On the up: All those pretty wedding things On the down: Coordination
Joy and I spent 8 hours looking for a party dress for her wedding yesterday. As a self-professed shopping whore, I have to say even I've never seen so many dresses in a day.And if I have to look at another pair of silver shoes, I will scream!
It is just so funny going shopping with Joy though - we are like the worst examples of how a to-be bride and wedding planner should be.
We are totally disorganised and we spend more time smoking cigarettes and eating ice cream than doing what we're supposed to do.
On the up: Excitement On the down: My life, at a standstill
Sometimes I read other people's blogs and I wonder if their lives really are *that* exciting or if they just manage to make it sound that way.
Why does everything feel so boring at the moment.
After Dr Seow broke my back (well, not really, he fixed it actually but it felt like someone bashed it to bits) I came home and collapsed in a pile. Then I slept 16 hours and had many wonderful dreams, including one of living with Clive Owen in a very pretty house.
I woke up and still felt like a horse had trod on my back. I ate something, then did my sadhana,
THEN WENT BACK TO SLEEP.
FOR ANOTHER 15 HOURS.
Like, how is that even possible, you ask, I ask, we all ask.
I have to say though, that since the mammoth 31 hours, I have been feeling bloody good, like I haven't felt in MONTHS.
Before that, I felt like I was going to smash into smithereens from all the upside-down jetlag that I've self-imposed on myself with the late bedtimes and later getting-up-times.
HOW DO THE LADRANG PEOPLE DO IT. They are not humans, I tell you. They are magical emanations of dakinis. Or cyborgs.
For some excitement, I thought I would go cut my hair yesterday at The Met (my most favourite salon in the whole wide world, with the bestest stylists ever). Then I remembered I'm not allowed to do anything with my hair because of the filming stuff. So all I could do was trim it. bleah.
By Emil The Stylist is fabulous and trimmed it into a pseudo-almost-bob. With my swirly purple and yellow I felt so sixties, so girly, so Mary Quant wheeee!
Later, I saw JP and said, "I got my hair cut! Do you like my new sixties hair style?"
He said, "What hair style? You got your hair cut?" *smack*
Then this morning I woke up and it's all flat and not bob-like at all anymore and I feel like a coconut.
BUT I shall persevere with this bob thing. Emil said I have a "very round-shaped head" which would be great for holding up a bob without any product. Well, I do have a bloody strangely shaped head and I'm glad it's finally good for something!
Okay, me talking about my hair is a true indication of just how uninteresting my life is at the moment.
I am so damn sick of my horrid knees! I wish I could saw them off and get new ones.
JJ said, "Oh goodie, then we can boil your legs up and have chicken feet soup."
I went all the way down to Melaka to get them fixed yesterday. And boy did the doctor fix them. He fixed my back too and now I feel like someone bashed me real hard with a giant bommyknocker stick right in the small of my back. *BASH*.
He said I could swim though, yay! So I thought I would go and swim a bit today; I thought it might help somehow. I thought real wrong. IT STILL HURTS. Stoopid me.
See, lesson learnt: Don't jump up and down like a mad woman in body step classes every single day of the week. Gym instructors can do it because they're trained, but normal nobodies like you and I are going to wreck something by jumping about like crazed, possessed rabid monsters. It makes you REALLY DAMN SUPER THIN AND BEAUTIFUL and you burn a million calories but it's so not worth having painful, fall-apart knees for the next few YEARS!
On the up: Gossip On the down: JP's big clackety mouth
Empress JP is at it again.
This is an example of just how much of a woman he can be.
The other day, at about 2am in the morning, he rang me up.
"Guess what guess what! I have news for you!!! You're going to be sooooooooooooo excited."
I said, "What what!"
He said, "It's sooooo exciting! I'm so happy for you! Are you ready? Are you listening? Are you excited? Man, you're going to be soooooo SEX-cited!"
Okay okay, get on with it already, dude.
You could imagine drumrolls, it was that dramatic.
He said, "We found out! SP's looking for a girlfriend!"
*smack on the forehead* I said, "Oh my god. That's it?"
Then he spent the next ten minutes on the phone trying to convince me that I should go out with SP.
I was all no no no no no no no nooooooooooooooooooo.
So then Jenny got on the phone to try to convince me.
I said, "You people so damn free in the ladrang issit!"
In their zeal, they had forgotten the most important question which was whether or not SP was even interested in me, like Hello! Check with the man first lah before you start matching horoscopes and making plans like real ah-so's!
