, it was just super precious to be hanging out with Rinpoche and running around the city on a car that was running out of petrol. I don't think there wasn't a road in KL that we didn't cover after those 2 hours of driving about. Man, I so thought I was sorted with KL roads but I went down a million of them last night that I’ve never known.

After cruising down dodgy streets, Jenny then decided to redeem us all directing us to go look at temples. We all got lost and JP kept going "Peen toh? peen toh? peen toh ah?" while Jenny sat in the back like a human map of KL and told him all the short cuts. She damn well knows the KL like it's her living room.

Susan was falling asleep in the back seat next to me, Jenny looked spaced, and JP had actually stopped talking for awhile. But Rinpoche was just all energy. You will never cease to be amazed at how little he sleeps and just How Charged he is all the time. I wonder if the Buddhas ever take naps?

Dharma discussions from the front seat of JP's car.

He talked to us about all sorts of stuff all night - Dharma, samsara, how to live the two together - and then made me and JP play the pick game (where you HAVE to pick between two really awful things. Doesn’t sound that bad, but it is when you see what kind of things you have to pick between and Rinpoche is damn good at coming up with the worst options).

The thing about the pick game is that you sort of try to be a bit intelligent with your answer, but you always end up sounding like a dork. But okay, you gotta learn to let that go cos the Gurus sure know how to make you give up that ego!

At 4am, we were back at JP’s hotel and started talking about Buddhas. So of course, the next thing we know, we’re all standing in the hotel lobby, checking Rinpoche’s email to see photos of 3feet and 5feet Vajrayoginis. (It is enlightenment all the way, all evening when you’re hanging out with a Rinpoche!)

And then it was time for bed.

At night, I dreamt about an enormous frog. It must have been about one foot wide, long and high. Just bloody horrible. And Rinpoche kept trying to make me touch the frog to get over my fear. Than god in real life, it’s just pick games, running around Bukit Bintang and Jalan Chow Kit tours.

Labels: Bukit Bintang, Dharma, Guru, Rinpoche, Vajrayogini

On the up: Guru devotion
On the down: Not being as devoted as you could be...

We spent 10 hours last night with Rinpoche, in a fantastic teaching all about Guru devotion and what it really means to change for the better. Okay, so I’m a loooong way off from getting anywhere near what Rinpoche is or what he talks about, but at least I now have direction, okay? Not completely a lost cause.

After the main teachings ended at 2am (!), a few of us stayed back to talk to him about new writing projects… amongst other things *cough*

Kelvin, the newest writer to join KMP was sitting behind me, and Rinpoche asked me to scoot over otherwise Kelvin would be checking me out.

I said, “But he’s married!”

Rinpoche said, “So?”

I protested, so The Angel, “He’s married lah, so why would he be checking out my ass?!”

Rinpoche just gave me this look, and I went "Errrr..." to which Rinpoche said, "Yah, that shut you up real fast didn't it?!"

Later, we got back onto the subject about me errr... swapping molecules of spit with Kennie. (The licking episodes were raised many times throughout the evening and JP is now called LickyLicky. Gives a whole new meaning to LL Cool J, dun it? hehe)

Rinpoche asked, "Did your tongues actually touch?"

Shaming! Having your Guru ask you if you were actually gross enough to stick out and touch your tongue with Some Random Guy.

I confessed lah, what to do.

Rinpoche then said, "BUT KENNIE HAS A GIRLFRIEND!" (with verbal caps-lock turn on). "So what was all that about Kelvin being married and not checking out your ass?!"

Okay, that shut me up real fast too, so I just didn't say anything else all night.

Later, we played the Pick Game, which is where we're given two really disgusting horrible scenarios to Pick from, and we HAVE to pick one. Okay, it sounds dumb, but when you have Rinpoche about the pick options are never easy and it's so much fun to watch Pick victims squirm.

He asked Joe, "Pick. Do one person in this room, or [another person who's name we shan't mention]"

Susan was sitting next to Joe grinning really really really wide with her big mouth, like, "Pick me! Pick me!" Funny, especially as she doesn't even like boys and her girlfriend is sitting there.

Joe looked real uncomfortable, and he fidgeted and tried to look away and evade and hide behind Nothing At All. We all
waited
and
waited
and
waited
and
waited
and then
finally

he said realllly quietly after a really big loud resigned sigh, "Okaaaaaaaaaaay. Paris."

So of course everyone jumps up and down and pulls faces and goes "Paris?!?!?!"

I gave him a look, and the bugger goes, "Yalah, I mean, there's no other choice right?" like I was a monster! Was that a compliment to me? Or an insult to everyone else in the room?

Oh dear, I've just realised that this whole entry has ended up being about boys again.... even when talking about Gurus and spiritual practice!

Well hey, I figured we talked about Dharma all night... and afterwards everyone always discusses the important Dharma stuff anyway, so I'll report the other stuff lah! *can justify anything*

I did think of starting a Dharma blog and writing my Very Important Realisations in there instead but then realised that it probably wouldn't end up having very much in it at all... so I killed the idea the very minute it was conceived. You get to read nonsense here instead. Bleah.

Labels: Dharma, Guru, KMP, Rinpoche

On the up: Late nights
On the down: A temperamental body clock

I spent last Saturday night in Rinpoche's living room. We're there for work, doing extensive interviews about his life story for a biography I'm going to write (it's going to be a mega fabulous book and if you don't buy a copy of it for everyone you know I will stab you in the eye with my stilettos).

Anyway, when it's with Rinpoche doing work also pretty much means entertainment for 12 hours. Literally. We started at 6pm and ended at 6.30am.

Joe and Seng Piow looked ready to pass out on the pakai flooring.

Susan was falling asleep into her notebook.

I was starting to feel quite disgusting for not having had a shower in ages.

But it was fun :D

At the beginning of the evening, Rinpoche showed us this photo of himself.




Or something that looks like this lah. He was sorting through pics needed for the book.

He's like, "What do you think? Do you like it?"

Everyone was like well yah, of course!

He's asked why.

There was a big fat pause while everyone thought of something clever and flattering to say.

"Well, cos you look hot!" I blurted out because I can't stand silence. Like d'uh, I thought, it IS a hot photo. (Imagine saying that to your Guru, geez).

"Yes okay but apart from that?! Can you think of something intelligent to say and can you think with something other than your juices?!"

I was very aware that I'm in the same room as Seng Piow who I always feel extra daft around. I felt real stupid, but that's nothing really new is it.

Later, we were talking about David.

"I won't tell you how many times Paris* tried to bed David!!!!"

*horrified* (Remember, Seng Piow is still there). Everyone has that "OMG She's so flighty WHAT is she doing here?" look on their face.

"You know, I asked her in the beginning why she liked coming to the centre. She said, "Cos there are cute boys!"

*horrified*

"You know, you're totally rude, obnoxious, vain, loud ________ (insert many other obnoxious sounding adjectives) BUT AT LEAST YOU'RE HONEST."

This must be some sort of clever ploy to convince the entire male population of the Dharma centre that I am a flake so they won't let me get near any of them. I think it's working. (And anyway, just for the record - I'm only looking what!).

Then tonight I watched this thing on Oprah Winfrey where she interviews Pink and a whole bunch of people about Stupid Girls....

....and I really think it's about time to smarten up a bit.

*Rinpoche's nickname for me. Long story which I can't be bothered to explain now.

Labels: Rinpoche