Warning: This is a ridiculously, tiringly long post. If you end up wasting time reading it instead of doing Other Important Things, that's your fault for not manging your time properly!

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was a lady in Kechara House called Krsytal. She is THE MOST ADORABLE SUGARPLUM FAERY and had a daughter who decided to get married.

So there was a wedding party and everyone at KH was invited. Huzzah! Party! Time to slut up and party down :)

(okay, enough about Krsytal, let’s talk about me now)

Earlier in the day, Beach – the best shop this side of the Equator – had their opening party in Bangsar Village II. Everyone HAS to go there and buy something if not I cannot be your friend.

So I rocked up and die-die was determined to go shopping. So I did, and even bumped into Chin Li and JP there. Chin Li is the only person over 40 who looks like she’s 27 and she is as desperate to put on weight as I am to lose it. She’s a hoot and I love her all the more because she bought something from Beach too. JP didn’t although he picked up this cigarette holder that said FUCK PARENTAL ADVISORY and held it up to show me.

I said, “Eewwwww, that is so something a 14-year-old would have.”

He said, “Yah but it’s so you!!!!!!” Whatever that is supposed to mean for an innocent, well-behaved girl like me! Hmph!

Then I went for tea with Chin Li who told me all about how some 23-year-old guy is trying to ask her our. I was like, “Errr why not?” She’s like, “Because I’m 41!” I’m like, “errr yah, but you look 27!”

Anyway, suddenly it was 5.30 and the Krystal’s daughter’s wedding dinner was starting at 6.30.

SHIT.

I rushed back as quick as my the crap traffic around Bangsar would let me, ran up the stairs and into the shower. My legs were so hairy they would have scared off even the Orang Asli village heads, and I didn’t think to assault the poor guests so I had to shave them. (Dear Buddha, why lah do girls have to have body hair?!)

So.

Even with time constraints, I managed to take a shower, shave me legs, change my outfit 4 times, choose accessories and dig my shoes out of the cupboard in under 20 minutes. The shoes have been in there so long they were starting to grow mould, and the shinyblack was well, not so shiny, not so black, and very full of damp spots.

Tough. Got to go. Thank god got driver so no need to drive. Instead, I tried to put on all my makeup with only the help of the shitty little passenger seat mirror. Of course, because I have such deft hands, I ended up getting green eyeshadow all over my face. How very Tarzan-and-Jane, if only I had left my legs unshaved.

Swung round to pick up Dory and Webbie and while waiting in the car, I tried to wipe all the green off my forehead. Then realised that my entire, giant makeup-bag full of stuff had no mascara and no eyeliner.

I rang Dory: “Can I please borrow some eyeliner and mascara?”

She said: “Errr my maid has gone out and I can’t find my makeup bag anywhere!!!!”

Okay, we finally got there and discovered we were the first 5% of people to get there. If I’d known we wouldn't start for another two hours, I could have done my makeup in front of a proper mirror and not ended up looking like a monster!

Anyway.

Everyone there was

Is it just me, or does Zen Ben look a bit terrified to be standing next to me?

I got to sit next to Shin. And just for the record I love Shin to bits but I also hate her just that little bit because she has big boobs, nice legs and hair fit for a Rejoice advert:

Superlong fabulous hair that she's always swishing about like they do on teevee. What shampoo you use lah, Shin?

So I attempted to take a photo with her, hoping that the goodness might rub off (it didn’t, obviously).

Shin is soooo wearing cute pink makeup that looks like that new Barbie line that MAC has. And okay, why does my head look about twice the size of Shin's?!

Kennie came reaaaally late because he was getting his hair cut. How much of a woman does that make him sound like? He was being very sociable today though, and even wore a shirt with butterflies. So the Social Butterfly.

Kennie never wears anything other than beige workshirts so this. is. amazing.

I was also sitting next to JJ who was feeling very subdued today. The crazy nutter has had a fever for THREE WEEKS and only just decided to go to the doctor today because I FORCED HIM (so The Bodhisattva I am). So he was on antibiotics and couldn’t drink. Poor kesian baby lah. Look how sad he looks.

"I really want to drink and party but I caaaaaaaaaaan't. Boooo."

But Shin decided she would tart up like a kinky secretary with Kennie’s glasses and went to slut up to him (not that he would be remotely turned out by either her boobs, legs or Rejoice hair):

Shin looks as red as the wine bottles so probably didn't notice that JJ STILL wasn't a happy camper.

Across the table was JP, who, I hate to admit it, looked so good I could have eaten him with a spoon. He is now, he professes, the Number One Fan of my blog (out of like the grand total of six who are actually reading it) and kept calling me Dolly all night.
“Hey, so what do you think of this, Dolly?”
“Let’s see what Dolly has to say about this.”
“Hey, Dolly!”

If he is not straight, all the straight girls are going to cry so much into their handbags, they’ll get carried away in a Pool of Tears like in Alice in Wonderland.

