Dolly Girl

Rolled over Dolly

2008-12-03T01:06:00.002+08:00

I have a valid reason for disappearing. Actually, several.

First, a lorry rolled over my back and crushed me flat into a painful pancake. Okay, not really, but it sure felt that way. So through the course of Ayuvedic treatment and in between being Cripple and being Okay, I was laid out flat for days. Sitting at a laptop to do anything beyond answering one email at a time was very painful indeed.

Then, as I recovered, we're now going through enormous Panic At the Disco at work as we try to get two books out before the end of the year. It doesn't pay to be lazy, I tell yah. The laziness will come back to bite you on the ass. Real hard. *chomp*

Then I got all moochy and pissed off
at the world in general
at myself
at anybody who came within two feet of me
and wallowed in a bit of my own self-misery for awhile, which made me do really stupid things like go out and buy a bar of chocolate for RM30 (it is unbelievably DELICIOUS though) and watch trashy medical dramas for hours on end.

Life is more interesting when you actually, well, have a life and go out and do things you know.

Ayurveda Dolly

2008-11-06T15:44:00.002+08:00

I decided that it was time to sort out the eternal back pain.

So I've been to an Ayurveda centre - another reason to love India - where I got lovely jubly oil treatments and was legitimately allowed to sleep for two hours in the middle of the day.

It was so so so so so soooooooo nice and I get to do it another 13 times. Yay!

I tell you what. It sure beats the crappy Chinese acupuncture thing I did last year. Let's compare:

The Chinese treatment sticks needles into you in all the most painful places. Treatment is only 20 minutes in a freezing room. The Doctor was freaky and disallows everything in your diet except rice and steamed vegetables for 100 days. And you pay a bloody bomb.

The Indian Ayurdeva treatment pours lovely warm oil down your back (or wherever you're hurting). Treatment is 2 hours in a warm, airy room. The therapist is a jolly Indian lady who laughs a lot and although you have to restrict your diet a bit, it's only for 14 days and they let you eat fruit (the Chinese doesn't) And you don't pay a bloody bomb.

Truly, another reason to love India and feel just that little bit more irritation for the Chinese.

Crushed Dolly

2008-11-04T00:02:00.003+08:00

I feel like a really really big giant accidentally stepped on my back.

So painful can die.
So painful I cannot even breathe properly.

And I don't even know why.

When did this pain come from? WHERE?

I made lots of achy noises and stretches in the office today. It was very attention seeking. I wanted somebody to go "Awwww poor thing lah you." Not that that would actually alleviate the pain.

It hurt when I sit on a beanbag, it hurt when I sit on the floor in our chill out room at the office, it hurt when I sat at my proper chair at my proper desk. So finally, I decided that the only way forward was to eat Arcoxia.

I legged to the pharmacy and bought some very precious little chemicals. They were so expensive but heck, I'd spend anything for that pain to go away, please please please.

I don't care what people say about how they wreck your body and they screw up your liver and blah blah. Pharmaceuticals and chemicals and pills are WONDERFUL. I'm now trying to think of creative ways to turn it into a continuous 24-hour intravenous drip. I'll make it myself, dig a hole in my veins, stick the piping through and then live in pain-free bliss.

Interesting Dolly

2008-11-03T23:54:00.002+08:00

There are new big projects in the air, which involve me speaking Cantonese and I don't know how I am going to manage that. Takkan I go and pronounce "shoes" the wrong way leh.

I stared at JP and asked, "So why exactly am I doing this?"

He gave a very long explanation, as he always does - very detailed, very precise - and then finally, "Well, we thought you would be good because you look very.... interesting."

I looked at him *blink blink*

Interesting?

I said, "There's two ways you could interpret that!"

That's what people say about strange looking fruit, you know, when they come out as a kind of mix-breed plant. They say, "Oh what an INTERESTING specimen!"

Or when there's something very upsetting about the way that people are doing things in in upper management. They say, "Oh that's a very interesting sort of decision. Hmmm" and they go away and think about it because it is confounding and disturbing.

Well, perhaps I shouldn't be so self-derogatory. If it'll get people to watch, and do, and be enlightened, I'm game. I'll even wear some makeup for the event!

Lovely animals

2008-11-01T02:48:00.002+08:00

Dear Dollyblog readers,

If you like Dollyblog and you are reading this, please please please help to do something very important.

Read this post by KinkyBlueFairy (who has said it all and very well) and then PLEASE GO HERE to sign the petition to lobby for Better Law for Wildlife in Malaysia.

Animals - both domestic and wildlife - have just about no protection here and the abuse that goes on is beyond terrible. People who commit the abuse against animals suffer very little or no consequences so it is extremely easy for them to get away with immense and frequent cruelty.

Please help to save the lovely animals. Please please sign the petition.

Dolly's night out

2008-10-31T11:38:00.004+08:00

So the evening out was ab ab fab. I mean, really, I was all filled with wonder the whole night long seeing as I haven't been out in a fantastical aaaaggggggge- mainly because there's been a lot going on in my small world/cave and because I'm just too damn lazy. Anything past Bangsar is an adventure all unto itself.

I wore a brand new dress from Beach which is a record-breaker for me. I've never worn anything with so much material all at once. It felt very odd, you know, to feel so decent. Even my mother approved! I was going to make an effort tonight to go out in something other than jeans and Wonder Woman tshirts. I was even going to put on makeup, but as is typical in my life, the makeup pouch was left in the office, so I had to make do with some old cruddy stuff that I dug up from another makeup bag.

Then I was going to put styling stuff in my hair so I don't look like Noddy, but I couldn't find it anywhere. I dropped by parents house before going out and thought that while I was there I would go see if the old man had any good styling stuff. It was all that horrid gel stuff that only people over 50 use. So I had to settle with looking like Noddy.

Okay, so the real secret of going out tonight was to go perve on a boy. Ah but not just any boy! The most beautiful one in all the land! He was hiding behind some drums but I found him! I found him!

I had gone out to this bar the week before with parents for the old girl’s birthday and there was this fantastic bossa nova trio which was just beautiful beautiful beautiful sounds and this absolutely divine looking boy sitting there at the drums. I thought, if only they would dangle that in front of me as a carrot to get to Enlightenment, I’D BE ENLIGHTENED IN A SECOND! Really, if Manjushri decided to pop by earth, he would look like this boy.

So last night I dragged out a poor friend and her husband to go drink wine, listen to more bossa nova and perve on boys at this jazz place. Yay! This has become my new favourite place and I shall be there at least once a week. I intend to become best friends with at least one of the staff there and be so regular that they instantly recognise my voice on the phone when I ring to make a reservation!

The bossa nova trio were on first, followed by another act which was whatever lah, who cares. We got there, squished up on a tiny table and ordered our drinks, after which The Husband almost spilled all his beer on me. He then spent the next half an hour apologising to me even though he hadn’t actually spilled any beer on me. Silly.

Anyway the gig started. Without that boy. And I was all WHERE IS THE BOY? and The Friend was all WHAT! We paid RM40 and the boy isn’t here?!

The two percussionists of the week before had been replaced by a grand piano and a big set of drums. A pianist was a man who looked like he sold duck rice in the day and the drummer was this bad ass looking guy who would have been hot if not for the rotten attitude.

The Friend said, Eh, since your boy isn’t here, at least this drummer also quite cute wat.

I said NO NO NO NO NO. The other one is more beautiful and he has nice, more chiselled features. Wah che, like talking about art.

As the trio played on, The Friend kept saying, Eh not bad wat. He’s cute the drummer! In the absence of the other one I think you should just go for this one lah.

But he had this ugly up-himself smirk on his face the whole way through it and this irritating habit of chewing his gum in a really obvious way. I suddenly had this horrible, horrible thought that he would be one of those guys who just sits all leaning back with his hands behind his head, with this smug righteous look on his face while some girl gives him a blow job.

Ew ew ew

I told The Friend and she looked at me with this really disapproving look. Then she screamed a bit and said Yah you’re right actually.

And five minutes later, Eee yer now I can’t look at him anymore.

Then!

The beautiful boy walked in with his beautiful face and a lovely shirt. He sat down behind The Friend so I told her look – SLOWLY! – at him. Right then the blow-job drummer was doing some schwang solo, scrunching up his face like he was God’s gift to the city.

The Friend screamed just then, EEEEEEEEEE NO LAH The other one is SO MUCH cuter which filled, I’m sure, all the spaces in between drummer boy’s beats that were silent.

I said, OMG! HELLO! I THINK THE GUY UPSTAIRS AT THE BACK DIDN’T HEAR YOU!

The fat old guai lo in the front turned around and gave us a real dirty look. hah.

But after the bossa nova trio finished their set and cleared off the stage, the beautiful boy started moving about with his buddies, setting up for the next act. I was all, Oh! It looks like he’s playing the next set and got very happy.

The Friend and Her Husband finally decided too, that actually he WAS better looking than the blow-job drummer. He looked nicer, he had better features, and The Friend said, He looks like a painting! and we ooh-ed and ahh-ed and felt very young.

The second group was so unexpectedly good it blew us off our seats. I felt bad for being so Oh whatever who cares about it when I first came bceause they were excellent. I mean, you know, objectively speaking. Even without the beautiful boys (yes plural) it was SO GOOD and you all have to come with me when they play again later in Nov. The Husband sat there very still with staring intently at the stage with a very fixed looked on his face. I wondered if it meant he was fascinated or bored, but trying to force himself awake. He said later, If a guy is staring at something like he’s looking at a stripper, it of course means he’s interested lah!

Jamie Aditya, the MTV VJ from Them Days was also there, doing a flashy smashy special guest appearance where he played along with the group for a bit. There were cameras following him around, and panning the room for enthusiastic shots of the audience applauding. This will probably mean that bloated and unflattering footage of me will now end up going out somewhere on some TV when I least expect it. I used to think he was gorgeous, and, as with any boy who’s called Jamie, I run around saying, Oh my god, if I married him, *I’D* be Jamie Aditya. Hah. Up close, he has these fascinating long eyelashes, like an emu. A very pretty celebrity emu.

Not as beautiful, of course, as the Beautiful Boy. I had thought last week that if I wrote a short story about him it might get him out of my system. It didn’t. I all sorts of funny prose running around my head while the gig was on and he was being all lively and energetic and full of general gorgeousness. So I sat and did what I usually hate of writers, which is to scribble all these self-indulgent notes to myself about the shape of the lights in the room and how to describe the background noise in lyrical ways.

After the gig ended, the musicians bounced all around the room air hockey pucks and the audience buzzed about trying to tell them how fantastic they were and how much they loved them. The Friend was so excited she rushed up to the manager and bought their CDs like a Real True Fan. As one of the other drummers passed by our table with a drink, I screamed at him OH MY GOD That was so great! like a crazed fangirl but he was all nice about it, clinked glasses and had a chat. He was also a kind of gorgeousness – the kind that can swash about in flipflops and folded up slacks like a fisherman, and still look good.

We decided to go home, finally, so The Husband went to the bathroom while The Friend and I waited for him near the bar. The Beautiful Boy was standing there drinking water so The Friend hissed very loudly That’s your chance to go tell him how fabulous he is. Go. Now. Go.

If I think someone is remotely attractive, I instantly become this awful pubescent 13-year-old girl again and get all stammer and nervous and forget all my grammar. I faltered and looked around then looked at her helplessly like help-you-know-I-can't-do-that-because-I'm-a-big-chicken but The Friend was hissing in a really violent way, so I thought I’d better go over. NOW!!!! Gooooooooooooo!

I had a wonderful elaborate plan to be all subtle and stylish and casual so I slid next to him in my long slinky dress with lots of decent material and asked the bartender also for a glass of water. I thought that while he fixed the water, I would turn around to the Beautiful Boy in a by-the-way kind of way and say Oh, you guys were fantastic! Really! And gush in a very sophisticated way.

