On the up: SEX!
On the down: Dry spells

It's late. And we're still sitting in KMP's conference room preparing for the book launch. In a bid to fight off the MacDonalds curse that surrounds me, I'm drinking Raspberry and Echinacea tea.

But you know how it is when you're going a little loony and start blubbering nonsense in the middle of the night.

I screamed at James, "Aiyo I need to have some sex lah"

He said, "Ya hor. Okay, let's go clubbing soon."

I said, "But what's the point lah. I don't want the people at your clubs; you don't want the people at my clubs."

He said, "Okay what!"

I said, "But cannot sleep with them what, what's the point!"

He said, in his princess way, "Can what! You can still sleep next to them and DIY lor!"

I said, "But I can just DIY myself at home wat!"

He said, "No wat. But can still be quite nice - you got leng jai next to you wat!"

And you know what, I even considered it for a second.

On the up: Energy
On the down: Exhaustion

There is something in me that is feeling very tired today. I even made it late to an interview because I couldn't drag myself out of bed. It's a good thing I did in the end though, because I got to watch a fascinating video about a lady dancing on butter.

Went into the city, and back, which is always a very tiring ordeal.

Then as if that wasn't enough, I decided that my samsara would be much happier if I had a white handbag so I traipsed all over Bangsar in my new high heeled pumps looking for one.

And I tell you what - there ain't no workout like walking in high heeled pumps. I'm shattered and I didn't even find the white handbag.

I think everyone is feeling exhausted. There's so much to do and only so many hours in a day.

Today, darling beautiful lovely Joe told me and JP that these days, he feels like he's degenerating, that he feels old.

JP said to him, "That's what you get when you enter your thirties."

So just for a little while, I felt smug about being only a youthful 26. I said to JP with a smirk, "Well yes, you *are* speaking from experience after all!"

The conversation continued later again about how people felt like they were getting old and tired. I told JP, "You better be careful, if not soon you're going to look like a raisin."

He huffed, "Well.... well! If I'm a raisin, you're a prune! At least I'm small and green and cute!"

Really, we will grasp on to whatever it takes to make ourselves feel more beautiful. And yes, raisins are prettier than prunes, after all.

A while back, Ruby said to me, all sympathy, "You have eye bags now."

I told her I knew already; one day, when I stepped out of the shower and glanced at the steamed-up mirror, I completely scared myself when I saw two really dark, scary, ugly eyes emerging from behind the steam. They were just my own eyes of course, but man, they scared me.

And well, a girl sure feels her age catching up to her when he own eyebags scare her in the middle of the night!!! Time for an early night tonight then, ta ta

On the up: Enthusiasm
On the down: Carelessness

Sometimes there is such a thing as being too keen!

Lovely Daphne from The Star invited me to a Poetry Slam thing and I was so excited and keeeeeeen and psyched to go that I even ditched a dinner-with-the-girls early to drive allllllllllll the way into town to The Loft @ Zouk to go.

I was mighty mighty pleased with myself. I even paid the daylight robbery charge of RM20 to get my car valet parked so I don't have to park at that uber dodgy carpark across the road and risk my life crossing Jalan Ampang.

Then.

I found out that
The
Loft
Was
Closed
Today

There was nobody there and it looked way too mightly empty at Zouk for a Wednesday night.

I stomped back to my car, just as the dude was parking in a prime spot right in front. I wanted my RM20 back since I was going now and didn't actually park the car. But no, cannot. So all those dudes get damn good RM20 kopi money from me for driving my car once around the tiny shrub of plants.

But heck, I made all the effort already so I figured I may as well make the most of being in town. It was either that, or back to staring at KMP's conference room wall. So I trolleyed my way down to Palate Palette and finished my press kit there.

I ALSO checked the Facebook event page to see what the hell was up with this non-existent Poetry Slam. And discovered that it was for 26 APRIL. *smack*

Is it very wrong to have all these illicit fantasies about the people you work with?

Okay, not wrong, but perhaps a bit awkward when you actually need to go talk to them about proper stuff and you can't stop yourself from stuttering from nervousness.

I really should take a break from myself.

On the up: Feeling fit
On the down: People fitter than you!

I have pictures! (finally after a very long spell).

Because we never, EVER meet up and see each other only during the very occasional, very rare BodyStep launch, we FORCED each other to stay back for lunch after the launch on Sunday.

And of course, this means that we HAVE to take photos because we are posers (all BodySteppers are a little bit posery, otherwise we wouldn't be in BodyStep!). Photos are also a good thing because after about six months of not seeing each other, there's something to remind us of what everyone actually looks like.

The MINUTE we sat down, Teoh took out his fancy phone and took CLOSE UP photos of all of us to attach to our contacts - so everytime we call him our ugly mugs will show up... so I will not be calling him in a while.

Then, we noticed that all the boys were wearing traffic colour colours! (or Starburst sweeties)

So
Damn
Cute




Later, because I was so very pleased with my bright new green top AND doubly doubly pleased that someone else was also wearing the same lurid colour, I had to take a photo of us channelling Green Taras/Granny Smith apples.

