On the up: His Holiness 14th Dalai Lama
On the down: Scum like me

It's been a whole big fabulous week of retreats. I didn't think I'd EVER say this but I have just totally loved it. It's been like a real proper Hogwarts - everyone zooming in on their BMWs and Mercedes Sports (okay, well, only Datin zooms in on that) and shiny new Myvis and doing retreat prayers together.

We managed one million mantras in two evenings!

There's been Kechara House/ retreat centre pujas and KMP pujas so I feel like the holiest little dakini in the world now. There's been prayers every day this past week - morning prayers, evening prayers, in between prayers and trying to be a really little goodie goodie tootsie-roll the rest of the time.

Everything culminated in a wonderful big open lama chopa puja tonight, which is a prayer session that is done towards ALLLLLLLL the Buddhas out there in the big vast enormous universe. It absolutely calls for being on one's best behaviour. You shut your eyes real hard and you pray hard and you think of all the wonderful things you want to accomplish. You will world peace into existence!

So I was all that. Good little compassionate me.

Then right after the prayer, someone came by and pissed me off. Well actually, they didn't really do anything to directly piss me off but all the forever-and-ever pent up pissed-off-ness from forever-and-ever all came out *bang* and I magically turned back into a bitch.

So I spewed out a whole lot of bitchiness, loud enough I'm sure that the Buddha sitting in the furthest corner of the big vast enormous universe could have heard.

All that, RIGHT after I'd just sat there and listened to Rinpoche talk about transforming our minds towards kindness, after I'd recited verses and verses and verses of HOLY prayers, after A WHOLE WEEK of being a little angel.

Obviously, this isn't anyone's fault but my own (not even that person) so I'm feeling very guilty now. Even my croonies, who doesn't like that person either were very disappointed in me for being such a monster.

OM om om om om om OM

I'm going to do a protector puja now to atone for the nastiness though I think that the protectors will be more like to club me with their cudgels than to send me rainbow rays of sympathy.