But just then, he turned round and walked away.

The Friend was glaring at me from across the bar with eyes like thunder. But to keep up the sophistication, I had to drink the water lah, like I really wanted to drink tap water because I really was thirsty.

Memang potong stim!!!! I was so mad with that 13-year-old pubescent personality that resided deep within all my split personality(ies).

I shall have to endeavour to say hello. At least. One day. Really. I love to talk so much so I can manage this I think. Really.

It was now 2am and my head was aching from the wine. When you haven’t drunk for ages, one glass floors you completely. (The Friend said, There is a solution to this you know. You just have to drink more and more often! So clever, The Friend).

We went home. I did some complicated file transfer thing with someone 8 hours away in London and had discussions about something I can’t remember anymore. Then I went to bed.

Just as I was falling asleep, I suddenly realised that hey, The Beautiful Boy has this really familiar sort of look about him, like I’ve seen him before. It was 3am at this point and I was exhausted and had to wake up in 4 hours, but it was one of those things which you just have to figure out when you think of it. Like when you need to think of a particular word and won’t rest until you trawl through the whole dictionary to find it. Luckily though I remembered real quick that he looked exactly like this boy Mark, from high school, like 12 years ago (oh gawd, the ageing process is fast and scary).

12 years ago! I was impressed enough that I could remember someone from that long ago and what he looked like. So I HAD to get back online and go through Facebook, find Mark and look at his photos. And yes, yes that’s who it was. A dead ringer for the Beautiful Boy. He’s so good looking he even married a totally beautiful girl – it’s like total beauty karma. I left a manic message on his wall that I found his doppelganger in KL, then went to sleep, contented.

Thursday Night Dolly

2008-10-30T17:58:00.003+08:00

I'm going out tonight for a girls' night out but still feeling more-than-half guilty about it.

We're supposed to be setting up for an exhibition over the weekend so all the KMP elves are heading down to Sunway after 10 to do all the carting back-and-forth of stuff. But but but I'd made these huge plans to go out and I so so so did not want to cancel them.

So I sent this big long pleading grovelling begging message to everyone, please let me know go out tonight and I'll like, volunteer at the exhibition ALLLL WEEKEND
AND
pack up and clear up and cart things back to the office when it ends
AND
clean the office for a month
AND
AND
AND

BUT BUT

if you do still need more hands, please tell me and I will still come to help out.

There's this thing, you see, which I never thought I'd ever get: and that's that responsibility thing. It occured to me that I'm actually starting to see all this - KMP, KH and the whole big family - really as a part of me. Not going to help set up wouldn't actually be such a big deal to anyone else. Before, I would have thought, "Aiyah there's bound to be someone there who will do it" but then after a few years on a spiritual path, I suppose you do start to become a liiiiiiiittle bit more aware about other people and and liiiiiiittle bit less selfish about just fucking off and doing what you want. So I've been thinking thinking thinking 24hoursnonstop about how to make up for really fucking off tonight.

They were all lovely about it. Everyone said, "It's fine. You go ahead with your plans. It's okay wan."

Susan sent a message, "Oh my god you sure are 'trading' in a lot just for one night. haha"

I replied, "Have to have to! Takkan later I kena scolding for being selfish!!!! I don't want to be selfish so I make up for it double double okay. Seriously, is it okay or not?"

She said, "Yes it's okay. haha so funny!"

Okay, so I'm going to have a fabulous night tonight and then I'm going to work my ass, my legs, my liver, my every organ off this weekend at the exhibition. Even if I have to tie all the stock onto the roof of the matchbox car I'm now driving, I'll find a way to clear up the whole exhibition and cart it all back to Bandar Utama!

YouTube Dolly

2008-10-29T00:36:00.002+08:00

I was being very good about taking videos and making video diaries about The Life of a Dharma Princess (except, I am perhaps more Ogre than Princess at the moment) which can be viewed here except that I got inefficient again and soon forgot all about the fact that I even had a YouTube account. Oops sorry.

I was videoing everything on my phone but I think I stopped bothering when the battery in my phone got all burned out and wouldn't last past noon every day. By the time I got a new battery, I'd forgotten that I even had a camera on my phone.

All these excuses, pish!

I think, perhaps, it might be easier to see if I can pilfer some videos off people I know who have been very good about videoing things, and plopping them onto my account. Call it cheating, or pirating, or plagarism or whatever. If it's entertaining, that's all that matters.

And in the meantime, I shall endeavour to be less inefficient and more proactive and snoop about into people's lives with my trusty camera.

A normal Dolly

2008-10-28T23:34:00.003+08:00

Really, I cannot stress how strange it is to be living a normal life. You know, the kind of normal where you get up early in the morning and eat breakfast.

The problem is that by about 5pm I get all sleepy and end up sleeping for 2 hours, flat out on my bed, on the couch in the office, anywhere! (I've been telling myself that for my Good Work of waking up early, doing my sadhana early and getting lots of work done in the day, a nap wouldn't be such a bad reward!)

Rinpoche is still away in Nepal right now so we're all kicking ourselves into high gear to GET OUR ASSES INTO ACTION. I think we must be the only organisation where, when the "CEO" is away, we gotta work doubly hard. Thing is, if we slack off, that might be it. Bye bye to the centre as everything falls apart when the Guru's not around and we don't want that because it'll be all Back To The Shit Farm for us. And for me, that means writing dreadful articles for local publications again. Ohhhhh dear. Ohhhhh no. Ohhhhhh never again.

We spent all day today thrashing out ideas on HOW TO MAKE KMP GLOBAL. We looked at other books by other great Dharma publishers and decided very quickly that their covers were *ahem* Not Quite So Pretty (to put it nicely). So how did they get to where they are? Right on top of Mt Kailash (figuratively speaking)? We want to get there too and out books are going to be even better. So neh neh.

(That's not very Buddhist to start with, I know, but well, we do need something, anything, to kick us up to standard).

Sometimes it seems impossible because there are only two writers and we seem to do everything from editing endless amounts of STUFF (I don't know what else to call it), preparing copy for brochures and posters, to drafting letters, to preparing newsletters. How is there ever time to actually do any proper writing?

We need writers, desperately, now now now now now so if you can string a sentence together and would like to drop everything, move out here and live a fabulously enlightened life with a bunch of dakinis, please get in touch with me!

8.30am Dolly

2008-10-28T00:20:00.002+08:00

Well yes, I finally figured that there was no way I would get out of bed unless I made a proper vow in front of my altar - then there's karma and all that involved, and it's never a good idea to deliberately aggravate your bad karma.

So this morning, I was up by 8am. Well, okay, no, 8.30am. I was awake by 8am but I had some extra dozy dozy time and didn't get out of bed until 8.30am.

And wow! I never knew so much could be done when you wake up early. All those millions of people who wake up early and go to work - wow! It must be a great life.

I did my offerings
and laundry
and my WHOLE SADHANA with bells and everything
and tidied my room
and did all my outstanding work (which was a lot)
and even had time for a nap before going off for puja this evening.

This morning thing is wonderful and I think I'm definitely going to have to do it more often. It feels so..... normal!

8am Dolly

2008-10-27T01:47:00.002+08:00

Since coming back from Nepal, I haven't been able to wake up. I told Shin the other day, "I went to Sleepyland but I got stuck there. The trains broke down so I couldn't get a ride back until er, very late."

Shin and I love going to sleepyland. You can go there any time you know - you just catch a train, and you're there. The trains go to and fro very fast. It's always beautiful there and you can do anything you want. Sometimes, it's so nice, you just never come back. Even when the alarm clock rings, it's very easy to just hit the snooze button and go back to sleepyland again.

This is a problem, of course, because then you just don't get things done and it's not a very productive way of living. And you can't NOT go to sleepyland because it's a bodily necessity. You HAVE to go there, and then you have to find a way to get out, which is proving very difficult.

So I shall have to force my way out of it, no matter how many invitations they send me.

I thought long and hard about how I'd get myself out, and finally, have decided to take a formal vow in front of my altar to wake up before 8am for the next week.

Can you believe it. People make wonderful, big, aspirations: "Dear Buddha, may I transform my mind to embody all your enlightened qualities and gain wisdom and compassion to help all sentient beings; may I learn to let go of my selfish attachments and learn to live for others; may I realise the 6 paramitas and gain enlightenment."

I sat in front of my altar and said, "Dear Buddha, I promise I'll wake up no later than 8am from Monday to Friday. Please help me."

Well, they say that with spiritual practice you have to start where you are. And well, I can't be wishing for world peace when I can't even get out of bed in the morning. Bombs could be going off around me and I wouldn't know. If I vow to wake up early, then at least I could try to do something about the bombs.

So, I shall be up and about early early tomorrow and I have great plans for the day!

Blah Dolly

2008-10-24T18:05:00.002+08:00

I feel like I want to dig a very big hole, fill it with chocolate and pillows, and hide there forever.

Which is really the worst thing to do at the moment, when we should be all up up up and away and doing things and creating our futures. I must be the most lethargic person under 30 in the whole wide world. Sometimes I feel like I literally walk slower than the rest of the world.

I need someone to give me a slap, or threaten to fire me from my job... or something drastic. Except, you can never quite get fired from spiritual practice. You just got to shut up and get on with it, stop with the moaning and all that.

I do feel like my writing's going a bit to shit. Sometimes I can't even speak properly anymore and I've started to make up words that don't exist. Sharon looks at me like I'm mad and then falls off her beanbag laughing at my dreadful Engrish.

They should customise the Refuge vows for me. There's an 11th one - to write a paragraph of something-not-work-related every day, if not you get the karma of a pock-marked face for the next 15 lifetimes. It'll be the only thing to get me moving, because for an aspiring writer, I sure as hell am a lazy, unmotivated one.

Dolly: resurrected

2008-10-20T02:12:00.002+08:00

Well, what d'you know. It's already October. That's three months since I last blogged. Time flies when you're being a busy Dolly.

Aye, yes, this time the absence cannot be attributed to mere laziness anymore. Quite the contrary. In fact, there has been such a HUGE OPUS of stuff happening, I could write a whole 10-part series, turn into to mini tele-series and then make a movie of it. If they had 24-hour cameras on this little life I live, I promise it would make a very lucrative reality show business that would put all that crap on Channel E to shame.

So the other day I was saying to someone, "Aiyo my blog's died. I haven't written in ages."

She asked why.

So I said, "Well actually, there's LOOOOOOOOADS of really really really juicy stuff to write about but I can't post it up publically."

Why not?

Because it's confidential stuff about people lah.

Like what?

Cannot say larrrr! That's why it's confidential, yo!

So that's how it is. My soap opera shall have to remain under wraps until someone offers me a million pounds to sell the story to the Sun or something equally trashy.

Now that things are almost back on track, I was trying to think of ways to force myself to blog regularly. Kena big big lecture last night already from my father about how my creativity is now dampened because most of my writing is in Dharma and not out there in the commercial world. bleah.

If I have to spend any more of my life writing trite articles about politicians, the infinite benefits of a certain lipstick from this certain brand, the many deep, underlying social commentaries of this piece of art, I.
will.
die.

So.

The halfway house between keeping my "creativity" alive and not having to succumb to the evils of commercial writing is to blog. Even if only 11 people are reading it. So what. I'll read it to myself. Many many times. And that will count for more. So there.

Birthday Dolly

2008-07-07T01:23:00.003+08:00

On the up: His Holiness 14th Dalai Lama
On the down: Scum like me

It's been a whole big fabulous week of retreats. I didn't think I'd EVER say this but I have just totally loved it. It's been like a real proper Hogwarts - everyone zooming in on their BMWs and Mercedes Sports (okay, well, only Datin zooms in on that) and shiny new Myvis and doing retreat prayers together.