Ok usually, I hate cheesy group pictures - the kind they put up on mantelpieces or around your wake when you die to remind the world of what a smiling, happy person you were when you were alive. Eewwww.

But this one has to go in only because I think my hair looks cute in it. (I said my HAIR, not ME okay, so stop throwing rocks at me)


I was feeling very, very, very extremely fit and healthy and worked out like never before after all that stepping. In fact, one day later and I'm still feeling extremely fit and healthy and worked out like never before because my arms hurt like the end of the world.

Anyway, so I was terribly extremely YSG and ordered salad for lunch to do the whole wonderful detox, purification, clean, fit, healthy thing. Doesn't really work of course, because I had MacDonalds for lunch today.

The thing is of course, you can never truly feel that fit when you're having lunch with two veteran bodystep instructors. Peh. I couldn't help but notice, from my place next to the instructor's stage, that Teoh's legs look like they're made of plastic - this is probably because I haven't seen legs-with-muscle in a while, seeing as mine are now more akin to Japanese tofu. It was totally WOW. It was really almost, almost like Spiderman. (Okay, so I'm just a perve looking at instructors' legs instead of concentrating on the work).

That said, tomorrow morning shall find me at the gym, in my own bid to achieve Wonder Woman's thighs.

Well, that is, if I can wake up.

On the up: Bodystep!
On the down: Low levels of fitness


I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!


The Bodystep Bunny is back to bouncing about a step board.... Not with quite as much gusto as before, but heck, what can you expect after 2 years of being out of action.


Dug myself early early out of bed today to go to Steven's BodyStep launch at The Curve. I'm so mighty proud of getting out of bed for exercise - that's half the battle won really. The next half is actually to survive the hour.


But my two favourite BodyStep boys, Steven and Teoh, were on stage instructing today so die die I had to make it there and look presentable. I haven't seen them in AGES!


Dollyface Lannie came too. I don't know what she's been doing, but she is looking more and more like a Porcelain Dolly and/or like a precious Chinese princess from the mountains. She is so Wen Cheng!


Anyway, just so my legs don't internally implode on their nerves, I set my board to the lowest step and channeled an 80-year-old woman in my attempts to step safe and soft.

Track 1, 2, 3, 4 I was all okay.

By the time we got to track 6, I thought
I
was
going
to
die

I stopped bothering, and took all the easy options instead. Even Lannie stopped bothering. We just did whatever. We didn't even care anymore if people thought we were wusses. Even the half-arsed arm lifts and stepping was a HUGE exertion!

When I got to track 10, I wondered all the way through the agony how it is I used to do it at a 110% energy level, on a high board level and even have energy to whoop and be happy about it!

Heck, I used to go through all that, and then go straight to BodyCombat/Yoga/Swimming after that. Now leh... track six already want to pengsan and curl up on the workout mats and go to sleep!

I hate being unfit!

But just you watch, BodyStep Bunnies are not BodyStep Bunnies for nothing. I'll be back in action all too soon, and the cute little midriff Nike tops shall be brought out from the back of the wardrobe again :)

On the up: World Peace
On the down: Not finding it

I can't believe how Goody Goody gum drops I'm being here, editing my book on a Sunday afternoon.

JJ said to me, "Oh YSG!!! (You're So Good)"

I said, "It's not YSG anymore! It's at the ISN now! It's So Necessary!"

I'm even listening to very holy Lama Chenmo music to guilt trip myself into doing work. It's like "What Guru Devotion yo! If you're just sitting here looking at Facebook for hours instead of editing a book that was due July last year!"

I'm almost done, I'm almost done, I'm almost done.

On the up: Black peep-toe pumps
On the down: Paying shitloads for them

Okay, see, I have these black pointy pumps that are the most beautiful super sleek black pair of shoes you'll see. I think I'd even venture to say that are my most favourite black object.

BUT, because they're just so pretty and special, they can't really just be worn out for things like work.

So a girl needs NEW, and slightly more casual black shoes to go with her new grown up chief-editor wardrobe.

I've been going EVERYWHERE to look for shoes and nothing nothing nothing fits the bill. They're all
- too high
- too uncomfortable
- too tacky
- have ugly heels
- made of obviously cheap material
- adorned with seriously disgusting baubles and jangly things

I was starting to give up this search for elusive shoes when today...

... I found them! Exactly what I want! And just where did I find these Holy Grail shoes?

BATA!

But see, even though I'm a big snob, I'm not afraid to be a pleb too. The high/low culture is much more fun and has much more personality. To be truly fashionable is not to be afraid to be "cheap" when necessary. Sometimes the best finds are the cheapest.

So I strode into the shop, tried them on, bought them, and then ran around 1Utama proudly display my BATA plastic bag! Just you wait til you see them, they're just so pretteeeeee!

On the up: Friendly bank loans
On the down: Scary ah lonsg with parangs

Vera dragged me out of my little hole and got me out to watch a movie with her and ed last night. Just for laughs, and because there's nothing like good old local humour, we went to see Ah Long Pte Ltd, by Jack Neo.