Anyway, along came Maple, the Syrup Girl after her err…. xth glass of wine (lost count even before the starters came) and JP decided he would try to snog her, even though her husband was standing, like, right there.

Damn perasaan or what!

Anyway, Maple set the precedent because after that, that seat became The Hot Seat. Since nobody was sitting in it (somebody failed to turn up), JP and Kennie made sure someone did, and then proceeded to harass them. Some of them seriously did not think it was becoming to have JP and Kennie’s tongues plastered against their faces…

Wendy protests: "Lemme go! lemme go! Eewwwwww! You boys are grrrrooooosssss!"

Bonita wonders how the hell she got herself into THIS predicament. "What the fuuuuuck?" (except Bonita doesn't really speak like that)

But some of them SURE LOVED IT!

Krystal looks like she's being put through some frightening roller-coaster. Isn't she just so cute?!

Webbie was wearing a dress that showed off her boobies... so, JP gives us a preview.

Oh, Ruby was just LOVING IT!!!!!!!!! (And note her kitschy Rainbow Brite dress *loves*)

At some point, between all the lecherous antics, I noticed that Kennie has this extraordinarily long tongue, which is really good for…errr…well….ok, never mind. His girlfriend sure is lucky though *cough*

Then half way through between the fish and the noodles, evil Rudy with the most Outrageous Shiny Wardrobe managed to convince me to down my horrible glass of wine. I have officially decided Red Wine is FOUL and only for geriatrics. If I ever have a wedding, no one is allowed to drink any alcohol except martinis. I will throw a tantrum if I see a Red Wine Bottle.

This is Rudy, who was wearing glittery eyes on his shirt, and who made me drink yukky red wine.

I went for a timeout at his table because it was the quietest one in the whole place (there were only 5 of them there). And he said to me that he thinks I live a really interesting life. I was thinking "Uhhh.... if you see all the nonsense I spend my time on, you won't think so anymore!" But instead I just gave him a confused look.

He said, "Yah, really. You're very unique!"

That's the second time someone's said that to me this week. WTF! Is that supposed to be a good thing or a bad thing? It's like when they talk about mice which scientists use to harvest ears and random body parts on. They say, "What a unique case." It's a nice way of saying you're a bloody weirdo!

Anyway, Rudy's red wine made me really grumpy and sleepy and I wanted to just curl up under the table and go to sleep. So I sat there and looked glum and felt as subdued as my mother would like me to be. JP started again with the Dolly stuff: “But Dolly isn’t allowed to be sleepy!!” Pfft.

So what to do? The only way to wake myself up is boys lah. So I put myself in the Hot Seat, and my, don’t we look gorgeous!

Hedonism! (PS I wasn't the one who pulled down my own sleeve, okay. I'm not THAT much into myself!)

Then Shin and I ran around harassing boys (aw c’mon, they loved it!)

Paul has the nicest skin EVER and I want to lick his cheek!

As if! If David is straight, I'll become an accountant for a living.

I have never seen anybody look so so so indulgent about anything!

Shin turned it up a notch and transformed into The Ultimate Tease. She SO was a Shanghainese go-go girl in her last life and Kennie must have been a serial womaniser. Why else would it all look Just So Natural...

This is SO the Patrick Swayze Dirty Dancing kind of pose except well, we get to see Kennie instead of Patrick. And see what I mean about Shin's nice legs?! Such a teeeeeeease!

Okay, I wanted to play too... Poor JP (or not, as is the case). There's just so much leg everywhere!

Kennie stomped around after like a small child, saying over and over, "It's not fair! He got two! I only got one!"

It wasn’t a wedding anymore, it an internal party. People weren’t just letting their hair down. They were tearing it out and running around like Dionysian maenads! (for you unliterary plebs, read the link).

So not holy.

But so much fun!

Poor Krystal’s daughter must have wondered what the hell happened, and why The Most Important Day of her life was being trampled on by these very strange people.

We MADE the wedding what it was though and soon everyone was up and dancing around the carpet. Even Krystal got down and boogied!

Seeeee, she is the Ultimate Sugar Plum Faery.

Oh yah, see... this is Sio Chian before the dinner when it was all decorum and dining. So refined, so relaxed, so see-mun.

And this is her, five hours later, looking reaaaaally groovy, baby!...


Anyway, it's been 10 hours and I still feel sick from the red wine which made me not sleep all night (I'm going to get you, Rudy!). Today, I so much to dooo and all I want to do is stay in bed, have sex (it's been a while *rolls eyes*), watch trashy teevee and Hermione Lee's Virgnia Woolf biography. I hate the days after parties. *needs a holiday*

And I have spent bloooooody ages writing this post and posting all the pix up and now I'm even further behind in all my work and Joe and JP are going to scream at me for being so unfocused *cries* so you all better leave me some nice comments at least!

PS despite all the questionable behaviour, I'm still a good girl, I am!