We managed one million mantras in two evenings!

There's been Kechara House/ retreat centre pujas and KMP pujas so I feel like the holiest little dakini in the world now. There's been prayers every day this past week - morning prayers, evening prayers, in between prayers and trying to be a really little goodie goodie tootsie-roll the rest of the time.

Everything culminated in a wonderful big open lama chopa puja tonight, which is a prayer session that is done towards ALLLLLLLL the Buddhas out there in the big vast enormous universe. It absolutely calls for being on one's best behaviour. You shut your eyes real hard and you pray hard and you think of all the wonderful things you want to accomplish. You will world peace into existence!

So I was all that. Good little compassionate me.

Then right after the prayer, someone came by and pissed me off. Well actually, they didn't really do anything to directly piss me off but all the forever-and-ever pent up pissed-off-ness from forever-and-ever all came out *bang* and I magically turned back into a bitch.

So I spewed out a whole lot of bitchiness, loud enough I'm sure that the Buddha sitting in the furthest corner of the big vast enormous universe could have heard.

All that, RIGHT after I'd just sat there and listened to Rinpoche talk about transforming our minds towards kindness, after I'd recited verses and verses and verses of HOLY prayers, after A WHOLE WEEK of being a little angel.

Obviously, this isn't anyone's fault but my own (not even that person) so I'm feeling very guilty now. Even my croonies, who doesn't like that person either were very disappointed in me for being such a monster.

OM om om om om om OM

I'm going to do a protector puja now to atone for the nastiness though I think that the protectors will be more like to club me with their cudgels than to send me rainbow rays of sympathy.

Lambasted Part 2

2008-07-04T03:04:00.002+08:00

He has since removed EVERYTHING from his YouTube profile .... which as far as I'm concerned only goes to prove that it really was him and he really is guilty of posting such immature comments.

What a fucking coward.

Lambasted Dolly

2008-07-03T08:08:00.003+08:00

On the up: Feedback
On the down: Stupid people

Oh dear! This is rather funny.

After this was posted on YouTube, someone posted a really low blow smitchy (and rather irrelevant) comment about my bad fashion sense and my bad hair cut.

So, because I have a little bit of a brain, I decided to go investigate. You see, it's very easy these days what with hyperlinks and clicking on them with a mouse to get to someone's profile.

Then, because I went to school and got a degree and all that, I am somehow able to put two and two together, and figure out within all of 15 seconds that it was Ben (yes, that one - and you all know who!).

Honestly, the only thing worse than posting negative comments (which by the way, don't seem to have anything to do with the topic of the video itself) is being too gormless to even
do it properly without being identified.

Yes yes, I do have a bad haircut (and it's actually even worse now after another cut but hey, it's just hair, it'll grow back) and yes, on second thought, the orange wrap looks a bit like a bad stocking.

But then again, the video isn't about my bad fashion sense (which has already been established long ago) but about KSK. So really, I don't care if I look like Quasimodo's elder sister, as long the message gets out there.

Honestly, if someone's going to be insulting, they should at least do it with a bit more intelligence and creativity!

Retreat Dolly

2008-07-03T07:53:00.003+08:00

On the up: Retreats
On the down: Falling asleep during mantra recitation

This is a whole big fat week of pujas, non stop. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday. I don't think I've ever recited so many prayers my whole life - I'll be creating about as much merit this week as I have in the past 10 lifetimes.

Anyway, I surprise myself because I'm just loving it so much.

We've been doing a massive Black Manjushri retreat with over 100 people aiming to complete 1 million mantras. We're already more than halfway through, after only one session so everybody is feeling mighty smug about themselves. (I do wonder, however, if I would be quite so excited if I was assigned to do all those 1 million all by myself; it's very exciting and fun and easy peasy lemon squeezy when there's over 100 other people doing it with to finish it within a week).

KMP's also doing a whole set of its own mini pujas for our new building, so there's been those slotted in between the Black Manjushri sessions.

I feel like the holiest person in the world. I have a halo coming out of head.... in fact, TWO halos, one coming out from each ear!

Anyway I'm knackered, off to bed zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (the added bonus of pujas is that it gives you tons of energy so you don't have to sleep OR when you do sleep, it's the most wonderful sleep you'd ever had zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Anal Retentive Dolly

2008-07-01T12:45:00.002+08:00

On the up: Grammar
On the down: Bad grammar!!!!

I don't think I know anyone else as anally retentive about grammar as I am.

Yesterday, I was chucking a wobble at someone over MSN about bad, sloppy work (again). I was getting so wound up and irritated that I finally said, "I don't want to talk to you anymore. Goodbye."

I left to go celebrate Joe's birthday (chocolate birthday cake is a much happier way of dealing with the stresses of incompetent staff).

When I came back a few hours later, there was a reply, which said, "So do I" which made me irritated all over again.

"So do I", complete with all its immaturity and rudeness of talking is bad enough. But I think what really got my goat was the horrible, incorrect phrasing of "So do I" (when really it should have been "Neither do I"). I think that irritated me more than all the sloppy work, the irresponsibility, the carelessness and the rudeness put together.

Interview Dolly

2008-06-26T17:01:00.002+08:00

On the up: TELEVISION!
On the down: Speaking with a plum in my mouth

Ooooh I love television. The pinnacle of it would of course to be on TalkAsia, Oprah Winfrey, Parkinsons and Graham Norton (well, that tells a lot about my aspirations in life, doesn't it) but for now local television will have to do.

See it all here:

Patience

2008-06-26T15:40:00.003+08:00

On the up: Intelligence
On the down: Stupid people

I'm having a real problem with people who ask stupid questions and give in sloppy work.

I
CAN'T
STAND
IT

I have just sent out an email to say "XYZ will happen. So if you wish to be involved, please do ABC"

And the very next day, someone sends me an email to ask, "If I would like for XYZ to happen, do I do ABC?"

So then I explained the process again. "If you wish to be involved in XYZ, then please do ABC."

And then, would you believe it, she asked, "So if I do ABC, then will XYZ happen?"

OH MY GOD.

Contemplative Dolly

2008-06-02T18:34:00.002+08:00

On the up: Contemplation
On the down: Why being on a spiritual path is so difficult

You know, you always think you're alright, that it's enough to just be "a good person". To all those people who think they are their own "teachers" and that nobody can tell them what to do on the path to enlightenment except themselves - well, it's just not true!

I also used to think that nobody knows you better than yourself and you know what your limits are, what your weaknesses and strengths are, what you need to do or not do. Like I said, you always think you're alright.

But I'm finding out more and more how much of a traitor my mind is being to me and how it likes to meander and justify and explain things away to itself endlessly. So of course it's okay if you're telling yourself and believing it is. You're also okay if you want to stay at that level forever. Of course you're alright! You're doing just fine now, aren't you? But if you are in the pursuit of something more, something higher, something more beneficial and enlightening then you're not just going to want to stay right where you are. And unless you're already a Bodhisattva, you'll need someone to push you up the next level - you can't do it alone if you can't really see yourself.

Recently, Rinpoche has been pressing my buttons - you "hire" a Guru to do that, after all. You "hire" them to assasinate your ego by showing you exactly as you are - something that you can never really honestly do to yourself (not at this stage anyway). It's like how you never really know what your face actually looks like; you only ever see it reflected in a mirror or in a picture. The Guru, like the mirror, shows you all the nasty spots and the glaring zit right in the middle of your face.

Rinpoche's been catching me out on this one particular weakness - one which I'd always sort-of acknowledged but never really thought of. See, like the rest of the planet, I always thought I was okay, that I wasn't really a bad person. Rinpoche isn't saying I'm a bad person, but the endless joking about this one particular achilles heel is making me realise that well, if it's there, it has the potential to grow - and before I know it, I'll end up like those "bad people" I have great disdain for, for their ridiculous behaviour.

To everyone else, it really does just seem like a joke or another of the Guru's wild passing comments; but you know how much it actually applies to you by how much it hurts to hear it, even in jest.

Then you struggle with what seems like a never-ending conflict. You think "Am I really that bad?" and you find ways to defend your behaviour, to tell yourself that you really are okay. You think nobody knows you better than yourself. Your mind plays tricks again.

Suddenly, I've been thinking a lot more about my mind and the way it reacts to things - when you're all quiet in your head and you think about the glare that comes from your Guru's direct comments you realise soon enough that it's as true as he's pointed out. The hardest part is realising that all the joking and all the pointed comments aren't just comments; that they're just the exact reflection of how you actually are... or where you're headed if you keep up that way.

The scariest thing about the whole process is also realising how you'd continue to just be that way - and get "better" at strengthening and rehabituating your little flaws - if it hadn't been pointed out to you. You see that you're not quite so alright after all - and that's the most disgusting part of the game.

Procrastination

2008-06-02T00:14:00.002+08:00

On the up: Achieving something
On the down: Procrastination

I wish I would just finish what I have to do with my book and send it to the designers.

BUT I JUST CAN'T!

I do everything else but. Like obsess about Higgins' tank, and mop the floor, and do my sadhana very slowly, and move furniture around, and hang up photos on my bedroom wall and obsess about Higgins some more and write blogs and watch Graham Norton videos on YouTube.

On the up though, am feelin very stupidly fantastically happy today. It's an odd feeling, given the sort of slump and moochiness of late, but hey, enjoy it while it lasts!

Healthy Dolly

2008-05-29T22:13:00.002+08:00

On the up: Good health
On the down: The sheer enormous effort to maintain it

I just have to blog this because I am feeling so very very YSG.

First of all, I made my way to the gym and joined a BodyStep class. Stop laughing. I made it through the whole 12 tracks o-kay!!

Then then then, I came home and prepared the healthiest dinner in the world - fruit salad, greek yoghurt and a drizzle of honey.

I'm feeling so healthy I make myself sick. I think I'll need some chocolate to balance all this out.

Dolly keeps secrets

2008-05-25T01:35:00.002+08:00

On the up: Gossip
On the down: Not being able to spill the beans

Oh there's all this exciting stuff I want to write about but but but if I'm afraid that if I do, JP might put frogs in my bed and pee into my drink when I'm not looking.

GAH.

So I shall talk about my fish instead.

Shin came round to look at the fish this afternoon. I went off to do stuff, and after a very long while, I heard her shout, "Eh how come only got two of the small ones?"

I said, "I think he's hiding in the rock kua."

She said, "No wor, I can't see him anywhere."

So I went and looked.

And looked and looked and looked.

And even lifted up the rock to see if he got stuck somewhere. He wasn't anywhere. And there's only so many places you can hide in a big empty tank.

So I think Henry Higgins has eaten him. It's only been a day and already there is drama. See, even fish have politics.

I'm also very annoyed because I had cleverly named the three little fish Bret, Easton and Ellis and now Bret has been eaten so the naming system doesn't really work anymore.

I made sure to shout very loudly at Higgins, though I don't think fish really take to praise or scoldings at all.

Oh dear, I'm becoming rather addicted and obsessive about my fish. It's like I'm turning into one of those annoying people who have children and suddenly, all they talk about is their kids.

Relocating Dolly?

2008-05-24T02:04:00.004+08:00

On the up: Change

On the down: The tediousness of moving

I've been thinking about reinventing and relocating Dolly Blog. Shed my pink skin a bit.

See, when I started this blog, I was very Dolly - like all 7 kilos lighter, great hair (by Mike the most fabulous hairdresser in the world) and living a very artificial-sweetener sort of life.