Ooooh it was so gooood - I'm such a sucker for bad corny S'porean/M'sian humour and teary corny social messages about the good and bad of the world.

I was also totally horrified by the reality of Ah Longs and what they really do to people.

Aiyo, if I tell someone off and show a black face I feel guilty about it rest of the day and the whole night and the whole of next day. I just cannot cannot cannot understand how people can just go beat up some dude in front of his family with a big fat giant parang and feel quite okay about it.

Vera and I hid behind our popcorn to shielf away all the fake blood spurting about all over the movie. Cringe cringe.

Right at the end, when we were feeling all Hallmark-touched and happy, and shaken to the core by those good wholesome Jack Neo life values, Vera bellowed, "Aiyaaaaa! Stupid right these people. Who ask them to borrow from ah long?! Nobody force them to borrow from them right!"

I said, as sympathetically as I could, "It's usually cos they are driven to such a desperate state lah."

She said, "Yahhh but hello! If you're so desperate, at least you should have the brain to do it properly isn't it! Go to the bank and do properly lah! They already know ah longs are like that, what!"

Gotta give it to Vera - she points out what's real obvious, even after TWO HOURS of a movie about ah longs.

Okay, anyway, so now, I'm soooooo not going to run out of money and take a loan. No no no no no no no.

On the up: Getting professional
On the down: Corporate-ness

Now, really, who would have ever thought I would get anywhere near to something corporate?

I spend an afternoon talking about "Work Weeks" and staring at an immense excel spreadsheet detailing timelines of every project we are about to embark on. I then had a meeting with my monkeys (KMP's english team) and bossed them about and demanded for work to be handed up, if not, I may just start imposing RM10 fines and accumulate enough for a new handbag.

I'm getting very excited about the prospect of a new handbag.

THEN, I even attended a seminar this evening - a proper one, with tables and powerpoint presentations and a speaker, and people in office attire.

As I'm holding so stead-fastly onto not turning into a corporate whore, I made sure I was not wearing a proper shirt. I trotted along in my floaty skirt from Greenwich, London, with stitches in the front that spell out Buddha Loves You. It's so hippie, it's almost anti-corporate.

But being the good little trooper I am, I took notes and participated and listened hard and thought of how to apply everything.

In short: we must eat, drink, walk, talk, sit, sleep, dream the brand.

KMP is becoming my world.

On the up: New hairstyles
On the down: Looking like a boy

I saw this girl at 1Utama a few weeks ago that had AMAZING hair. Real long and slick in the front, and very bobbed and cropped at the back. I WANT.

If not for me rushing around, I would have forced her to stop and taken a picture of her head.

Anyway. I trotted down to The Met and told Emil my grand plan and he nodded yah yah and went about cutting my hair.

It's a GREAT hair cut, but it doesn't look quite that great on me and my head/face.

JJ looked at me and said, "Oh dear. You look like a gay boy."

Later, somebody said I looked like Paul.

Paul okay. Not Pauline or Paulette or Paula. Paul is a boy!
hmph!

How is it possible that my hair is longer now and I look like a boy!

Joy said it looks more sophisticated and grown up though. I thought "PAH! Grown up?! Who wants to look grown up?!"

But ok wait wait, now some people have a proper working title and responsibilities so maybe she has to look the part.

I'm going to try an experiment: to let my hair really grow out PROPERLY - you know, wait the whole 6 months for it to grow out to beyond my ears. And then, if it still looks crap, I'm going to chop it all off!

On the up: MacDonalds
On the down: How unhealthy it is

I hate living where I live because it's right next to a 24-hour MacDonalds and I am forever entertaining unhealthy thoughts of running out to buy burgers and frieds and icy cokes.

Seeing as there is absolutely no time to cook, and I don't even have a fridge in the house anymore to stock healthy food, the next nearest alternative, surely, is good old MacD's. It's starting to become of the first things I think about when I wake up.

Today, I drove out twice to go there, and each time, forced myself to turn around and drive the other way. I tried telling myself that it would be much healthier to go eat a bowl of cereal and drink some nice tea.

I'm hoping that if I tell myself that enough times, it'll overpower the fries-and-coke longings.

On the up: JJ
On the down: Getting old!

Oh I love lazy parties where you just sit around and eat and do nothing.

JJ and YY had a birthday barbecue at their house tonight. And when I say BBQ, I mean the tiniest little pit you have ever seen - it must have been only about one foot by half a foof, and JJ cooked everything on that.

But well, these are enterprising people and soon there were sausages and burgers and to round it all off, goopey, delicious smores that Susan painstakingly made over her little makeshift campfire in the corner of their front lawn.

Even Datin came. When I heard, I asked, "Do you think Datin is going to want to eat Doritos and Ramly burgers for dinner?!" Not that she had a choice really since that's all we had. Poor Datin had to slum it with the plebs just for a night.

But heck, sometimes it's nice to just rough it out and eat rubbish.