I told the Empress that the last time she tried to play matchmaker it was a disaster so why should I listen to any more of her grand recommendations!
He said, "Oh no no no, that was a mistake. This time, it's different!"
Over the next few days, I decided to leave it be and keep quiet before JP got any more grand ideas.
Then today, he asked me, in front of SP, "How much do you have in your bank account?"
Like I would tell him, d'oh.
He asked, "Do you have five million?"
Like er, no of course not!
He suggested, very cleverly, "Why don't you ask your dad to give you five million."
He said, "SP said he would marry you if you had five to ten million. And I get 10% of the dowry, so that's about 500k!"
I said, "I don't want to marry SP!"
"But you can have him if you have five million."
"But I don't want to marry him!"
It went on like that for a while. Eventually he said, "Well, I'm just trying to help you! I'm creating opportunities for you but you don't want!" Like I was being so ungrateful and difficult, hah!
SP was lying in a corner, trying to sleep so he didn't do anything except grunt a few times - I can't figure out if it was in agreement or disgust.
Oh my god, sometimes that JP really needs a punch in the eye for being so exasperating but you just can't bring yourself to do it because it's all so damn funny.
I found it pretty interesting that someone left a comment recently about how my blog is such a bad reflection of Kechara House and Rinpoche. I throw one big BF on my blog because I was mad and frustrated about something, and I was suddenly totally discredited for ruining the name of Buddhism.
Sure, I *am* trying to follow a spiritual path and yes, I do call myself a Buddhist, but that also doesn't mean I fart rainbows and I speak of enlightened qualities. I have shitty days, I have mad days and I have days that I want to run people over with my car.
I took that post down (as you've read) not because someone called me a "bad Buddhist" but because of how much it really did hurt someone. My big, stupid ego stood in the way of me taking it down before - yes, it was all done out of spite and anger. I knew it all along, even as I was writing it but I finally faced it properly to take it down.
I've spent the last few days feeling totally shitty about the whole thing. I'm conflicted because I still stand by what I felt about what the dogs' living conditions then (although that is resolved now) but I'm also shitted about the way I didn't handle the situation any better, other than let my rage go nuts on me.
I have days when I'm working hands-on with the teachings through my editing and writing work, and I think I will never, ever be angry ever again. Then I have a big disagreement with someone and it drives me mad with irritation for the rest of the day. Or I just can't get through to someone and I get totally consumed and angry.
Then, the worst part is that not only do I feel angry, but then I feel totally guilty for getting angry. I told Rinpoche once that it was easier before I knew Dharma, because then I could just get angry, enjoy being angry and plot ways to get back at people. Now, I get angry, and then I just feel shit about it. Now, there's something worse than being angry, which is knowing that you've totally screwed up something and somebody is hurting because of it.
My point is that even as Buddhists, we still get mad, we still get hateful and we still want to "get someone back." We also feel guilty, we feel sad, we have arguments with people and then regret that we didn't go about it a different way. As Buddhists, we're still people, we still fuck up and go crazy on ourselves and on the people around us. That's not an excuse, but it's saying that to expect me to spew hearts and write only about how much I love the world every day is unrealistic and is not really what it's all about.
Sure, I could write ONLY about the good things, but that's not who I really am or what my world, work and spiritual practice is actually about. This blog is about one person's spiritual path, including all the rubbish, the mistakes, the conflicts that arise out of it.
I totally disagree with someone telling me I am a bad Buddhist and a bad reflection of Dharma. I'd like to think I am a real reflection of what people on a spiritual/Dharma path actually are. If these people could see what actually goes on in spiritual circles and Dharma centres they would be shocked out of their little minds. They would see that we scream hell at each other, we fight, we bitch, we gossip, we get political, we play mind games. We also laugh, we play, we drop everything to help someone, we stay up until 4am to mop our friend's floor, we plan each other's weddings. We do everything that everyone outside does because we are just like everyone outside. I'd like to think that the difference lies in how we react to these situations, or learn from it - maybe not immediately but definitely within a period of days, weeks or months. The lessons come nicely but they also hit hard and we're all just trying to learn it. I know I am.
So please keep your judgements to yourself unless you actually know who I am and know me well, thank you very much!!
Published Thursday, January 17, 2008 by Dolly.