Now, I'm 7 kilos heavier and more like a beanbag than a Dolly; and Life-As-I-Know-It has sort of evolved and become about a lot more than just going to bars and drinking martinis (although I still love it).

I seem to have outgrown the Dolly thing (finally, we can't be playing with plastic Mattels forever) and after the video and all that, the Dharma Princess label thing has stuck and developed a whole new personality of its own (of the many that I have all living inside me). That whole image thing even made it as the lead picture of an article in a Chinese magazine. This image:

Hehe I'm very proud of this because it really sums up what Rinpoche's teachings, KH and the Dharma Princess is all about - keeping to who you are on the outside (loud, obnoxious, contemporary, unconventional, fat, questionable fashion sense) but being spiritual on the inside, and I feel like that's more of what I'm about these days.

So. Perhaps Dolly Blog shall have to retire and make way for a new improved me!

RTM Dolly

2008-05-24T01:27:00.002+08:00

On the up: Television and KSK
On the down: Homelessness

I'm starting to get used to this television thing! I'm feeling all so au naturel about it. It's rather lovely being a sort-of starlet for the day for a good reason.

Sharon the fish, Nana Tan the smallest girl in the world (really. she fits in a thimble) and I got out of bed at an ungodly hour this morning and made our way to RTM, to be interviewed on their breakfast show, Hello on 2.

It was so damn early - who wakes up that early, yo! But wow, really, there's like a WHOLE NEW WORLD out there at 7 in the morning. Who knew! It's fascinating.

We had to go to the guardhouse to get visitor passes and the dude asked me in malay what I was here for. So I stupidly said in my very bad Malay, "RTM lah!"

He looked at me like I was very plainly an idiot (which I often am, before 8am). Like d'oh. There's only a whole building dedicated to it. "Ya lah, RTM! Rancangan apa?"

What the hell is a rancangan?

I screamed, "NANAAAAAAAAA What is he saying?!"

Fortunately, that was all the Malay I had to deal with. The show was in English and the hosts were super trooper. Angie, one of the hosts, was wearing the most lovely swirly dress that made me feel dizzy in a happy morning sort of way.

We were being interviewed about Kechara Soup Kitchen which is made up of angels, truly, and who do the most fantastic work, EVER. I've only volunteered a few times because a) there's always something on Saturday so I can't go or b) I forgot or c) I'm a princess and would rather be doing something spoilt.

BUT really, these folks go out every single Saturday come rain, shine, political rallies, traffic jams to distribute food to homeless people all over the city centre. They're distributing 250 packets of food by food - no small feat I tell yah and I tip my shiny beret to them. I can barely manage my comfortable cushy life of working from a laptop, least of all trekking through the rats in Pudu Market every weekend.

The few times I've been have been extremely warming experiences though - the people and the life we meet out there will shock, sadden and make you realise that REALLY, there is nothing for us to bitch about.

So. Finally I have a chance to put my big mouth to some use - I managed to talk about it chat chat chat on national television huzzah and hopefully it will inspire something in the people watching.

It'll be up on YouTube as soon as we do a whole lot of complicated technical stuff to the recording so you can see see seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Lazy, inefficient Dolly

2008-05-23T01:49:00.002+08:00

On the up: Fish!
On the down: White spots

Isn't it ridiculous how long I haven't blogged for. Yes, yes, ridiculous, I know I know.

I would say I'm busy, which is half true since I have been rushed crazy off my feet. But it's also half not true because I'm just lazy, inefficient and unmotivated to write about Life-In-General.

Oh, and there's also the thing about lots of very exciting things happening which I can't actually talk about - that thing about being in the public eye and all that. Meh. So you'll have to use your imagination for that.

The biggest news though is that I'm now the proud mother of a FISH! I adopted Henry Higgins away from a tank where he was being attacked by snobby parrot fish. They're totally adorable, totally Dolly-like, cute, flirty fish, but they're also a bit like the mean girls in the movie of the same name and they were MEAN MEAN MEAN to Higgins!

So at 4 in the morning, a few nights ago, we decided to go rescue him, set up a tank in Drakpa House and move him there.

And now he's very, very happy!

I don't know how it is that I've become so very attached to a little ugly fish when I only met him 2 days ago!

The Breakfast Dolly

2008-05-07T01:59:00.002+08:00

On the up: Television fame
On the down: Putting on 10 pounds on telly

Ooooh I keep forgetting to blog this.

Looky looky! Dolly and Dory made it onto NTV7's The Breakfast Show for the launch of our pretty new book, If not now, when? (plug plug)

Go see go see!!!!

Sleep Dolly

2008-05-06T22:11:00.002+08:00

On the up: Sleep
On the down: Not having enough

I don't think I've ever had such an emotional week. The last week has felt like a train wreck... but there is just way too much to go on here, especially since most of it is confidential. I spent all of Thursday night crying and crying and crying and crying though - and then I screamed out my lungs at someone in a way that would have shocked even Dzambala (yes yes, I was screaming profanities in the middle of a chapel).

But okay, let's not get too dramatic. The point is to learn from mistakes and move on etc.

So darlings, shut up and drive!

On a happier note, I have a lovely new housemate! One that is responsible enough to pay the rent on time, no less: that's all a girl can ask for in a housemate!

JP used to be in the bedroom next to mine, that shared the linking bathroom, but we kept scaring each other in the middle of the night and he can't tahan the risk of running into me half starkus again so he's moved out to the other room. Oh dear.

Since moving in, I've sort of had the luxury of having the whole big wide house to myself so I've sort of taken over it and done what I like with it. Every corner of the house has something "me" in it - my living room, my altar, my desk, my collection of oranges in the fridge.

And now, there's two people who are actually moving in proper so I'm going to have to allocate space for them now. Pish, and after all that hard work of taking over the house like a squirrel hah!

Anyway, now that it's a proper house, with proper people living in it, there's enough reason to throw a proper housewarming! And everyone's invited as long as you bring some oranges for the Taras.

Writerly Dolly (or trying to be)

2008-04-29T12:18:00.002+08:00

On the up: Good writing
On the down: Half-arsed writers

Okay, I have a new very secret, highly advanced tantric practice. If I manage to attain this practice, I WILL BE ENLIGHTENED and get a lotus all to myself.

And that is? Dealing with really half-arsed, lazy writers who seem far more passionate about picking their noses than about their writing.

It is an incessant, non-stop, tiresome, exhausting uphill struggle trying to get them to write properly.

I'm not talking about eloquent, stunning thesis to change the course of writing forever! I'm talking about just writing like you care about the subject you're writing about and you care about your poor dear reader who has to read your badly written article that's full of grammatical and spelling errors.

I'm also not talking about a cheap ass blog, where it doesn't matter if anyone reads it or not. This is Dharma writing, which brings spirituality out to people and could potentially inspire them onwards to find their own spiritual path, and HAPPINESS!

In the long run, you're meddling with people's happiness! And they still don't care enough to do a spell check or write as if they were actually at the event.

I've run writing workshops.
Sharon and I have edited their writing down to the minutest detail and sent it back to them to study.
We've sat down with them and gone through their work to point out what they need to improve or change.

And yet?

Still the same old drivel coming through.

Then leh, people are telling me, "Eh you know ar, your writeups need to have more Dharma explanations in it. And it should be more personal you know. Tell your writers lah!"

At which point, I just look at them and *blink blink*

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Time lag Dolly

2008-04-28T01:06:00.002+08:00

On the up: Being active
On the down: How time flies!

Really, it's ridiculous how time flies!

Sorry for not writing in ages. I've entered a sort of weird time lapse where it all feels like one very long day when it fact a whole week has passed.

The whole has been spent on coming up with branding strategies. Like, what the hell do any of us know about branding?!?! But when you have to do it, you will do it, and somehow you'll wrangle the knowledge out of someone, somewhere, somehow.

We nicked everything off a branding presentation from very prestigious brand of spirits.

And ta da! Came up with our own.

Odd, perhaps, to be "branding" a Buddha / Tibetan Lama but when you have over 12 departments and many, many people running around talking to the world, you sure sure sure better make sure your communication goes out the same, and everyone talks the same "brand."

If not, someone say Rinpoche is American
Another says Rinpoche is Taiwanese

Then some clever person says he's an old man
Another one says he's super young

Somebody else says he's blonde
And his friend says he's actually German.

Then how?

Sounds silly, but it does happen.... so we've idiotproofed it for ourselves.

Then, there is also trying to finish my never ending book. This time really no more excuses since the sponsors are asking, "OI WHERE IS IT ALREADY?!" meh! Another 79 pages to proofread, and I swear every time I read it, there's another million changes.

Then, there is trying to find a designer to design the book... and nobody quite understands what we want yet. Oh dear.

I am, in the midst of all the busy-ness, trying a return to proper food and proper eating. This means no running out to MacDonalds (no matter how hungry I am!) and eating proper meals (what? no random biscuit/milkshake / chocolate runs in the middle of the day?!)

And man, this is the toughest part of the week. The no-snack thing is enough to kill a girl, yo! I've been sooooo YSG that I've even resorted to eating oats again and drinking copious amounts of good old water... which means I am running to the toilet every half an hour - not terribly good for productivity.

But well. it makes my skin nice and it shall hopefully flush out all the nasty toxins floating about my insides.

After many many months of resisting from succumbing into that generation of very corporate N series Nokia phones, I've also finally traded in my very tired phone for a proper grown up one. The only rubbish thing about it is its crazppy alarm "snooze time" which means now I only get an extra 5 minutes of snooze instead of 10. Other than that, I can finally type an SMS without having an anxiety attack that it will die on me halfway through - and that sure is worth sacrificing 5 minutes of sleep for.

I realise I'm also way way way behind on posting up photos - I just remember I haven't even put up the wedding photos yet!!! arg! I'm going to have to steal them off Joy's facebook and post them up soooooon.

Lots of things to do then...
which requires energy....
which requires sleep....
so bye bye then
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Weekend Dolly

2008-04-19T23:35:00.004+08:00

On the up: Weekends
On the down: Not being able to tell the difference between weekdays and weekends

I'm wondering if anyone is still reading dollyblog.....

The weekends and weekdays have turned into a giant blur because there's so much going on all the time. And I'm such a bloody control freak that I end up having a part in everything, which means I'm at almost every event, ever planned.

This morning, was a mad combination between finding food for Rinpoche (because he is now, apparently eating only cup noodles?!), fine tuning a communications strategy, setting up for an event at KH and trying to get refreshments for the event.

Thank god for money, I tell ya - all is possible with little shiny paper money.

Seriously, this is so snob, I know, but I just COULDN'T BE POOR!

I'm also incredibly, terribly, ridiculous excited about the fact that I have internet at home again so I don't have to squat in KMP at all sorts of weird hours just to send out an email. It's not even wireless so I'm chained to my desk but that's FINE! AT LEAST I HAVE IT!

And on Monday, I get a fridge, which provides yet another big rush of excitement, to be followed by a whole week of feeling incredibly happy.

This means I can finally keep proper food at home instead of just drinking water and eating individually foil-wrapped chocolates (to keep away the ants). Maybe it's not too late for me to remind myself of what fruit actually is.

Dolly Prostrations

2008-04-14T18:37:00.002+08:00

On the up: Prostration retreats
On the down: Exhaustion

Eventually, I *will* complete 100,000 prostrations. For now, I'm just trying to get through 100 without feeling like my heart is about to implode.

What with David monkey doing 200 every day at KMP, I felt all inspired! energetic! raring to go!

(It's also terribly unfair that he only did them for a week and already he's thinner - I hate boys' ability to slim down so quick)

So today, I even bought my mat to work and just finished 50... and now feel like my heart is about to splatter all over my laptop! Evidently, I have a very long way to go before I am as fit as the eel-like pilgrims of Tibet who slide up and down their prostration boards like they're made of taffy.