I was screaming about how much I loved Ramly burgers when JP cut in and said, "But it's really disgusting. You know it's like all the insides and the testicals and shit right?"

I might have been mad, except that I love Ramly burgers too much to care so I had to just ignore him.

Chin Li and I kept running out for smokes (sometimes I wish I smoked just to have an excuse to run out and gossip or plot secret things). We're trying to figure out ways of seducing SP because we think he's a lovely dreamboat.

It's impossible though.

Really.

Impossible.

Got two girls throwing themselves at his feet also dowan. Or don't notice. Or pretending not to notice.

Nevermind. So we trolleyed our way upstairs to Chiarina the Ballerina's room to listen to music.

All the Chinese Chickens soon took over the songs and all these chingky chong songs started blaring through his speakers.

BK and I were not impressed, especially as all the songs sound the same.

So we wrote a little petition on my handphone, rounded up all the English-speaking ducks and sent it to Chia.

It was very neat. And it read:

To whom it may concern,
We protest what is happening here with all the Chinese songs. We would like to petition for ENGLISH SONGS! Yours truly,
Beng Kooi
Ruby
Su Ming
Sharon
Susan
David
Jamie

And he listened! (All people in power should be like Chia) and soon we got to watch Madonna's Confession's tour, all campy and happy and full of flashing lights to make us dizzy.

On the up: Boys boys boys
On the down: Not getting any!

I really must stop falling in love/lust with all these boys.

Nobody is taking me seriously anymore. Me fancying someone is now equivalent to a discussion about the English weather - i.e. very likely to change within the next few hours.

Okay, not quite that frequent, but frequent enough.

I think if I ever actually started going out with someone now, all these people would start placing bets as to how long it would last.

A girl can't help it if she's fickle alright! And anyway, it's more fun to change your mind and play and flit about. Variety being the spice of life and all that, it's nice when the scenery changes and you fix your gaze on different pretty faces every few months.

The bigger problem at the moment though is that nobody plays and flits back, which is bothering me tremendously arg.

I've thought long and hard about this (among all my other deep, long contemplations about the meaning of life and impermanence and attainments, of course) and have narrowed it down to these possible reasons

1) I am the unlikeable sort and not really the kind of girl men want to bring home to introduce their mothers
2) the orange peel on my legs are scaring away prospective suitors
3) I keep falling in love with the wrong kind:
a) gay men or
b) men who trulymadlydeeply have seemed to enter the path of renunciation (read: celibacy, pah!)

This is no fun!

On the up: Emails!
On the down: That mailing system

I can't believe it's 3am on a Saturday night and I am haemorraghing over this damn mailing system.

We set up this sophisticated lala wonderful system that sends out lots of pretty lovely emails out to everybody and anybody in the world.

We spent WEEKS perfecting it.

And it was working beauuuuuuuuuuuuutifully until tonight.

JP rang up, right in the middle of my float-in-the-clouds Tara mantras to say in his very serious no-nonsense voice that makes me want to strangle him that the system wasn't working and we had to get it fixed NOW.

Why doesn't it work.

WHY.

On the up: New clothes!
On the down: Yucky, boring, ugly, cheap shirts

I went shoppppping today for nice new clothes to look good and professional in.

But good and professional has to be more than those just cheap, ugly shirst that you always see ugly Chinese girls walking around in during lunchtime. You know what I mean right - the girls with the baggy knee-length straight black skirts, shapeless striped shirts, cheapo black handbags and ugly strappy Vincci shoes.

YUCK.

You look at them and instantly think they must be in something highly unimaginative and boring like audit clerks or admin staff.

It's not even about being a spoilt rich bitch for me to say this - you don't have to spend loads of cash to look good. You just need imagination and creativity...

...but then again, they wouldn't be admin slaves or audit clerks in the first place if they possessed those qualities.

Anyway, back to my own shopping spree: I find it exceedingly hard to find work clothes because
a) everything I want to wear is inappropriate for work
b) everything work-related here in KL is fit only for unimaginative admin girls.

Things like Padini and G2000 make me want to hurl for their complete lack of style. It's quite amazing that they have managed to produce EXACTLY THE SAME clothes every season, every year. What you see in there now, is exactly what you would have seen in there in the early nineties!

This will not do for a Dolly, of course. I veer back towards the fun and kitsch and glitz and tack of TopShop and Forever 12.

And there I found a nice happy balance of colour! and fun styles! and kitsch! AND outfits fit for the office and for meeting Important People.

So.

I got a shiny brown shirt dress (not to be worn on its own because my legs are now tree trunks)
and a white wraparound shirt (that gives good cleavage!)
and a bright Green-Tara green top that reveals just enough of a midriff to stay in the funky range
and a super slinky black dress that makes me look thin (and that's very important.

And now work will be that much more fun now that I have beautiful clothes to wear while I'm there.

I'm so shallow, I know! But who cares as long as I get my work done!

On the up: Feeling beautiful!
On the down: Feeling like a toad

I keep logging on and seeing that horrid video of the puppy. And then, some more, it's not even there anymore so now I'm just plagued with horrid impressions of it. And yah yah I know it's a fake/ already-dead dog, but that doesn't make it any less sick.

