On the up: Gossip
On the down: JP's big clackety mouth

Empress JP is at it again.

This is an example of just how much of a woman he can be.

The other day, at about 2am in the morning, he rang me up.

"Guess what guess what! I have news for you!!! You're going to be sooooooooooooo excited."

I said, "What what!"

He said, "It's sooooo exciting! I'm so happy for you! Are you ready? Are you listening? Are you excited? Man, you're going to be soooooo SEX-cited!"

Okay okay, get on with it already, dude.

You could imagine drumrolls, it was that dramatic.

So?

He said, "We found out! SP's looking for a girlfriend!"

*smack on the forehead* I said, "Oh my god. That's it?"

Then he spent the next ten minutes on the phone trying to convince me that I should go out with SP.

I was all no no no no no no no nooooooooooooooooooo.

So then Jenny got on the phone to try to convince me.

I said, "You people so damn free in the ladrang issit!"

In their zeal, they had forgotten the most important question which was whether or not SP was even interested in me, like Hello! Check with the man first lah before you start matching horoscopes and making plans like real ah-so's!

I told the Empress that the last time she tried to play matchmaker it was a disaster so why should I listen to any more of her grand recommendations!

He said, "Oh no no no, that was a mistake. This time, it's different!"

Over the next few days, I decided to leave it be and keep quiet before JP got any more grand ideas.

Then today, he asked me, in front of SP, "How much do you have in your bank account?"

Like I would tell him, d'oh.

He asked, "Do you have five million?"

Like er, no of course not!

He suggested, very cleverly, "Why don't you ask your dad to give you five million."

What for?

He said, "SP said he would marry you if you had five to ten million. And I get 10% of the dowry, so that's about 500k!"

I said, "I don't want to marry SP!"

"But you can have him if you have five million."

"But I don't want to marry him!"

It went on like that for a while. Eventually he said, "Well, I'm just trying to help you! I'm creating opportunities for you but you don't want!" Like I was being so ungrateful and difficult, hah!

SP was lying in a corner, trying to sleep so he didn't do anything except grunt a few times - I can't figure out if it was in agreement or disgust.

Oh my god, sometimes that JP really needs a punch in the eye for being so exasperating but you just can't bring yourself to do it because it's all so damn funny.