Also, okay, okay, I confess that my motivation isn't entirely about gaining Bodhicitta and Enlightenment and emptiness. It is also a form of exercise because
a) I'm fed up being a blob
b) I saw all the cellulite on my thighs yesterday and had a fright
c) it can't be healthy sitting all day in the office without moving
d) there isn't time to drive back and forth to the gym

So. Hopefully there shall be some physical benefit and lots of spiritual gain. And soon I shall look fit and beautiful and spiritual enough to prance about a podium like good old naked red Vajrayogini.

Absent Dolly

2008-04-14T13:03:00.002+08:00

On the up: Being in the present
On the down: Monkey minds

Oh dear, another long day of irresponsible towards my blog.

(This is only funny when said like Julie - here - which throws up many disturbed discussions about the phenomenon of masking and zentai and all manner of weird things... but okay, for now, Julie is KMP's new mascot and I've been going around all day, every day saying, "Oh dear!" because it just doesn't stop being funny).

Finally, the madness abates, somewhat, and there is time to just sit and work and write. Right now, I'm dreading looking at the list of things to be done. If I choose to live in blissful ignorance, then the list is manageable enough so we shall keep it that way. Somehow, some way, I manage to get things done, and that's all that's important.

AND OH! Dolly made it onto television on NTV 7's breakfast show wheeeeee! Video shall go up shortly when we get it sorted out into a nice and easy, clickable format (right now it's on an old beat up VHS tape)

Right now, am writing an art article that I know absolutely nothing about - all about the techniques of painting and all that, which I know about as much of as a monkey would about post-modern theories. Luckily for me, I have thumbs though, so I can type something vaguely coherent and make it look like I know something about something.

Usually, that works too - recently people have been sending me nice SMSes to tell me how "well I wrote" an art article about some exhibition or other going on in their galleries. I feel like asking them if they actually understand what I wrote, because I sure as hell don't.

But well, we shan't complain. It brings in money and there are Tsongkhapas to pay for and butterlamps to sponsor - so for the sake of ALLLL sentient beings throughout space and all 10 directions, I shall continue pretending I am intellectual, an excellent writer and extremely well-versed in the arts. (no, stop it! it's not lying!)

Dolly HEART KMP

2008-04-08T20:44:00.002+08:00

On the up: KMP KMP KMP KMP
On the down: Not having enough people (and it's difficult to emanate)

KMP made its very own special lovely video!!!

Then after we had all pranced about trying to look bootiful and sound intelligent, poor YinYin had to edit it all down into 6 minutes. Clever Clever Yin Yin.

With the exception of poor JJ, who looks exceptionally tired (in all the ways) in the video

So... lookie lookie!!!! (Then please go to YouTube and tell everyone how much you love us. Love love love!)

Excited Head-rush Dolly

2008-04-04T00:55:00.002+08:00

On the up: Book parties!
On the down: Bad speeches

I'm still so excited about the HUGE SUCCESSSSSSSS of our two parties (and those of you who didn't want an invite, TOO BAD!)

It was fabulous, glamourous, celebrity-filled and attended by all my most favourite people in the world. And I did my first ever important Talking In Public. The first time, it went wonderfully; the second, I wanted the world to just open, bite me in and swallow.

And it was all about Enlightenment too so we got good merit and happy karma for partying it up!

Details later. It's been a non stop week of 5am bedtimes, 9am wake-up times and last-minute running, screaming, heart-palpitating nerves.

Finally. I can go to bed now.

Desperate Dolly

2008-03-29T03:52:00.003+08:00

On the up: SEX!
On the down: Dry spells

It's late. And we're still sitting in KMP's conference room preparing for the book launch. In a bid to fight off the MacDonalds curse that surrounds me, I'm drinking Raspberry and Echinacea tea.

But you know how it is when you're going a little loony and start blubbering nonsense in the middle of the night.

I screamed at James, "Aiyo I need to have some sex lah"

He said, "Ya hor. Okay, let's go clubbing soon."

I said, "But what's the point lah. I don't want the people at your clubs; you don't want the people at my clubs."

He said, "Okay what!"

I said, "But cannot sleep with them what, what's the point!"

He said, in his princess way, "Can what! You can still sleep next to them and DIY lor!"

I said, "But I can just DIY myself at home wat!"

He said, "No wat. But can still be quite nice - you got leng jai next to you wat!"

And you know what, I even considered it for a second.

Tired Dolly

2008-03-27T22:57:00.002+08:00

On the up: Energy
On the down: Exhaustion

There is something in me that is feeling very tired today. I even made it late to an interview because I couldn't drag myself out of bed. It's a good thing I did in the end though, because I got to watch a fascinating video about a lady dancing on butter.

Went into the city, and back, which is always a very tiring ordeal.

Then as if that wasn't enough, I decided that my samsara would be much happier if I had a white handbag so I traipsed all over Bangsar in my new high heeled pumps looking for one.

And I tell you what - there ain't no workout like walking in high heeled pumps. I'm shattered and I didn't even find the white handbag.

I think everyone is feeling exhausted. There's so much to do and only so many hours in a day.

Today, darling beautiful lovely Joe told me and JP that these days, he feels like he's degenerating, that he feels old.

JP said to him, "That's what you get when you enter your thirties."

So just for a little while, I felt smug about being only a youthful 26. I said to JP with a smirk, "Well yes, you *are* speaking from experience after all!"

The conversation continued later again about how people felt like they were getting old and tired. I told JP, "You better be careful, if not soon you're going to look like a raisin."

He huffed, "Well.... well! If I'm a raisin, you're a prune! At least I'm small and green and cute!"

Really, we will grasp on to whatever it takes to make ourselves feel more beautiful. And yes, raisins are prettier than prunes, after all.

A while back, Ruby said to me, all sympathy, "You have eye bags now."

I told her I knew already; one day, when I stepped out of the shower and glanced at the steamed-up mirror, I completely scared myself when I saw two really dark, scary, ugly eyes emerging from behind the steam. They were just my own eyes of course, but man, they scared me.

And well, a girl sure feels her age catching up to her when he own eyebags scare her in the middle of the night!!! Time for an early night tonight then, ta ta

Dolly can be too keen

2008-03-26T22:35:00.003+08:00

On the up: Enthusiasm
On the down: Carelessness

Sometimes there is such a thing as being too keen!

Lovely Daphne from The Star invited me to a Poetry Slam thing and I was so excited and keeeeeeen and psyched to go that I even ditched a dinner-with-the-girls early to drive allllllllllll the way into town to The Loft @ Zouk to go.

I was mighty mighty pleased with myself. I even paid the daylight robbery charge of RM20 to get my car valet parked so I don't have to park at that uber dodgy carpark across the road and risk my life crossing Jalan Ampang.

Then.

I found out that
The
Loft
Was
Closed
Today

There was nobody there and it looked way too mightly empty at Zouk for a Wednesday night.

I stomped back to my car, just as the dude was parking in a prime spot right in front. I wanted my RM20 back since I was going now and didn't actually park the car. But no, cannot. So all those dudes get damn good RM20 kopi money from me for driving my car once around the tiny shrub of plants.

But heck, I made all the effort already so I figured I may as well make the most of being in town. It was either that, or back to staring at KMP's conference room wall. So I trolleyed my way down to Palate Palette and finished my press kit there.

I ALSO checked the Facebook event page to see what the hell was up with this non-existent Poetry Slam. And discovered that it was for 26 APRIL. *smack*

If not now, when? THE party

2008-03-25T16:24:00.003+08:00

The book is out,
it's beautiful
everyone loves it

and we're going to celebrate just how much we all love it!!!!

There's a big fat happy party on April 2, hosted by Sharon, me and KMP and we want EVERYONE WHO'S ANYONE to come!!!!

BUT places are limited and invitations are rather exclusive.....

So contact me to get your very own invite NOW NOW NOW dollyblog AT yahoo DOT com

Come come come - got cute door pressies and everything!

Is it wrong

2008-03-25T00:21:00.002+08:00

Is it very wrong to have all these illicit fantasies about the people you work with?

Okay, not wrong, but perhaps a bit awkward when you actually need to go talk to them about proper stuff and you can't stop yourself from stuttering from nervousness.

I really should take a break from myself.

Fit, green Dolly

2008-03-24T23:27:00.003+08:00

On the up: Feeling fit
On the down: People fitter than you!

I have pictures! (finally after a very long spell).

Because we never, EVER meet up and see each other only during the very occasional, very rare BodyStep launch, we FORCED each other to stay back for lunch after the launch on Sunday.

And of course, this means that we HAVE to take photos because we are posers (all BodySteppers are a little bit posery, otherwise we wouldn't be in BodyStep!). Photos are also a good thing because after about six months of not seeing each other, there's something to remind us of what everyone actually looks like.

The MINUTE we sat down, Teoh took out his fancy phone and took CLOSE UP photos of all of us to attach to our contacts - so everytime we call him our ugly mugs will show up... so I will not be calling him in a while.

Then, we noticed that all the boys were wearing traffic colour colours! (or Starburst sweeties)

So
Damn
Cute

Later, because I was so very pleased with my bright new green top AND doubly doubly pleased that someone else was also wearing the same lurid colour, I had to take a photo of us channelling Green Taras/Granny Smith apples.

Ok usually, I hate cheesy group pictures - the kind they put up on mantelpieces or around your wake when you die to remind the world of what a smiling, happy person you were when you were alive. Eewwww.

But this one has to go in only because I think my hair looks cute in it. (I said my HAIR, not ME okay, so stop throwing rocks at me)

I was feeling very, very, very extremely fit and healthy and worked out like never before after all that stepping. In fact, one day later and I'm still feeling extremely fit and healthy and worked out like never before because my arms hurt like the end of the world.

Anyway, so I was terribly extremely YSG and ordered salad for lunch to do the whole wonderful detox, purification, clean, fit, healthy thing. Doesn't really work of course, because I had MacDonalds for lunch today.

The thing is of course, you can never truly feel that fit when you're having lunch with two veteran bodystep instructors. Peh. I couldn't help but notice, from my place next to the instructor's stage, that Teoh's legs look like they're made of plastic - this is probably because I haven't seen legs-with-muscle in a while, seeing as mine are now more akin to Japanese tofu. It was totally WOW. It was really almost, almost like Spiderman. (Okay, so I'm just a perve looking at instructors' legs instead of concentrating on the work).

That said, tomorrow morning shall find me at the gym, in my own bid to achieve Wonder Woman's thighs.

Well, that is, if I can wake up.

Bodystep Dolly

2008-03-23T16:25:00.002+08:00

On the up: Bodystep!
On the down: Low levels of fitness

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

The Bodystep Bunny is back to bouncing about a step board.... Not with quite as much gusto as before, but heck, what can you expect after 2 years of being out of action.

Dug myself early early out of bed today to go to Steven's BodyStep launch at The Curve. I'm so mighty proud of getting out of bed for exercise - that's half the battle won really. The next half is actually to survive the hour.

But my two favourite BodyStep boys, Steven and Teoh, were on stage instructing today so die die I had to make it there and look presentable. I haven't seen them in AGES!

Dollyface Lannie came too. I don't know what she's been doing, but she is looking more and more like a Porcelain Dolly and/or like a precious Chinese princess from the mountains. She is so Wen Cheng!

Anyway, just so my legs don't internally implode on their nerves, I set my board to the lowest step and channeled an 80-year-old woman in my attempts to step safe and soft.

Track 1, 2, 3, 4 I was all okay.

By the time we got to track 6, I thought
I
was
going
to
die

I stopped bothering, and took all the easy options instead. Even Lannie stopped bothering. We just did whatever. We didn't even care anymore if people thought we were wusses. Even the half-arsed arm lifts and stepping was a HUGE exertion!