So.

We should blog about happier things.

We're planning our book launch right now and JJ is about to have my head for supper because we still haven't done the proposal properly! Eeep! I sat in the office for hours yesterday and by the time he came back to look at it, I had only written 7 lines. But but but - it will come together and it will be fabulous.

The co-eds Sharon and I also want to do another party to celebrate the book in a fun, cute place (to which the whole world will be invited!) but err, there is the question of cash and where to find it at the moment. We shall have to speak to the money fairies and ask them to leave a sack of gold under our pillows when we sleep tonight.

In the meantime, it is very important that I look a part worthy for a launch and a party. There is already the very fat photo of me guzzling a burger on the first page of the book, so I shall have to prove myself otherwise.

So.

I have been eating properly and waking up very early to go work out. I even made it for four tracks of bodystep yesterday!!! Yes yes yes! My knees are back to normal, and I have discovered glucosamine - the closest thing we shall get to god.

I also discovered, after 3 years of stepping, that the trick to bodystepping and not paralysing myself is to actually, well, step. Jumping up and down like an epileptic child doth not healthy joints make. It's not quite so cool though - stepping makes you look like a geriatric, but I suppose losing face for a while is better than losing mobility.

On the up: Compassion
On the down: Cruelty

We learn Dharma in the most unexpected ways.

Rinpoche came online and sent me this, below.

I screamed back, "I'm NOT going to watch that video. It's going to be nothing but AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL!"

He shot back, "WATCH CRUELTY TO LEARN TO BE COMPASSIONATE.

"IT'S 17 SECONDS. WATCH"

So what to do. Watch lor.

And then almost want to pass out from disbelief.

Well, I learnt a lesson today. Click and watch if you want to too.

On the up: Chickens
On the down: Fried Chickens

No more fried chicken, SERIOUSLY! Poor chickens!!!!!!!!!!

On the up: Shin
On the down: Her lack of tact (haha)

Shin has a spectacular gift of being able to say something really incredibly rude to someone and not offend anyone.

The other day, Joey said he wanted to get a hair cut because he thought it might make him look a bit better.

Shin snapped, very quick, very matter-of-factly, "It doesn't make a difference what hair style you have. It's still the same face."

Oh my god, the gall! She is just so very very rude!! But how funny!

On the up: Tricks
On the down: Your ego

Election day and night came and went for me. Yes, yes, I am apathetic, and I wouldn't know a BN from a DAP if an MP came an poked me in the eye.

When I spoke to a DollyDad the day before he asked if I was going to vote. I said no, I wasn't; I hadn't even registered to vote.

He was incredulous. "WHAT! How can!"

Instead, I spent the whole day in bed. I slept 14 hours. Actually, it was only 9. Then I woke up, read a bit, and went back to sleep until very very late. It was DELICIOUS.

See, I'm damn good in bed -I can sleep all day!!!

When I woke up, Rinpoche was trying to decide whether to go watch Spiderwick Chronicles or 10,000BC. I went online to go see what was on and when I saw that Spiderwick had fairies in it, I did everything I could for us to go there. I mean, fairies, or a man clubbing ancient beasts to death. C'MON. Of course the fairies!!!!!!!

We traipsed into the movies. On the way down, in the lift with a half dozen other strangers, Rinpoche started with enlightened nonsense.

"So!" he said to me with a loud, but very poker face, "Have you told your parents you're pregnant yet?!"

It was all I could do not to burst out laughing, so I spluttered out a weak, "No."

"See!" he exclaimed with a big sigh, "I told you to stop sleeping around with all those white men! I told you! It's not good! And now, you see you're pregnant! I think it must be that American man you slept with!"

All of us stood in our little tiny circles in the lift in a silent fit, trying not to laugh. I stared at the floor and tried to make myself look sorry and pathetic when really, I was giggling to death through my nose.

This isn't too new, of course.

There was also the time we were running up and down Pavilion with David and his very tight tshirt (not because it's tight but because he's round now). Just as we got onto a crowded escalator, or as we stood in a long queue, Rinpoche would bellow, "Oh my god, that's such a tight shirt. Are you gay?"

David would roll his eyes and sigh a big resigned sigh while everyone else around collapsed laughing.

Another day, Su Ming told me, as they were hopping down Jalan Alor, Rinpoche waited for exactly the moment a white dude passed by Tashi, before screaming at her, "What! You're only 120 ringgits? But that's so cheap!"

What are you supposed to do, really, when your Guru is screaming nonsense about you to the whole world. Pregnant lah, gay lah, hooker lah. What can you do really but check your mind and how you react to all the tricks.

Do we get embarrased? Scared? Mad? Want to retaliate? It's all about the tricky ego, and how puffed up we are about protecting our reputation.

And hell, the more you try to protect it, the more the Buddha is going to run it to the ground.

Well, that may be so, and for now, I know that I certainly haven't got rid of all that makes me embarrased, scared or mad.... but I think the harder task at hand, for the moment, is not to burst out laughing and spoil the game.