I have removed *that* post. I still believe in giving dogs better living conditions but there was nothing but negativity coming out of that entry so I thought it would better not to have it up (even though all I wanted to do was express my frustrations; it is my blog and I should be allowed to do that after all!) The fact is that the dogs are well taken care of now, and that's the most important thing.
I'm not going to comment on this issue anymore. I know where I stand and that's really all I need and want to know.
On the up: Wedding parties On the down: Not finding a husband
As the now-official wedding planner, I went wedding gown shopping with Joy today (like 9 hours!) I've never seen so many wedding dresses in my life.
See, karma has a funny way of doing things: how did someone so anti-weddings like me end up writing for a bridal magazine AND planning a wedding within the span of only two months. Anyway, there's nothing you can't do when you put your mind to it and this is going to be a SPLENDID WEDDING just you watch!
Joy already looks gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous, even when she's just trying on dresses half asleep, and half ill. I can't wait for the whole thing to be put together plus the hair, plus the makeup, plus the glittery shoes, plus the big fat cake!
After the whole day, now I want to get married!
No no no no, not for the whole commitment thing, or the marriage til-death-do-us-part thing, or the love-forever thing, or the you-make-me-complete thing.
But just for the BIG FAT WEDDING PARTY. I'm looking most forward to The cake! The dress! The vodka!
I've already picked out what kind of dress I want. All day, I kept trying to get Joy to try on the crazy big enormous can-can type dresses. "THAT ONE THAT ONE TRY THAT ONE!" But Joy is sophisticated and classic and she just gave me this look and said, "Yes, Yes that's very YOU lah." I'm so excited! I want to make my dress now! And I think I've got to start trying to lose weight RIGHT NOW for my future imaginary wedding party because I am as big as a house.
And the cake! I'm not sharing the cake with anyone. The guests will have their own separate cake. And I am going to eat my wedding cake all by myself - all three tiers of it.
And the vodka! No big horrid poncey Chinese dinner. Just a big fat pool party, where the pool is filled only with vodka and the decorations are made out of martini glasses.
Now the only problem is I have to find me a bloody husband and do all that commitment rubbish.
On the up: New experiences On the down: Unpredictability
Well, I have to say, sometimes I just love my life because it just never, never, ever, ever gets boring.
I was thinking recently about how my days and "work" can now vary from editing books, to planning book launches in Pavilion, to cleaning the bathroom (not my own), to travelling to France/China/India/Thailand at the drop of a hat, to proofreading badly written articles, to figuring out how to start up my own business to managing a guest house and wondering why the hell the ceiling keeps leaking, to planning a wedding (again, not my own), to volunteering at the world's largest thangka exhibition, to organising film shoots of myself (narcissism at its height), to having two-hour discussions on how to make Joe happy, to planning a new fashion website, to interviewing jazz artistes and checking out art exhibitions, to rolling mantras, to chauffering around a little dog (also not my own), to having very serious discussions about DVD cases (black? or white? or clear plastic?).
And this is all in the name of work, career and "what I do." Sometimes when I meet people who I haven't seen in ages and they ask me "so what are you up to?" I have no idea what to tell them.
When I meet new people and they ask that awful question "What do you do?" I bag it all together and say "I'm a freelance writer" which is partly true for probably about 10% of the week.
Well, the point is that being a proper writer is where I really want to get, so I'm doing it the tantra way and "taking the result onto the path" and telling people that that's what I am right now. Positive affirmation etc (If you have no idea about tantra and "taking the result onto the path" thingy then okay never mind, it's complicated. Go to youtube and listen to all of Rinpoche's teachings.)
There are hundreds more random things I end up doing. It's all a learning curve, I tell myself, as I figure out a way to scrub the scum off a soap dish / try to understand what the hell Jason is talking about when he explains all that business stuff to me / figure out how and where to find English Hospital blankets / sit in the middle of a wedding exhibition on a Sunday afternoon (not for myself).
On the up: Sa Ding Ding On the down: Not being able to get started on the preliminaries
I told Shin I want Vajrasattva as my boyfriend because he's so fricking hot.
But then she pointed out that since he's all about purification he would probably run me over with his car every day or slap me silly or something.
Oh and that thing about him being a Buddha, which would technically make it pretty hard to date him wouldn't it.
He also has an incredibly neat mantra that always sounds so very very very hot as a song.