When I got to track 10, I wondered all the way through the agony how it is I used to do it at a 110% energy level, on a high board level and even have energy to whoop and be happy about it!

Heck, I used to go through all that, and then go straight to BodyCombat/Yoga/Swimming after that. Now leh... track six already want to pengsan and curl up on the workout mats and go to sleep!

I hate being unfit!

But just you watch, BodyStep Bunnies are not BodyStep Bunnies for nothing. I'll be back in action all too soon, and the cute little midriff Nike tops shall be brought out from the back of the wardrobe again :)

YSG Dolly

2008-03-23T15:48:00.003+08:00

On the up: World Peace
On the down: Not finding it

I can't believe how Goody Goody gum drops I'm being here, editing my book on a Sunday afternoon.

JJ said to me, "Oh YSG!!! (You're So Good)"

I said, "It's not YSG anymore! It's at the ISN now! It's So Necessary!"

I'm even listening to very holy Lama Chenmo music to guilt trip myself into doing work. It's like "What Guru Devotion yo! If you're just sitting here looking at Facebook for hours instead of editing a book that was due July last year!"

I'm almost done, I'm almost done, I'm almost done.

Shoes

2008-03-20T23:54:00.003+08:00

On the up: Black peep-toe pumps
On the down: Paying shitloads for them

Okay, see, I have these black pointy pumps that are the most beautiful super sleek black pair of shoes you'll see. I think I'd even venture to say that are my most favourite black object.

BUT, because they're just so pretty and special, they can't really just be worn out for things like work.

So a girl needs NEW, and slightly more casual black shoes to go with her new grown up chief-editor wardrobe.

I've been going EVERYWHERE to look for shoes and nothing nothing nothing fits the bill. They're all
- too high
- too uncomfortable
- too tacky
- have ugly heels
- made of obviously cheap material
- adorned with seriously disgusting baubles and jangly things

I was starting to give up this search for elusive shoes when today...

... I found them! Exactly what I want! And just where did I find these Holy Grail shoes?

BATA!

But see, even though I'm a big snob, I'm not afraid to be a pleb too. The high/low culture is much more fun and has much more personality. To be truly fashionable is not to be afraid to be "cheap" when necessary. Sometimes the best finds are the cheapest.

So I strode into the shop, tried them on, bought them, and then ran around 1Utama proudly display my BATA plastic bag! Just you wait til you see them, they're just so pretteeeeee!

Dolly is scared of Ah Longs

2008-03-20T23:41:00.002+08:00

On the up: Friendly bank loans
On the down: Scary ah lonsg with parangs

Vera dragged me out of my little hole and got me out to watch a movie with her and ed last night. Just for laughs, and because there's nothing like good old local humour, we went to see Ah Long Pte Ltd, by Jack Neo.

Ooooh it was so gooood - I'm such a sucker for bad corny S'porean/M'sian humour and teary corny social messages about the good and bad of the world.

I was also totally horrified by the reality of Ah Longs and what they really do to people.

Aiyo, if I tell someone off and show a black face I feel guilty about it rest of the day and the whole night and the whole of next day. I just cannot cannot cannot understand how people can just go beat up some dude in front of his family with a big fat giant parang and feel quite okay about it.

Vera and I hid behind our popcorn to shielf away all the fake blood spurting about all over the movie. Cringe cringe.

Right at the end, when we were feeling all Hallmark-touched and happy, and shaken to the core by those good wholesome Jack Neo life values, Vera bellowed, "Aiyaaaaa! Stupid right these people. Who ask them to borrow from ah long?! Nobody force them to borrow from them right!"

I said, as sympathetically as I could, "It's usually cos they are driven to such a desperate state lah."

She said, "Yahhh but hello! If you're so desperate, at least you should have the brain to do it properly isn't it! Go to the bank and do properly lah! They already know ah longs are like that, what!"

Gotta give it to Vera - she points out what's real obvious, even after TWO HOURS of a movie about ah longs.

Okay, anyway, so now, I'm soooooo not going to run out of money and take a loan. No no no no no no no.

Corporate Dolly

2008-03-18T23:29:00.002+08:00

On the up: Getting professional
On the down: Corporate-ness

Now, really, who would have ever thought I would get anywhere near to something corporate?

I spend an afternoon talking about "Work Weeks" and staring at an immense excel spreadsheet detailing timelines of every project we are about to embark on. I then had a meeting with my monkeys (KMP's english team) and bossed them about and demanded for work to be handed up, if not, I may just start imposing RM10 fines and accumulate enough for a new handbag.

I'm getting very excited about the prospect of a new handbag.

THEN, I even attended a seminar this evening - a proper one, with tables and powerpoint presentations and a speaker, and people in office attire.

As I'm holding so stead-fastly onto not turning into a corporate whore, I made sure I was not wearing a proper shirt. I trotted along in my floaty skirt from Greenwich, London, with stitches in the front that spell out Buddha Loves You. It's so hippie, it's almost anti-corporate.

But being the good little trooper I am, I took notes and participated and listened hard and thought of how to apply everything.

In short: we must eat, drink, walk, talk, sit, sleep, dream the brand.

KMP is becoming my world.

Dolly hair

2008-03-17T14:46:00.002+08:00

On the up: New hairstyles
On the down: Looking like a boy

I saw this girl at 1Utama a few weeks ago that had AMAZING hair. Real long and slick in the front, and very bobbed and cropped at the back. I WANT.

If not for me rushing around, I would have forced her to stop and taken a picture of her head.

Anyway. I trotted down to The Met and told Emil my grand plan and he nodded yah yah and went about cutting my hair.

It's a GREAT hair cut, but it doesn't look quite that great on me and my head/face.

JJ looked at me and said, "Oh dear. You look like a gay boy."

Later, somebody said I looked like Paul.

Paul okay. Not Pauline or Paulette or Paula. Paul is a boy!
hmph!

How is it possible that my hair is longer now and I look like a boy!

Joy said it looks more sophisticated and grown up though. I thought "PAH! Grown up?! Who wants to look grown up?!"

But ok wait wait, now some people have a proper working title and responsibilities so maybe she has to look the part.

I'm going to try an experiment: to let my hair really grow out PROPERLY - you know, wait the whole 6 months for it to grow out to beyond my ears. And then, if it still looks crap, I'm going to chop it all off!

MacDolly

2008-03-17T01:52:00.002+08:00

On the up: MacDonalds
On the down: How unhealthy it is

I hate living where I live because it's right next to a 24-hour MacDonalds and I am forever entertaining unhealthy thoughts of running out to buy burgers and frieds and icy cokes.

Seeing as there is absolutely no time to cook, and I don't even have a fridge in the house anymore to stock healthy food, the next nearest alternative, surely, is good old MacD's. It's starting to become of the first things I think about when I wake up.

Today, I drove out twice to go there, and each time, forced myself to turn around and drive the other way. I tried telling myself that it would be much healthier to go eat a bowl of cereal and drink some nice tea.

I'm hoping that if I tell myself that enough times, it'll overpower the fries-and-coke longings.

Dolly HEART Pooh Bear

2008-03-16T04:02:00.005+08:00

On the up: JJ
On the down: Getting old!

Oh I love lazy parties where you just sit around and eat and do nothing.

JJ and YY had a birthday barbecue at their house tonight. And when I say BBQ, I mean the tiniest little pit you have ever seen - it must have been only about one foot by half a foof, and JJ cooked everything on that.

But well, these are enterprising people and soon there were sausages and burgers and to round it all off, goopey, delicious smores that Susan painstakingly made over her little makeshift campfire in the corner of their front lawn.

Even Datin came. When I heard, I asked, "Do you think Datin is going to want to eat Doritos and Ramly burgers for dinner?!" Not that she had a choice really since that's all we had. Poor Datin had to slum it with the plebs just for a night.

But heck, sometimes it's nice to just rough it out and eat rubbish.

I was screaming about how much I loved Ramly burgers when JP cut in and said, "But it's really disgusting. You know it's like all the insides and the testicals and shit right?"

I might have been mad, except that I love Ramly burgers too much to care so I had to just ignore him.

Chin Li and I kept running out for smokes (sometimes I wish I smoked just to have an excuse to run out and gossip or plot secret things). We're trying to figure out ways of seducing SP because we think he's a lovely dreamboat.

It's impossible though.

Really.

Impossible.

Got two girls throwing themselves at his feet also dowan. Or don't notice. Or pretending not to notice.

Nevermind. So we trolleyed our way upstairs to Chiarina the Ballerina's room to listen to music.

All the Chinese Chickens soon took over the songs and all these chingky chong songs started blaring through his speakers.

BK and I were not impressed, especially as all the songs sound the same.

So we wrote a little petition on my handphone, rounded up all the English-speaking ducks and sent it to Chia.

It was very neat. And it read:

To whom it may concern,
We protest what is happening here with all the Chinese songs. We would like to petition for ENGLISH SONGS! Yours truly,
Beng Kooi
Ruby
Su Ming
Sharon
Susan
David
Jamie

And he listened! (All people in power should be like Chia) and soon we got to watch Madonna's Confession's tour, all campy and happy and full of flashing lights to make us dizzy.

Dolly loves!

2008-03-16T03:52:00.003+08:00

On the up: Boys boys boys
On the down: Not getting any!

I really must stop falling in love/lust with all these boys.

Nobody is taking me seriously anymore. Me fancying someone is now equivalent to a discussion about the English weather - i.e. very likely to change within the next few hours.

Okay, not quite that frequent, but frequent enough.

I think if I ever actually started going out with someone now, all these people would start placing bets as to how long it would last.

A girl can't help it if she's fickle alright! And anyway, it's more fun to change your mind and play and flit about. Variety being the spice of life and all that, it's nice when the scenery changes and you fix your gaze on different pretty faces every few months.

The bigger problem at the moment though is that nobody plays and flits back, which is bothering me tremendously arg.

I've thought long and hard about this (among all my other deep, long contemplations about the meaning of life and impermanence and attainments, of course) and have narrowed it down to these possible reasons

1) I am the unlikeable sort and not really the kind of girl men want to bring home to introduce their mothers
2) the orange peel on my legs are scaring away prospective suitors
3) I keep falling in love with the wrong kind:
a) gay men or
b) men who trulymadlydeeply have seemed to enter the path of renunciation (read: celibacy, pah!)

This is no fun!

The mailing system

2008-03-16T03:35:00.001+08:00

On the up: Emails!
On the down: That mailing system

I can't believe it's 3am on a Saturday night and I am haemorraghing over this damn mailing system.

We set up this sophisticated lala wonderful system that sends out lots of pretty lovely emails out to everybody and anybody in the world.

We spent WEEKS perfecting it.

And it was working beauuuuuuuuuuuuutifully until tonight.

JP rang up, right in the middle of my float-in-the-clouds Tara mantras to say in his very serious no-nonsense voice that makes me want to strangle him that the system wasn't working and we had to get it fixed NOW.

Why doesn't it work.

WHY.

PROfessional Dolly

2008-03-14T22:52:00.003+08:00

On the up: New clothes!
On the down: Yucky, boring, ugly, cheap shirts

I went shoppppping today for nice new clothes to look good and professional in.

But good and professional has to be more than those just cheap, ugly shirst that you always see ugly Chinese girls walking around in during lunchtime. You know what I mean right - the girls with the baggy knee-length straight black skirts, shapeless striped shirts, cheapo black handbags and ugly strappy Vincci shoes.

YUCK.

You look at them and instantly think they must be in something highly unimaginative and boring like audit clerks or admin staff.

It's not even about being a spoilt rich bitch for me to say this - you don't have to spend loads of cash to look good. You just need imagination and creativity...