On the up: Shopping
On the down: Not finding anything nice

The Chief Editor thing gave me as good an excuse as any to go shopping for a new wardrobe.

Off I went to Bangsar Village to buy lots of beautiful things...

.... and then realised nothing looked good. Nothing looked good on me; and there wasn't even anything that looked good on the racks.

Then there is all the usual boring rubbish like you get at places like Padini and G2000 which is ugleeee and ordinary and uninteresting and makes me think I'd rather wear a burlap sack to work than those ugly shirts.

So.

I've decided on a far more economical way of having a nice wardrobe: to lose weight and tone up so I can fit all my old, very beautiful clothes!

On the up: The end of the week
On the down: Not having anything to do (or rather, the work that keeps you from going out)

It's Friday night! And for reasons neither of us can really fathom, JJ and I are both sitting in KMP's conference room trying to clear up the infinity of work we have piled up behind our desk and conscience.

*I* am actually doing work.

JJ on the other hand, (and I must report this because because because ..... if only you could see!), is watching a youtube video on how to fold origami elephants, and he's actually following it and making one himself.

Our lives really do become increasingly bizarre once we enter that zone.

On the up: The effort to improve (halo)
On the down: Complaining

It's hugely ironic (and hypocritical, I know) that I'm editing a whole bunch of teachings for a book about how we should stop complaining and I am the Queen of Complaints.

The training is being stepped up. The Buddhas have noticed just how much of a whinger I am.
complain about the weather lah
complain about my fatness lah
complain about people lah
complain about work lah
complain about the traffic jam and the potholes on the road lah

And now, every time I have met up with Rinpoche in the past two weeks, this complainy part about me has been highlighted. If I don't do something about it (and I know I should), the highlights, while jokey for now, are going to turn into the big giant flame behind Yamantaka, the Buddhas well all turn blue, manifest 36 arms and screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam until I learn my lesson.

Scared scared, I dun wan, so

I MUST JUST STOP IT WITH THE COMPLAINING.

I think I saw a cartoon once where if this character gets some sort of weird contraption stuck on his head, where everytime he says a cuss word, he gets an electric shock. And I think I really really need one of those. Everytime I complain about something,

BBBBZZZZZZZZZZTTT

... until I become a fried chicken and learn to stop being a bitch.

For now, and until someone actually invents something like this, JJ is my verbal electric shock (hence the comment).

I'm wondering though - if I don't complain, what the hell else do I have left to talk about?!!?(bzzt)

On the up: Normal legs
On the down: Uncomfortable legs

I spent FIVE HOURS in the hospital today to get my legs sorted out ONCE AND FOR ALL. Two years of pain and uncomfortability (that's not a word, but I don't care) is enough for a Dolly Girl!

I swear, I must have picked the most popular orthopaedic in the whole country though. Anybody with any sort of injury was there, all squatting outside his office like refugees seeking relief from joint pain.

I asked for an MRI, just to find out what the hell is going on and why my knees still make me feel like one of those Wayang Kulit puppets, all wobbly and loose and disconnected. Also, Steven who I want to fall in love with, said he won't see me again until I get an MRI done.

The waiting for everything was never ending -
waiting for Dr Gan
waiting to do the MRI
waiting for the results
waiting to see Dr Gan again
but I am a tough girl and I was determined to grit my teeth, tough it out and GET THOSE RESULTS. The MRI itself took 40 minutes - it felt so Grey's Anatomy/House glam to be stuck under that huge white magnet. The excitement wore off quick though because when I have to just lie there and do nothing, it will eventually turn into a nap. Which it did; I even started dreaming nice things.

Then there was another one hour wait for the results.

So I went to visit the gynaecologist for a vaccination thing (please don't ask what for, it's not necessary!). Gyanaecologists really freak me out because there's all these pregnant women and children and concerned, worried fathers, and it reminds me of exactly where I don't want to be in life: married, pregnant or mother of a screaming toddler. Pregnant women really scare me, so I stuck myself in a corner and pretended to be very interested in the outdated Time magazine they had there.

When I finally went in, the Doc said, "Eh! You put on weight huh!"

When I just looked at her, she said, "Oh, didn't you? Huh? Did you put on weight?!"

Then, when I left, as I walked out and the door was swinging close, she shouted, "Eh! Don't put on too much okay!!!!!!!!"

When I got the results back, all black and filmy and revealing of the secrets of my knee, I triptrapped back to Dr Gan's and

had to wait another hour.

I did all my malas, did Callenetic exercises, cleared my phone inbox down to 548 messages and wondered what it would be like that tired looking woman with two noisy boys and a baby.

Then, drumroll, I finally got to see Dr Gan.

And all is normal!

My legs are normal, the joints are normal, the cartilage is normal and heck, he even told me I have "Good quality muscles!" I felt like a Kobe cow!

I asked him if the pain I kept feeling was maybe that overworked syndrome thing that Steven told me about. He said it could be Repetitive Strain Injury, where people overstrain their muscles from too much working out - something common among many people, and which takes AGES to heal.

