Just realised yesterday that I’ve known Miin for 20 YEARS which suddenly made me feel old as a rock for being alive long enough to know someone for two decades. (PS isn't her vintage dress Just So Cute)
Isn't it nice to have a celebritee on Dolly blog!
Later, I heard them saying she weights 40kg which just made me feel even more like a boat than I already did in my horrid PMS water-retained state. I think my left leg probably weights more than 40kg and here was a whole entire being who weighed that!
There was also this cute boy there so I perasaan-ly went up and asked him if he was gay. He wasn’t but nowadays I don’t really believe what people say (just in case, so you don’t get any hopes up) He had neat glasses that are like mine and a t-shirt that said “today is going to be a better day” though I couldn’t really figure out what the point of a statement like that was?
He was sitting with a girl called Chereen (so confuzzling - Chereen, Charlene... I had to keep checking their name cards to figure out who is who).
There was also a girl there called Esme (short for Esmeralda) who I also loved to hate cos she was sooo pweetty and I felt like a donkey next to her. Later, I said to her, "Hey, it's Esmeralda isn't it? Like the gypsy from Notre Dame" which is TOTALLY a compliment coming from me since I've always wanted to be a gypsy and loveloveloved that book and think Esmeralda is 19th Century Literature's Most Beautiful Woman (and she's kind, too, for loving Quasimodo). But Esme didn't look very impressed that I had just called her a gypsy.
We got kicked out at 1am which really distressed me because it was so early. Half of everyone decided to go home so the rest of us - JP, his bevy of women and a Dolly - went down Asian Heritage Row where everything had gone also into REM sleep. I wanted to jump out onto the pavement and stomp my feet and cry.
I was chatting crap all the way home in the car and Esme kept asking me in a really polite lovely way to stop talking in English because all the smut coming out of my mouth was bound to shock Chereen's driver into resignation, or something. But I don't speak Cantonese lah, what to do. I tried to shut up butbutbut couldn't. Chereen looked a bit bewildered, Charlene was nice enough to laugh with me, and JP sat up front trying very quietly to ignore me.
Now, the day after, I feel really ridiculous.
How shaming. I really must learn how to behave. Next time I go out, I'm only going to talk about what kind of makeup I use and how I used to play the piano, like a proper little lady.
Warning: This is a ridiculously, tiringly long post. If you end up wasting time reading it instead of doing Other Important Things, that's your fault for not manging your time properly!
Let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time, there was a lady in Kechara House called Krsytal. She is THE MOST ADORABLE SUGARPLUM FAERY and had a daughter who decided to get married.
So there was a wedding party and everyone at KH was invited. Huzzah! Party! Time to slut up and party down :)
(okay, enough about Krsytal, let’s talk about me now)
Earlier in the day, Beach – the best shop this side of the Equator – had their opening party in Bangsar Village II. Everyone HAS to go there and buy something if not I cannot be your friend.
So I rocked up and die-die was determined to go shopping. So I did, and even bumped into Chin Li and JP there. Chin Li is the only person over 40 who looks like she’s 27 and she is as desperate to put on weight as I am to lose it. She’s a hoot and I love her all the more because she bought something from Beach too. JP didn’t although he picked up this cigarette holder that said FUCK PARENTAL ADVISORY and held it up to show me.
I said, “Eewwwww, that is so something a 14-year-old would have.”
He said, “Yah but it’s so you!!!!!!” Whatever that is supposed to mean for an innocent, well-behaved girl like me! Hmph!
Then I went for tea with Chin Li who told me all about how some 23-year-old guy is trying to ask her our. I was like, “Errr why not?” She’s like, “Because I’m 41!” I’m like, “errr yah, but you look 27!”
Anyway, suddenly it was 5.30 and the Krystal’s daughter’s wedding dinner was starting at 6.30.
I rushed back as quick as my the crap traffic around Bangsar would let me, ran up the stairs and into the shower. My legs were so hairy they would have scared off even the Orang Asli village heads, and I didn’t think to assault the poor guests so I had to shave them. (Dear Buddha, why lah do girls have to have body hair?!)
Even with time constraints, I managed to take a shower, shave me legs, change my outfit 4 times, choose accessories and dig my shoes out of the cupboard in under 20 minutes. The shoes have been in there so long they were starting to grow mould, and the shinyblack was well, not so shiny, not so black, and very full of damp spots.
Tough. Got to go. Thank god got driver so no need to drive. Instead, I tried to put on all my makeup with only the help of the shitty little passenger seat mirror. Of course, because I have such deft hands, I ended up getting green eyeshadow all over my face. How very Tarzan-and-Jane, if only I had left my legs unshaved.