...but then again, they wouldn't be admin slaves or audit clerks in the first place if they possessed those qualities.

Anyway, back to my own shopping spree: I find it exceedingly hard to find work clothes because
a) everything I want to wear is inappropriate for work
b) everything work-related here in KL is fit only for unimaginative admin girls.

Things like Padini and G2000 make me want to hurl for their complete lack of style. It's quite amazing that they have managed to produce EXACTLY THE SAME clothes every season, every year. What you see in there now, is exactly what you would have seen in there in the early nineties!

This will not do for a Dolly, of course. I veer back towards the fun and kitsch and glitz and tack of TopShop and Forever 12.

And there I found a nice happy balance of colour! and fun styles! and kitsch! AND outfits fit for the office and for meeting Important People.

So.

I got a shiny brown shirt dress (not to be worn on its own because my legs are now tree trunks)
and a white wraparound shirt (that gives good cleavage!)
and a bright Green-Tara green top that reveals just enough of a midriff to stay in the funky range
and a super slinky black dress that makes me look thin (and that's very important.

And now work will be that much more fun now that I have beautiful clothes to wear while I'm there.

I'm so shallow, I know! But who cares as long as I get my work done!

A happier Dolly

2008-03-13T11:14:00.004+08:00

On the up: Feeling beautiful!
On the down: Feeling like a toad

I keep logging on and seeing that horrid video of the puppy. And then, some more, it's not even there anymore so now I'm just plagued with horrid impressions of it. And yah yah I know it's a fake/ already-dead dog, but that doesn't make it any less sick.

So.

We should blog about happier things.

We're planning our book launch right now and JJ is about to have my head for supper because we still haven't done the proposal properly! Eeep! I sat in the office for hours yesterday and by the time he came back to look at it, I had only written 7 lines. But but but - it will come together and it will be fabulous.

The co-eds Sharon and I also want to do another party to celebrate the book in a fun, cute place (to which the whole world will be invited!) but err, there is the question of cash and where to find it at the moment. We shall have to speak to the money fairies and ask them to leave a sack of gold under our pillows when we sleep tonight.

In the meantime, it is very important that I look a part worthy for a launch and a party. There is already the very fat photo of me guzzling a burger on the first page of the book, so I shall have to prove myself otherwise.

So.

I have been eating properly and waking up very early to go work out. I even made it for four tracks of bodystep yesterday!!! Yes yes yes! My knees are back to normal, and I have discovered glucosamine - the closest thing we shall get to god.

I also discovered, after 3 years of stepping, that the trick to bodystepping and not paralysing myself is to actually, well, step. Jumping up and down like an epileptic child doth not healthy joints make. It's not quite so cool though - stepping makes you look like a geriatric, but I suppose losing face for a while is better than losing mobility.

Horrified Dolly

2008-03-10T00:51:00.002+08:00

On the up: Compassion
On the down: Cruelty

We learn Dharma in the most unexpected ways.

Rinpoche came online and sent me this, below.

I screamed back, "I'm NOT going to watch that video. It's going to be nothing but AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL!"

He shot back, "WATCH CRUELTY TO LEARN TO BE COMPASSIONATE.

"IT'S 17 SECONDS. WATCH"

So what to do. Watch lor.

And then almost want to pass out from disbelief.

Well, I learnt a lesson today. Click and watch if you want to too.

Dolly HEART Chickens

2008-03-10T00:37:00.002+08:00

On the up: Chickens
On the down: Fried Chickens

No more fried chicken, SERIOUSLY! Poor chickens!!!!!!!!!!

Shin

2008-03-09T23:49:00.003+08:00

On the up: Shin
On the down: Her lack of tact (haha)

Shin has a spectacular gift of being able to say something really incredibly rude to someone and not offend anyone.

The other day, Joey said he wanted to get a hair cut because he thought it might make him look a bit better.

Shin snapped, very quick, very matter-of-factly, "It doesn't make a difference what hair style you have. It's still the same face."

Oh my god, the gall! She is just so very very rude!! But how funny!

Late nights with a Rinpoche

2008-03-09T23:25:00.003+08:00

On the up: Tricks
On the down: Your ego

Election day and night came and went for me. Yes, yes, I am apathetic, and I wouldn't know a BN from a DAP if an MP came an poked me in the eye.

When I spoke to a DollyDad the day before he asked if I was going to vote. I said no, I wasn't; I hadn't even registered to vote.

He was incredulous. "WHAT! How can!"

Instead, I spent the whole day in bed. I slept 14 hours. Actually, it was only 9. Then I woke up, read a bit, and went back to sleep until very very late. It was DELICIOUS.

See, I'm damn good in bed -I can sleep all day!!!

When I woke up, Rinpoche was trying to decide whether to go watch Spiderwick Chronicles or 10,000BC. I went online to go see what was on and when I saw that Spiderwick had fairies in it, I did everything I could for us to go there. I mean, fairies, or a man clubbing ancient beasts to death. C'MON. Of course the fairies!!!!!!!

We traipsed into the movies. On the way down, in the lift with a half dozen other strangers, Rinpoche started with enlightened nonsense.

"So!" he said to me with a loud, but very poker face, "Have you told your parents you're pregnant yet?!"

It was all I could do not to burst out laughing, so I spluttered out a weak, "No."

"See!" he exclaimed with a big sigh, "I told you to stop sleeping around with all those white men! I told you! It's not good! And now, you see you're pregnant! I think it must be that American man you slept with!"

All of us stood in our little tiny circles in the lift in a silent fit, trying not to laugh. I stared at the floor and tried to make myself look sorry and pathetic when really, I was giggling to death through my nose.

This isn't too new, of course.

There was also the time we were running up and down Pavilion with David and his very tight tshirt (not because it's tight but because he's round now). Just as we got onto a crowded escalator, or as we stood in a long queue, Rinpoche would bellow, "Oh my god, that's such a tight shirt. Are you gay?"

David would roll his eyes and sigh a big resigned sigh while everyone else around collapsed laughing.

Another day, Su Ming told me, as they were hopping down Jalan Alor, Rinpoche waited for exactly the moment a white dude passed by Tashi, before screaming at her, "What! You're only 120 ringgits? But that's so cheap!"

What are you supposed to do, really, when your Guru is screaming nonsense about you to the whole world. Pregnant lah, gay lah, hooker lah. What can you do really but check your mind and how you react to all the tricks.

Do we get embarrased? Scared? Mad? Want to retaliate? It's all about the tricky ego, and how puffed up we are about protecting our reputation.

And hell, the more you try to protect it, the more the Buddha is going to run it to the ground.

Well, that may be so, and for now, I know that I certainly haven't got rid of all that makes me embarrased, scared or mad.... but I think the harder task at hand, for the moment, is not to burst out laughing and spoil the game.

Shopping Dolly

2008-03-09T15:58:00.003+08:00

On the up: Shopping
On the down: Not finding anything nice

The Chief Editor thing gave me as good an excuse as any to go shopping for a new wardrobe.

Off I went to Bangsar Village to buy lots of beautiful things...

.... and then realised nothing looked good. Nothing looked good on me; and there wasn't even anything that looked good on the racks.

Then there is all the usual boring rubbish like you get at places like Padini and G2000 which is ugleeee and ordinary and uninteresting and makes me think I'd rather wear a burlap sack to work than those ugly shirts.

So.

I've decided on a far more economical way of having a nice wardrobe: to lose weight and tone up so I can fit all my old, very beautiful clothes!

Friday night

2008-03-07T21:55:00.003+08:00

On the up: The end of the week
On the down: Not having anything to do (or rather, the work that keeps you from going out)

It's Friday night! And for reasons neither of us can really fathom, JJ and I are both sitting in KMP's conference room trying to clear up the infinity of work we have piled up behind our desk and conscience.

*I* am actually doing work.

JJ on the other hand, (and I must report this because because because ..... if only you could see!), is watching a youtube video on how to fold origami elephants, and he's actually following it and making one himself.

Our lives really do become increasingly bizarre once we enter that zone.

Complaining Dolly (bzzt)

2008-03-07T21:31:00.003+08:00

On the up: The effort to improve (halo)
On the down: Complaining

It's hugely ironic (and hypocritical, I know) that I'm editing a whole bunch of teachings for a book about how we should stop complaining and I am the Queen of Complaints.

The training is being stepped up. The Buddhas have noticed just how much of a whinger I am.
complain about the weather lah
complain about my fatness lah
complain about people lah
complain about work lah
complain about the traffic jam and the potholes on the road lah

And now, every time I have met up with Rinpoche in the past two weeks, this complainy part about me has been highlighted. If I don't do something about it (and I know I should), the highlights, while jokey for now, are going to turn into the big giant flame behind Yamantaka, the Buddhas well all turn blue, manifest 36 arms and screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam until I learn my lesson.

Scared scared, I dun wan, so

I MUST JUST STOP IT WITH THE COMPLAINING.

I think I saw a cartoon once where if this character gets some sort of weird contraption stuck on his head, where everytime he says a cuss word, he gets an electric shock. And I think I really really need one of those. Everytime I complain about something,

BBBBZZZZZZZZZZTTT

... until I become a fried chicken and learn to stop being a bitch.

For now, and until someone actually invents something like this, JJ is my verbal electric shock (hence the comment).

I'm wondering though - if I don't complain, what the hell else do I have left to talk about?!!?(bzzt)

Normal Dolly

2008-03-07T18:50:00.002+08:00

On the up: Normal legs
On the down: Uncomfortable legs

I spent FIVE HOURS in the hospital today to get my legs sorted out ONCE AND FOR ALL. Two years of pain and uncomfortability (that's not a word, but I don't care) is enough for a Dolly Girl!

I swear, I must have picked the most popular orthopaedic in the whole country though. Anybody with any sort of injury was there, all squatting outside his office like refugees seeking relief from joint pain.

I asked for an MRI, just to find out what the hell is going on and why my knees still make me feel like one of those Wayang Kulit puppets, all wobbly and loose and disconnected. Also, Steven who I want to fall in love with, said he won't see me again until I get an MRI done.

The waiting for everything was never ending -
waiting for Dr Gan
waiting to do the MRI
waiting for the results
waiting to see Dr Gan again
but I am a tough girl and I was determined to grit my teeth, tough it out and GET THOSE RESULTS. The MRI itself took 40 minutes - it felt so Grey's Anatomy/House glam to be stuck under that huge white magnet. The excitement wore off quick though because when I have to just lie there and do nothing, it will eventually turn into a nap. Which it did; I even started dreaming nice things.

Then there was another one hour wait for the results.

So I went to visit the gynaecologist for a vaccination thing (please don't ask what for, it's not necessary!). Gyanaecologists really freak me out because there's all these pregnant women and children and concerned, worried fathers, and it reminds me of exactly where I don't want to be in life: married, pregnant or mother of a screaming toddler. Pregnant women really scare me, so I stuck myself in a corner and pretended to be very interested in the outdated Time magazine they had there.

When I finally went in, the Doc said, "Eh! You put on weight huh!"

When I just looked at her, she said, "Oh, didn't you? Huh? Did you put on weight?!"

Then, when I left, as I walked out and the door was swinging close, she shouted, "Eh! Don't put on too much okay!!!!!!!!"

When I got the results back, all black and filmy and revealing of the secrets of my knee, I triptrapped back to Dr Gan's and

had to wait another hour.

I did all my malas, did Callenetic exercises, cleared my phone inbox down to 548 messages and wondered what it would be like that tired looking woman with two noisy boys and a baby.

Then, drumroll, I finally got to see Dr Gan.

And all is normal!

My legs are normal, the joints are normal, the cartilage is normal and heck, he even told me I have "Good quality muscles!" I felt like a Kobe cow!