Like gee! After 23 years of being a fat, blobby slob, I finally decided to take control of the fat cells and burn them off with lots of good high intensity step and and and

fail!

Want to be health and slim and beautiful and gorgeous also cannot! Finally be conscientious about diet and exercise, also cannot!

Karma means for me to be Pleasantly Plump the rest of my life (that's how someone described me before, which is whole lot nicer than saying Fat)

I must come to the deep and meaningful realisation that: in this life time, I will not look like Chin Li.

Anyway, I am a happy chappy about my legs and the doc even said I could do whatever exercise I want (within reason, like not BodyStep 6 times a day at the highest level, hmph). In fact, he even encouraged me to go try out lots of things to see what would help, since everything is in order.

I am officially not a cripple!

On the up: KMP
On the down: Not having a proper office

Say hello to your new Chief Editor of KMP's English team! I can't believe it has taken me three years to finally commit and just do it.

And so. There is lots of work to do now, including managing my own team (and really, I can't even handle myself, how the hell am I going to manage other people?) and overseeing all editing, writing coming out.

There are big big hopes for KMP, both from within and without the company and we sure as hell have to make it work by like, NOW.

I'm going to make it work and there are going to be more and more and more beautiful books in the world. Just. You. Watch!

This means I get to be a little bit important now. Like, I can scream at people, legitimately... but of course, I wouldn't. No way! I'm not like that at all! I'm going to be all love and hearts and light and peaceful resolution and everyone will love me and buy me chocolates every Friday for being such a fantastic, inspiring leader.

If I tell myself that often enough, I may believe it.

HAH!

To "welcome" me into the new job, lovely David Rabbit Lai gave me a booooooooootiful framed picture of Manjushri. Love love love!

I said, "But you know I'm going to boss you around now!"

He said, "Er, yah, that's the idea."

Liddat, how to get mad? So cute!

I've been so gooooood, come to work almost every day, on time and work and work and work like a happy little bunny. That said, it's 11pm and I'm still in the office. Need to sleep now, zzzzzzzzzz bye bye

On the up: Being rich
On the dow: Being skint

I have decided that there is just no way I could be poor. I am a spoilt little stuck up rich bitch and proud of it!

Wnt shopping for food today, just for bread, cheese, fruit and tea (in line with my new health kick). One teeny basket full of stuff... and the bill came up to RM155! I realised after it was only because I had picked out all this totally nice stuff like organic Genmai Cha, imported mature cheddar and tzatziki (which always manages to blow the budget).

But but but I just couldn't live on crap, cheap food!

On the up: Boundless compassion
On the down: Complaining

I was having a nap yesterday afternoon and thinking about how I just really. really didn't want to go to Tsok because it would mean, inevitably, definitely, for sure, I would fall asleep halfway through verse 54.

I don't think there's anything more painful than falling asleep sitting upright, while trying to balance your prayer sheets and keeping anyone from noticing that your eyelids are closed because they're asleep, not because they're engaged in detailed visualisation of the Guru tree.

Anyway, BK rings up and asks what I'm doing that evening so I have a moan about going to Tsok. But but but, the Buddha was going out to dindin and he'd invited me to go eat.

"See, I think he knew you didn't want to go to Tsok!" said BK. I believed her. I think I willed it hard enough that I didn't have to go and the dakinis went back to tell him.

Again, as always happens, I had 1) oily hair and 2) was trying not to eat so much because I had been feeling sick all day. But 1) there was no time to go wash my hair and 2) we were going to a buffet.

First up, we headed out to 1Utama to go look at our Dharma outlet, DMT. We parked waaaaaay on this side, and DMT was waaaaaaay the other side so we had to walk waaaaaay cross the whole enormous mall to get there. Rinpoche strolled, the rest of us sped along as fast as our short little legs could carry us. I don't understand how it's possible that he walks so slow and relaxed, we're speeding along like marathon brisk-walkers and he's still waaaaay up ahead of us.

"I don't get it how he's always so far ahead," I panted to JP.

"That's because his one step is like three of yours," he said. And yah, I believe he's assessed it well enough seeing as he's got short legs too.

Then we went to eat!

I bitched and gossiped and gave every last remnant of new news I could as we scoffed immense amounts of food. I don't know how it is that I still, after all this time, manage to delude myself into thinking that Rinpoche asks me for new news, and updates about certain people because he is as salacious a gossip as me.

Of course he's not. The ensuing Dharma teaching, over milkshakes and chocolate fountains for dessert, stripped me bare to myself. All the gossiping, all the complaining, all the bitching was never about the other certain people. It was all about me and the question, What spiritual practice are we actually doing with these people around us?

Rinpoche had to intervene to deal with something that I had been struggling for weeks to figure out. It is shaming, somewhat, that your Guru has to do your laundry and sort out your domestic affairs when really he should be out there fighting villains and being an enlightened superhero. I apologised that I had let it get to a stage where he had to intervene.

