On the up: Bodhicitta
On the down: Not having it!

I found it pretty interesting that someone left a comment recently about how my blog is such a bad reflection of Kechara House and Rinpoche. I throw one big BF on my blog because I was mad and frustrated about something, and I was suddenly totally discredited for ruining the name of Buddhism.

Sure, I *am* trying to follow a spiritual path and yes, I do call myself a Buddhist, but that also doesn't mean I fart rainbows and I speak of enlightened qualities. I have shitty days, I have mad days and I have days that I want to run people over with my car.

I took that post down (as you've read) not because someone called me a "bad Buddhist" but because of how much it really did hurt someone. My big, stupid ego stood in the way of me taking it down before - yes, it was all done out of spite and anger. I knew it all along, even as I was writing it but I finally faced it properly to take it down.

I've spent the last few days feeling totally shitty about the whole thing. I'm conflicted because I still stand by what I felt about what the dogs' living conditions then (although that is resolved now) but I'm also shitted about the way I didn't handle the situation any better, other than let my rage go nuts on me.

I have days when I'm working hands-on with the teachings through my editing and writing work, and I think I will never, ever be angry ever again. Then I have a big disagreement with someone and it drives me mad with irritation for the rest of the day. Or I just can't get through to someone and I get totally consumed and angry.

Then, the worst part is that not only do I feel angry, but then I feel totally guilty for getting angry. I told Rinpoche once that it was easier before I knew Dharma, because then I could just get angry, enjoy being angry and plot ways to get back at people. Now, I get angry, and then I just feel shit about it. Now, there's something worse than being angry, which is knowing that you've totally screwed up something and somebody is hurting because of it.

My point is that even as Buddhists, we still get mad, we still get hateful and we still want to "get someone back." We also feel guilty, we feel sad, we have arguments with people and then regret that we didn't go about it a different way. As Buddhists, we're still people, we still fuck up and go crazy on ourselves and on the people around us. That's not an excuse, but it's saying that to expect me to spew hearts and write only about how much I love the world every day is unrealistic and is not really what it's all about.

Sure, I could write ONLY about the good things, but that's not who I really am or what my world, work and spiritual practice is actually about. This blog is about one person's spiritual path, including all the rubbish, the mistakes, the conflicts that arise out of it.

I totally disagree with someone telling me I am a bad Buddhist and a bad reflection of Dharma. I'd like to think I am a real reflection of what people on a spiritual/Dharma path actually are.
If these people could see what actually goes on in spiritual circles and Dharma centres they would be shocked out of their little minds. They would see that we scream hell at each other, we fight, we bitch, we gossip, we get political, we play mind games. We also laugh, we play, we drop everything to help someone, we stay up until 4am to mop our friend's floor, we plan each other's weddings. We do everything that everyone outside does because we are just like everyone outside. I'd like to think that the difference lies in how we react to these situations, or learn from it - maybe not immediately but definitely within a period of days, weeks or months. The lessons come nicely but they also hit hard and we're all just trying to learn it. I know I am.

So please keep your judgements to yourself unless you actually know who I am and know me well, thank you very much!!