Swung round to pick up Dory and Webbie and while waiting in the car, I tried to wipe all the green off my forehead. Then realised that my entire, giant makeup-bag full of stuff had no mascara and no eyeliner.
I rang Dory: “Can I please borrow some eyeliner and mascara?”
She said: “Errr my maid has gone out and I can’t find my makeup bag anywhere!!!!”
Okay, we finally got there and discovered we were the first 5% of people to get there. If I’d known we wouldn't start for another two hours, I could have done my makeup in front of a proper mirror and not ended up looking like a monster!
Everyone there was
Is it just me, or does Zen Ben look a bit terrified to be standing next to me?
I got to sit next to Shin. And just for the record I love Shin to bits but I also hate her just that little bit because she has big boobs, nice legs and hair fit for a Rejoice advert:
Superlong fabulous hair that she's always swishing about like they do on teevee. What shampoo you use lah, Shin?
So I attempted to take a photo with her, hoping that the goodness might rub off (it didn’t, obviously).
Shin is soooo wearing cute pink makeup that looks like that new Barbie line that MAC has. And okay, why does my head look about twice the size of Shin's?!
Kennie came reaaaally late because he was getting his hair cut. How much of a woman does that make him sound like? He was being very sociable today though, and even wore a shirt with butterflies. So the Social Butterfly.
Kennie never wears anything other than beige workshirts so this. is. amazing.
I was also sitting next to JJ who was feeling very subdued today. The crazy nutter has had a fever for THREE WEEKS and only just decided to go to the doctor today because I FORCED HIM (so The Bodhisattva I am). So he was on antibiotics and couldn’t drink. Poor kesian baby lah. Look how sad he looks.
"I really want to drink and party but I caaaaaaaaaaan't. Boooo."
But Shin decided she would tart up like a kinky secretary with Kennie’s glasses and went to slut up to him (not that he would be remotely turned out by either her boobs, legs or Rejoice hair):
Shin looks as red as the wine bottles so probably didn't notice that JJ STILL wasn't a happy camper.
Across the table was JP, who, I hate to admit it, looked so good I could have eaten him with a spoon. He is now, he professes, the Number One Fan of my blog (out of like the grand total of six who are actually reading it) and kept calling me Dolly all night.
“Hey, so what do you think of this, Dolly?”
“Let’s see what Dolly has to say about this.”
If he is not straight, all the straight girls are going to cry so much into their handbags, they’ll get carried away in a Pool of Tears like in Alice in Wonderland.
Anyway, along came Maple, the Syrup Girl after her err…. xth glass of wine (lost count even before the starters came) and JP decided he would try to snog her, even though her husband was standing, like, right there.
Damn perasaan or what!
Anyway, Maple set the precedent because after that, that seat became The Hot Seat. Since nobody was sitting in it (somebody failed to turn up), JP and Kennie made sure someone did, and then proceeded to harass them. Some of them seriously did not think it was becoming to have JP and Kennie’s tongues plastered against their faces…
Wendy protests: "Lemme go! lemme go! Eewwwwww! You boys are grrrrooooosssss!"
Bonita wonders how the hell she got herself into THIS predicament. "What the fuuuuuck?" (except Bonita doesn't really speak like that)
But some of them SURE LOVED IT!
Krystal looks like she's being put through some frightening roller-coaster. Isn't she just so cute?!
Webbie was wearing a dress that showed off her boobies... so, JP gives us a preview.
Oh, Ruby was just LOVING IT!!!!!!!!! (And note her kitschy Rainbow Brite dress *loves*)
At some point, between all the lecherous antics, I noticed that Kennie has this extraordinarily long tongue, which is really good for…errr…well….ok, never mind. His girlfriend sure is lucky though *cough*
Then half way through between the fish and the noodles, evil Rudy with the most Outrageous Shiny Wardrobe managed to convince me to down my horrible glass of wine. I have officially decided Red Wine is FOUL and only for geriatrics. If I ever have a wedding, no one is allowed to drink any alcohol except martinis. I will throw a tantrum if I see a Red Wine Bottle.
This is Rudy, who was wearing glittery eyes on his shirt, and who made me drink yukky red wine.
I went for a timeout at his table because it was the quietest one in the whole place (there were only 5 of them there). And he said to me that he thinks I live a really interesting life. I was thinking "Uhhh.... if you see all the nonsense I spend my time on, you won't think so anymore!" But instead I just gave him a confused look.
He said, "Yah, really. You're very unique!"
That's the second time someone's said that to me this week. WTF! Is that supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing? It's like when they talk about mice which scientists use to harvest ears and random body parts on. They say, "What a unique case." It's a nice way of saying you're a bloody weirdo!