He said, in his usual joyous way, "It's okay, Paris. It is a pleasure for me to do this, but you take it as an experience to learn from, so that in future, if you have to deal with people or situations like that again, you do it with more patience."

Some people need to be shouted at. Other wusses, like me, being told off nicely is enough to send shockwaves through my head. I can't stand it when things are not right and it will bother the shit out of me until I fix it somehow. I felt suddenly very guilty for being a bitch, and I said so. Rinpoche said, "At least you feel guilty! That's a good sign!" and turned the situation to light again.

And so I hope this means I will stop complaining about people. I must. I don't want to create that ugly karma to come back and do it all over again with a whole new set of other people.

So the bitching was never about bitching. D'oh. All these weeks of talk and gossip was just a nice way for me to reveal everything about how I deal with situations, how I complain. The point of bitching with the Buddhas is that they somehow manage to strain you dry of every last vestige of complaint you have of whatever and then they ask, "So what can we do about it?" and you have to to fix it.

And fixing doesn't mean you hire some crook to go break their legs. It has to be done with joy, not matter how much you have to grit your teeth and no matter how much you'd rather scratch their cars when they're not looking.

After dessert, Rinpoche asked after another of our friends.... which led to another 4 hour discussion about the awful mess she had stuck herself in, how the mess had now spread outwards to everyone else, and how we had to fix it.

Four of us, in neat succession, told our stories, our views, our suggestions on how to make her happy again. And Rinpoche, alert, concerned, kind, energised, bright, sad to hear of his student this way, happy to be able to help, asked a hundred questions to get to the bottom of things and listened to every last thing we had to say about every last thing.

It's funny -I guess there always a part of me us that think of Buddhas, Gurus, teachers, spiritual masters and all their reincarnations "helpthe planet" by going out there and being superheros, doing "mass salvations" of thousands of people.

I forget that helping the planet actually starts with helping every single being inside that planet.

We exhausted the whole night, until 5am talking about this one person. To someone on the outside, it may seem like a total waste of time. They would say, with their brisk 21st-century corporate ways, "Just get on with it, it's just one person, what's the big fat deal?!" Now, if people aren't working the way we'd like them to work, we get rid of them. It's easier when people are dispensible.

With Rinpoche, instead, you're forced to do intricate surgeries on every single individual you come across. He'll ask you what you think about them
why
what you think about the way they acted
why
how you think they will react
why
until you know them inside out.
And then you find ways to help them, even if it means staying up until 5am to find that way.

This matters because this one person can help another person, and another person, and another person, and so we help the whole planet.

It is a tireless job. The number of "persons" is infinite, all waiting right there with their neurosis, their hang ups, their impatience, their craziness, all waiting for someone to come and fix it.

People like Rinpoche will listen to all of the neurosis, the hang ups, the impatience, the craziness, day after day after day, incessantly, as they hang around outside and bang the door down to come in. And the amazing thing is he never, ever tires of it.

Flying in the sky, clairvoyance and controlling the weather are maybe-miracles. With the help of a bomoh and maybe-witchdoctors all kinds of supernatural stuff are possible.

But this unceasing energy and boundless compassion is not merely possible with a wave of a wand and some ugly potion. This boundless compassion and tireless drive is something none of the rest of us are going to be able to perform and achieve any time soon.

And that, truly, is what a real miracle is all about.

On the up: My book
On the down: Total revision

Sometimes I'm so clever I amaze myself!

I've decide to revise the whole structure and JJ is most definitely going to have my head for supper.

But the book is going to be so looooo-vur-ly and it'll be something we haven't done before, so that'll be fun.

Man, we just really super duper need to get out just one spectacular book then we don't have to keep banging our heads against the wall and having Joe look like his veins are all about implode inside his head.

Annoying, because I so so so so want to start my next book already but I can't until I finish this one and this one is taking forever. And JJ is sitting next to me giving me evils so I better get back to it. I would never have thought that 23 year old kid could have such an intense control over my life, as it has over the past week.

I won't scream.

I won't
I won't
I won't
I won't

Nor will I commit any acts of horror against anybody. Not even if they offend me, or irritate me, or crawl inside my skin and and scratch up my whole central nervous system.

I won't
I won't
I won't
I won't

On the up: Feeling heavy
On the down: Lightness

I'm battling this horrible heavy feeling again where I just feel like I need to collapse in a pile and sleep for 48 hours straight.

And it doesn't matter if I sleep 4 hours, or 6 hours, or 8 hours or 15 hours, I still wake up feeling like I've been sitting in one of those spinning teacups you find in fairgrounds and I'm about to fall over.

AND THEN, I still have my book to finish, which was due in July 2007 and I'm still working on it. Why does it take me so long just to edit a bunch of pages??!? And now it looks to be even more complicated, because, as I was brushing my teeth and about to tuck off to bed last night, I had a brain rush and thought it might be a good idea to restructure, revamp, redo the WHOLE BOOK.

JJ, the production manager, has been chasing for the book for months, and now that he hears this, he is going to have my head on a platter for supper.

More later, back to editing now.