Sa DingDing did a fantastic version of the mantra and made a boooootiful video. It's the first time I've ever actually gone out and bought a CD by a Chinese artiste. And now I'm obsessed and spent a whole evening editing the song just so I could fix it as my phone ring tone. Go watch watch watch!
And then Singa Rinpoche's uber trendy version:
(But Tsem Rinpocheis hotter and don't you forget it! - isn't this such propaganda hehe!)
Everytime I hear these songs and watch the videos I get all *BUZZ* and think "Yes yes yes! I'm going to start my 100,000 Vajrasattva preliminaries" - that's 100,000 recitations of Vajrasattva's mantra. Not the OM VAJRASATTVA HUNG one but this one:
OM BENZASATTO SAMAYA MANU PALAYA BENZASATTO TENO PATITA DIDRO MAY BHAWA SUTO KAYO MAY BHAWA SUPO KAYO MAY BAHWA ANU RAKTO MAY BAHWA SARWA SIDDHI ME PAR YATSA SARWA KARMA SUT TSA ME TISHTAM SHRIYAM KURU HUM HA HA HA HA HO BHAGAWAN SARWA TATAGATA BENZA MA MAY MUN TSA BENZA BAWA MAHA SAMAYA SATTO AH HUNG PHET
It sounds so fun and neat when sung but but but
so damn difficult to do it myself. It's sooooo long and I have the patience and attention span of a fish.
But I guess that's the whole point innit... the developing patience thing.
On the up: Pink! On the down: Not getting enough people to wear it
Well, so in case you didn't already know, fabulous Kechara in Motion (KIM) just launched the first episode of its newest reality show, The Dharma Princess Diaries, the the Dharma Princess is, of course, ME!
Dharma I'm not so sure about (yet), but the Princess part about being stuck up and spoilt and demanding is very true. I didn't think you could be Dharma and stuckup/spoilt/demanding but apparently you CAN!
Watch this to seeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Then, we had a party to celebrate the launch, complete with a popcorn machine, gourmet coffee (all sponsored!) and fluffy pink door gifts.
I demanded that everybody wear pink, even Howie the camera man.
Then, I knew everyone would expect me to turn up in fluff and tiaras and metres and metres of pink. So of course I didn't. The whole point is to keep em guessing innit? so I turned up looking very corporate. It was so unlike me even I was surprised!
Sharon and Miss Han should be given a million bucks each for putting up with me. They are the bestest bestest producers in the world and don't you forget it! Miss Han went from producing Fear Factor to well, dealing with a spoilt pink princess. Even she wore pink, but she hid it under her white shirt.
All my most favourite people in the world were there to celebrate Christmas and new year and ME (okay, I may as well stop pretending to be modest, I love the attention!). Even lovely jubly Rinpoche came to the premier. How many other people can say the Buddhas turn up at their premiers! so Pffft!
Buddha brought a big surprise with him when he came - my mum! Tucked off in the back seat of his car.
Jenny was all, "Go open the door for Rinpoche when he comes and offer him a khata."
I'm like "Why? Miss Han should do it, she's the head of KIM what."
Jenny's like "Just do it. Got meaning one."
And Jenny's quite scary so you just do whatever she tells you to do, damnit.
I was so damn nervous. Like in case I step on Rinpoche's foot, or shut the door on his fingers or something, so I didn't even notice that Muppet was sitting in the backseat.
Rinpoche's like "Look who I brought with me!"
Oh my god, such confusion. Your Guru here. And your mother there. And like you want to hug them both. So how.
Rinpoche's like, "Give your mum the khata!" My mum's like, "I have one already, give the khata to Rinpoche!" So I stuttered back and forth for ages and ages like a real dumb princess.
Later, Muppet got an audience with Rinpoche and I got to sneak in toooooo. And we even gotRainbow Brite JP into the photo (oh eeewwww how ugly is he in this photo).
I know this sounds so 5-year-old but it was just the bestest bestest Christmas ever!!! And Rinpoche loved the Dharma Princess Diaries, wheeeeeeeeee!
And everyone was happy smappy and dancing about and singing and looking BRIGHT AS BUTTONS!
There was Grace and Eddie who are the cutest people ever. When I grow up I also want to be like them because they like, never ever seem to get cross at anything and have infinite patience for everything (even when I screwed up the wall mural the other day and Grace had to come rescue all my bad splotches).
Pooh bear came too! and he found Tigger!
And my most favourite pink smiley spirit-girl Su Ming!!! Everyone is in PINK! love love love love love (note how Paulyne is at the back looking very stressed again, poor Paulyne).