Anyway, Rudy's red wine made me really grumpy and sleepy and I wanted to just curl up under the table and go to sleep. So I sat there and looked glum and felt as subdued as my mother would like me to be. JP started again with the Dolly stuff: “But Dolly isn’t allowed to be sleepy!!” Pfft.
So what to do? The only way to wake myself up is boys lah. So I put myself in the Hot Seat, and my, don’t we look gorgeous!
Hedonism! (PS I wasn't the one who pulled down my own sleeve, okay. I'm not THAT much into myself!)
Then Shin and I ran around harassing boys (aw c’mon, they loved it!)
Paul has the nicest skin EVER and I want to lick his cheek!
As if! If David is straight, I'll become an accountant for a living.
I have never seen anybody look so so so indulgent about anything!
Shin turned it up a notch and transformed into The Ultimate Tease. She SO was a Shanghainese go-go girl in her last life and Kennie must have been a serial womaniser. Why else would it all look Just So Natural...
This is SO the Patrick Swayze Dirty Dancing kind of pose except well, we get to see Kennie instead of Patrick. And see what I mean about Shin's nice legs?! Such a teeeeeeease!
Okay, I wanted to play too... Poor JP (or not, as is the case). There's just so much leg everywhere!
Kennie stomped around after like a small child, saying over and over, "It's not fair! He got two! I only got one!"
It wasn’t a wedding anymore, it an internal party. People weren’t just letting their hair down. They were tearing it out and running around like Dionysian maenads! (for you unliterary plebs, read the link).
So not holy.
But so much fun!
Poor Krystal’s daughter must have wondered what the hell happened, and why The Most Important Day of her life was being trampled on by these very strange people.
We MADE the wedding what it was though and soon everyone was up and dancing around the carpet. Even Krystal got down and boogied!
Seeeee, she is the Ultimate Sugar Plum Faery.
Oh yah, see... this is Sio Chian before the dinner when it was all decorum and dining. So refined, so relaxed, so see-mun.
And this is her, five hours later, looking reaaaaally groovy, baby!...
Anyway, it's been 10 hours and I still feel sick from the red wine which made me not sleep all night (I'm going to get you, Rudy!). Today, I so much to dooo and all I want to do is stay in bed, have sex (it's been a while *rolls eyes*), watch trashy teevee and Hermione Lee's Virgnia Woolf biography. I hate the days after parties. *needs a holiday*
And I have spent bloooooody ages writing this post and posting all the pix up and now I'm even further behind in all my work and Joe and JP are going to scream at me for being so unfocused *cries* so you all better leave me some nice comments at least!
PS despite all the questionable behaviour, I'm still a good girl, I am!
My piddly little attempt to be artistic, lofty AND make lots of cash for the sake of Enlightenment.
THEN, JP said he knows someone who's bringing in My Fair Lady and have offered to do a charity night with us so hurray lots of money for us without having to do anything except shove tickets in people's faces and threaten... I mean, encourage them to buy.
JP told us the whole plan and Dory and I got so happy, we started singing Eliza Doolittle songs nobody seemed amused though, nor even slightly excited at the prospect of singing along to campy songs.
Then Margaret, who is so pretty it makesmesick, said, while looking at a bunch of printouts JP had passed around about the production, "Hey, this fair lady is a bit FAT isn't she?" which is soooo not a fair thing for her to say since she has The Perfect Figure. Of course lah, she looks fat! Anyone bigger than Margaret, or who has a lopsided belly or something is gonna look fat!
Well anyway, JP is my new favourite hero (it changes every month). He really knows the whole wide world. Earlier in the meeting, he told he knew someone who was a fire consultant, who he would talk to about some fire escape regulation... Then he told us about his friend who owns a marble store, who would help us tile our new centre... Then he told us about person he knew who is doing the My Fair Lady thing... Then he told us about another friend who brings in international acts into KL...
This is on top of the contacts he has for making Buddha statues, the whole singing population of KL, his celebrity friends and all his friends in every industry imaginable from food, to fashion, to tile making. He is a walking yellow pages and when you are talking to him, you feel about THIS SMALL but at the same time also VERY SPECIAL that you get to be friends with him.
(I know he reads this blog now so since I have to work with him so much lately, I thought I should layan a bit lah, okay...)
Also, since I slept until forever today, I thought I should go to the gym and make up for the laziness by torturing myself as best I can.... which worked because I felt like death on that EVIL stepper!
Then as I was doing my stretches, I looked up and saw a BodyStep class going on which made me
since I haven't been to Bodystep for a whole loooooong year now!
So there I was doing my stretches with my head craned up to look at the backsides of everyone in the class. I ain't that out of it yet - I can still figure out what track they're doing from looking at them hopping up and down. Okay, lah, that's a bit sad, I admit. But I lovelovelove BodyStep and it makes me cry that I haven't done it in ages because of my crabby, old woman legs.
After the stretches, I went up and stared in the window and saw the most fabulous step instructor ever. I was infatuated a year ago (he is gorgeous and I want to eat him!) but what to do lah, he Bats For The Other Team (no surprises there); now I get my cheap thrills just by looking at him through the glass door.
Okay, so now it's 3am and after a very busy 12-hour day, I think I deserve to crawl back into my booootiful bed!
Wai Meng volunteered to pose, using Ben's poor bewildered chihuahua as a replacement for the mongoose:
We obviously didn't have anything better to do lah, that Friday night.
I spent most of the evening hanging out with JJ though, in a vain attempt to hide behind his very tall tallness to get away from certain people... It doesn't work because I'm as wide as he is tall but together, we somehow managed to avoid the people we were trying to avoid.
And I am convinced that he's actually a little 6 year old boy masquerading in a 23 year old body, like from that movie Big with Tom Hanks.
See - evidence. How many 23 year olds do you know look like they're about to burst into spontaneous song and dance any moment? Not many. But you do know many 6 year olds who would... and JJ is one of them.
He also looks remarkably like Winnie the Pooh, and I don't know if that's the more surprising fact, or the fact that he looks so damn happy to be hugging a Pooh Bear.
We ended up staying at the party until about 7am, by which time we had worked through dinner, supper, teabreaks and breakfast. Never ever eaten so much in my whole little life.
Okay, so it's the lace-ups that make her look so kinky.
GL has this look like she wants to go hunt down men with a spear.
Gary looks like he's 18 and I ALWAYS think he's still in college. Then he reminds me he's older than me, damnit, where's the respect.
He gets totally red and cute and sleepy after one drink so it makes me look like a Strong Tough Woman being able to drink one and a half mojitos.
Then JJ came! Yay! And draped himself over Kin.
Really can't figure out who looks happier here...? (And at certain angles, this pose looks very err... spoonish?!)
Then, *I* wanted to Kodak with Kin too just because he is officially the Cutest Person Alive and was wearing a Totally Cutests Outfit Alive combo that made him look very 2007-PeterPan.
My fat face aside, all I could notice was, my, my, what a big mouth you have, Kin...
"All the better to......?"
"Hush now. Is that decent public behaviour!!?"
Oh yah, and I had only brought RM50 with me, which is dumb because cover charge alone was RM30. I was actually more mad about how dumb I was to forget to bring more $$, than the fact that I couldn't drink more. So I did my self-deprecating thing and told everyone how stoopid I was.
Actually, I just wanted sympathy and for someone to tell me I wasn't really stupid, and that they did that all the time too, but instead, everyone wanted to buy me drinks which was a bonus! At first, I was all, "No, no, no, no, don't you get it? The no-drinking thing is good for a heather feather cheapdrunk lightweight like me," but they all looked appalled that I had been drinking the SAME grapefruit and vodka for about 2 hours.
Then William (Kee) bought me a mojito and insisted I drink it. So what to do? I drink lah!
Gary stood next to me trying not to topple over, as I tried to make my mojito last another 2 hours and I spotted this guy in a white shirt who I was sure I knew. I knew his ex-boyfriend too and could even remember the exact place, time and party I had met him last.
But I have a memory like a sieve and couldn't be sure if it was really him, and the only thing about his name I could remember was that it started with S and sounded Japanesey. He kept looking over but he didn't smile even when I did. And there were only so many times I was going to try to smile at him, okay. Just in case it wasn't him, I was going to look like a dumb ass smiling smiling smiling away at some random guy.
Gary was all, "But he's so hot lar. He's so hot. He's so hot lar," and tried to get me to go find out if it was him. By the time, I decided to go say hello, White Shirt had disappeared, so I decided to go look for him.
And on the way, I found Nabila, who is apparently living in Indonesia now?!?!
We were so trying to be Paris Hilton but I think the vodka had impaired our judgement by then.
I finally found White Shirt and he was who I thought I was. Then after I found out what his name was (sooooo shaming, having to ask someone what their name is again), I realised I had uh... nothing to talk to him about.
Luckily, while talking to Shirt, Alex-from-The-Attic happened to realise that I was, in fact, standing next to him so he said hello and I had enough distraction to tide me over for a while. And then, JJ spotted someone else, so we made our excuses and left.
Many salacious secrets and guts spilled later, it was Time For Supper. Really now, supper is SO not good for weight loss ambitions and digestion blah blahs... especially not the fried oily noodle kind. Oh, but it tasted sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good. And JJ got to sit next Kin which made him real happy.
And then, before you know it, the night hours are up and it's time to go home. Boo!