Joey Wong did NOT wear pink and I will make him pay for it! We are friends now. Earlier last year I like really wanted to beat him up with a stick, but then I said sorry for being the real life version of Rachel McAdams from that movie Mean Girls and now we're pals! I'm still not happy he wore BLUE though. Tsk!
BUT, even Joy wore pink which is a big deal because she NEVER wears pink. I've known Joy since forever and ever and she has put up with me from Day One when I ran around Nepal harrassing her with questions about karma. Joy Joy Joy: remember how we went into every single shop in Boudhanath to find our very first Taras together, And now we each have 21!
Sharon is the only person whose writing I can read without wanting to throw up over my computer. hah! (See what I mean about snob and spoilt and demanding and all that). Also, she and Miss Han put the whole Princess video together (and now have to do another 12 episodes!!!) so she shall be magically transformed into a Bodhisattva by the end of it (she's already almost there anyway).
EVERYBODY (and I mean EVERYBODY)'s favourite designer Eric Choong came toooo. Isn't it amazing how someone can get so up-there and famous and still be so damn nice and not give a shit about any of that. And I still DON'T believe for a second that he is 45. My ass! If he's 45, I'm 108.
So we MUST take a photo together CLICK.
But Eric Choong is not Eric Choong without his glasses so he INSISTED we take more photos with glasses. I hate it that Eric looks younger than me here and he's like 20 years older than me!
And Chin Liiiii is the nuttiest person ever. She is also an emanation of a chopstick which means that even if I bind myself up in tight bandages I will still look like a sow next to her.
There are heaps and heaps and heaps more photos but I don't know where they are. Someone sneaky took all the photos and disappeared with them. So these ones of my fat legs will have to do.
Now all of you have to go watch the video when the full version is up on KIM's website if not I will throw a Princess Tantrum and kick you with my pointy pink shoes!
You know how things can get so wrong that you start to find it funny? The Kechara Guest House has been a monster house since it opened... I'm starting to think even Bates Motel didn't have as many problems (apart from the getting killed in the shower thing, of course).
There was that thing a few days where Su Ming and I found ourselves squatting on the hostel shower floor at midnight scraping the lacquer off the floor tiles with our fingernails because it had melted off and was starting to peel. There is NOTHING fun about scraping off bits of rubber or whatever it is with your fingernails, but it has to be done.
Beng Kooi came along with some Coke and poured it over the tiles to dissolve away the scum. It didn't work.
We had to come back the next day and scrape it off with knives.
The next day, I seemed to find this incredibly funny although no one else seemed to think so - a sure sign as ever that maybe you're starting to flip out a bit.
Then, the next next day, we came back up to the hostel to sort out some last minute stuff and opened one of the doors and discovered that the whole damn room had flooded.
This is AFTER a giant leak had already been fixed a few months ago.
So we spent the rest of the evening mopping up puddles and chucking out heaps of sodden things.
A few weeks ago, the toilet didn't flush and then suddenly Margaret or Paulyne or May called me up and said "guess what, the toilet doesn't flush and now it overflowed and there is shit all over the floor."
But a Bodhisattva managed to get someone in to fix it before the day was out.
And then all the furniture that keeps appearing and disappearing from the hostel. Like, I'm sure all six of those five-foot tables weren't there the last time I came up! Where did they come from?! And what happened to the sofa? And why did the microwave grow legs and run away? And why do baskets and baskets of food keep manifesting on the shelves like an Enid Blyton book?
It's all very peculiar, said the girl to herself.
I am starting to find it all very funny but I hope things start to find some sort of order because I can't spend my whole life solving the case of the missing furniture and scraping away at tiles like that crazy lady from Charlotte Perkins Gilman's short story, "The Yellow Wallpaper" (read it, it will freak you out!)
but my ex boyfriend has reincarnated back into my life, without even having to die.
Or maybe he just sat quietly in his bedroom and emanated himself out in another form. Yes, I think that must be it.
It's like the 21 different emanations of Taras, except in this case it's 21 maras and they're all out to teach me some kind of very taxing lesson.
I'm beginning to suspect though, that I must have done something seriously wrong and still haven't learnt the bloody lesson - non-attachment and letting go and learning to develop the Bodhicitta mind and abide in equanimity and all that.
And when you don't learn the lesson, karma makes sure get the same situation over and over again until you do.