I asked him if the pain I kept feeling was maybe that overworked syndrome thing that Steven told me about. He said it could be Repetitive Strain Injury, where people overstrain their muscles from too much working out - something common among many people, and which takes AGES to heal.

Like gee! After 23 years of being a fat, blobby slob, I finally decided to take control of the fat cells and burn them off with lots of good high intensity step and and and

fail!

Want to be health and slim and beautiful and gorgeous also cannot! Finally be conscientious about diet and exercise, also cannot!

Karma means for me to be Pleasantly Plump the rest of my life (that's how someone described me before, which is whole lot nicer than saying Fat)

I must come to the deep and meaningful realisation that: in this life time, I will not look like Chin Li.

Anyway, I am a happy chappy about my legs and the doc even said I could do whatever exercise I want (within reason, like not BodyStep 6 times a day at the highest level, hmph). In fact, he even encouraged me to go try out lots of things to see what would help, since everything is in order.

I am officially not a cripple!

Dolly is important (she thinks)

2008-03-06T13:40:00.003+08:00

On the up: KMP
On the down: Not having a proper office

Say hello to your new Chief Editor of KMP's English team! I can't believe it has taken me three years to finally commit and just do it.

And so. There is lots of work to do now, including managing my own team (and really, I can't even handle myself, how the hell am I going to manage other people?) and overseeing all editing, writing coming out.

There are big big hopes for KMP, both from within and without the company and we sure as hell have to make it work by like, NOW.

I'm going to make it work and there are going to be more and more and more beautiful books in the world. Just. You. Watch!

This means I get to be a little bit important now. Like, I can scream at people, legitimately... but of course, I wouldn't. No way! I'm not like that at all! I'm going to be all love and hearts and light and peaceful resolution and everyone will love me and buy me chocolates every Friday for being such a fantastic, inspiring leader.

If I tell myself that often enough, I may believe it.

HAH!

To "welcome" me into the new job, lovely David Rabbit Lai gave me a booooooooootiful framed picture of Manjushri. Love love love!

I said, "But you know I'm going to boss you around now!"

He said, "Er, yah, that's the idea."

Liddat, how to get mad? So cute!

I've been so gooooood, come to work almost every day, on time and work and work and work like a happy little bunny. That said, it's 11pm and I'm still in the office. Need to sleep now, zzzzzzzzzz bye bye

Rich Dolly

2008-03-05T12:40:00.002+08:00

On the up: Being rich
On the dow: Being skint

I have decided that there is just no way I could be poor. I am a spoilt little stuck up rich bitch and proud of it!

Wnt shopping for food today, just for bread, cheese, fruit and tea (in line with my new health kick). One teeny basket full of stuff... and the bill came up to RM155! I realised after it was only because I had picked out all this totally nice stuff like organic Genmai Cha, imported mature cheddar and tzatziki (which always manages to blow the budget).

But but but I just couldn't live on crap, cheap food!

Late nights with a Rinpoche

2008-03-04T02:20:00.002+08:00

On the up: Boundless compassion
On the down: Complaining

I was having a nap yesterday afternoon and thinking about how I just really. really didn't want to go to Tsok because it would mean, inevitably, definitely, for sure, I would fall asleep halfway through verse 54.

I don't think there's anything more painful than falling asleep sitting upright, while trying to balance your prayer sheets and keeping anyone from noticing that your eyelids are closed because they're asleep, not because they're engaged in detailed visualisation of the Guru tree.

Anyway, BK rings up and asks what I'm doing that evening so I have a moan about going to Tsok. But but but, the Buddha was going out to dindin and he'd invited me to go eat.

"See, I think he knew you didn't want to go to Tsok!" said BK. I believed her. I think I willed it hard enough that I didn't have to go and the dakinis went back to tell him.

Again, as always happens, I had 1) oily hair and 2) was trying not to eat so much because I had been feeling sick all day. But 1) there was no time to go wash my hair and 2) we were going to a buffet.

First up, we headed out to 1Utama to go look at our Dharma outlet, DMT. We parked waaaaaay on this side, and DMT was waaaaaaay the other side so we had to walk waaaaaay cross the whole enormous mall to get there. Rinpoche strolled, the rest of us sped along as fast as our short little legs could carry us. I don't understand how it's possible that he walks so slow and relaxed, we're speeding along like marathon brisk-walkers and he's still waaaaay up ahead of us.

"I don't get it how he's always so far ahead," I panted to JP.

"That's because his one step is like three of yours," he said. And yah, I believe he's assessed it well enough seeing as he's got short legs too.

Then we went to eat!

I bitched and gossiped and gave every last remnant of new news I could as we scoffed immense amounts of food. I don't know how it is that I still, after all this time, manage to delude myself into thinking that Rinpoche asks me for new news, and updates about certain people because he is as salacious a gossip as me.

Of course he's not. The ensuing Dharma teaching, over milkshakes and chocolate fountains for dessert, stripped me bare to myself. All the gossiping, all the complaining, all the bitching was never about the other certain people. It was all about me and the question, What spiritual practice are we actually doing with these people around us?

Rinpoche had to intervene to deal with something that I had been struggling for weeks to figure out. It is shaming, somewhat, that your Guru has to do your laundry and sort out your domestic affairs when really he should be out there fighting villains and being an enlightened superhero. I apologised that I had let it get to a stage where he had to intervene.

He said, in his usual joyous way, "It's okay, Paris. It is a pleasure for me to do this, but you take it as an experience to learn from, so that in future, if you have to deal with people or situations like that again, you do it with more patience."

Some people need to be shouted at. Other wusses, like me, being told off nicely is enough to send shockwaves through my head. I can't stand it when things are not right and it will bother the shit out of me until I fix it somehow. I felt suddenly very guilty for being a bitch, and I said so. Rinpoche said, "At least you feel guilty! That's a good sign!" and turned the situation to light again.

And so I hope this means I will stop complaining about people. I must. I don't want to create that ugly karma to come back and do it all over again with a whole new set of other people.

So the bitching was never about bitching. D'oh. All these weeks of talk and gossip was just a nice way for me to reveal everything about how I deal with situations, how I complain. The point of bitching with the Buddhas is that they somehow manage to strain you dry of every last vestige of complaint you have of whatever and then they ask, "So what can we do about it?" and you have to to fix it.

And fixing doesn't mean you hire some crook to go break their legs. It has to be done with joy, not matter how much you have to grit your teeth and no matter how much you'd rather scratch their cars when they're not looking.

After dessert, Rinpoche asked after another of our friends.... which led to another 4 hour discussion about the awful mess she had stuck herself in, how the mess had now spread outwards to everyone else, and how we had to fix it.

Four of us, in neat succession, told our stories, our views, our suggestions on how to make her happy again. And Rinpoche, alert, concerned, kind, energised, bright, sad to hear of his student this way, happy to be able to help, asked a hundred questions to get to the bottom of things and listened to every last thing we had to say about every last thing.

It's funny -I guess there always a part of me us that think of Buddhas, Gurus, teachers, spiritual masters and all their reincarnations "helpthe planet" by going out there and being superheros, doing "mass salvations" of thousands of people.

I forget that helping the planet actually starts with helping every single being inside that planet.

We exhausted the whole night, until 5am talking about this one person. To someone on the outside, it may seem like a total waste of time. They would say, with their brisk 21st-century corporate ways, "Just get on with it, it's just one person, what's the big fat deal?!" Now, if people aren't working the way we'd like them to work, we get rid of them. It's easier when people are dispensible.

With Rinpoche, instead, you're forced to do intricate surgeries on every single individual you come across. He'll ask you what you think about them
why
what you think about the way they acted
why
how you think they will react
why
until you know them inside out.
And then you find ways to help them, even if it means staying up until 5am to find that way.

This matters because this one person can help another person, and another person, and another person, and so we help the whole planet.

It is a tireless job. The number of "persons" is infinite, all waiting right there with their neurosis, their hang ups, their impatience, their craziness, all waiting for someone to come and fix it.

People like Rinpoche will listen to all of the neurosis, the hang ups, the impatience, the craziness, day after day after day, incessantly, as they hang around outside and bang the door down to come in. And the amazing thing is he never, ever tires of it.

Flying in the sky, clairvoyance and controlling the weather are maybe-miracles. With the help of a bomoh and maybe-witchdoctors all kinds of supernatural stuff are possible.

But this unceasing energy and boundless compassion is not merely possible with a wave of a wand and some ugly potion. This boundless compassion and tireless drive is something none of the rest of us are going to be able to perform and achieve any time soon.

And that, truly, is what a real miracle is all about.

Hardworking Dolly

2008-03-03T14:49:00.002+08:00

On the up: My book
On the down: Total revision

Sometimes I'm so clever I amaze myself!

I've decide to revise the whole structure and JJ is most definitely going to have my head for supper.

But the book is going to be so looooo-vur-ly and it'll be something we haven't done before, so that'll be fun.

Man, we just really super duper need to get out just one spectacular book then we don't have to keep banging our heads against the wall and having Joe look like his veins are all about implode inside his head.

Annoying, because I so so so so want to start my next book already but I can't until I finish this one and this one is taking forever. And JJ is sitting next to me giving me evils so I better get back to it. I would never have thought that 23 year old kid could have such an intense control over my life, as it has over the past week.

Silent Dolly

2008-03-03T12:22:00.002+08:00

I won't scream.

I won't
I won't
I won't
I won't

Nor will I commit any acts of horror against anybody. Not even if they offend me, or irritate me, or crawl inside my skin and and scratch up my whole central nervous system.

I won't
I won't
I won't
I won't

Heavy Dolly

2008-03-02T15:31:00.003+08:00

On the up: Feeling heavy
On the down: Lightness

I'm battling this horrible heavy feeling again where I just feel like I need to collapse in a pile and sleep for 48 hours straight.

And it doesn't matter if I sleep 4 hours, or 6 hours, or 8 hours or 15 hours, I still wake up feeling like I've been sitting in one of those spinning teacups you find in fairgrounds and I'm about to fall over.

AND THEN, I still have my book to finish, which was due in July 2007 and I'm still working on it. Why does it take me so long just to edit a bunch of pages??!? And now it looks to be even more complicated, because, as I was brushing my teeth and about to tuck off to bed last night, I had a brain rush and thought it might be a good idea to restructure, revamp, redo the WHOLE BOOK.

JJ, the production manager, has been chasing for the book for months, and now that he hears this, he is going to have my head on a platter for supper.

More later, back to editing now.

Dolly videos

2008-02-28T01:44:00.004+08:00

On the up: Ladrangs
On the down: The lack of exposure and understanding of what it's all about (no, it's not just for JP Thong to feel important about himself)

Oh this is so neat neat neat! Go see Go see!

Rinpoche is a STAR (needless to say) and so is our good friend Empress Thong. Notice how she takes to the role so easily as queen of the household!

Okay folks, the ladrang is not just some place where the Lama sits about all day long. It's the heart and soul of every Dharma organisation (or monastery) and it is from here that all projects, activities and work are initiated and overseen.

It's like the head, and everything else is the body. And without the head, there ain't nothing else that's gonna work properly! This is it, this is key and this is actually what makes the whole of Kechara tick tick tick.

A big curtsey to the Empress and her Ladrang team . We love you all muchly muchly x x x

Off to a good start

2008-02-27T22:56:00.000+08:00

On the up: Brand new starts!
On the down: Exhaustion hangovers

After the hectic weekend, I feel like I am starting everything all brand new again. Suddenly, there is a big blank slate - my diary is BLANK! and I have weeks and weeks ahead of me to write and edit and finally finish my book before Joe and Susan and JJ and the whole KMP building come crashing down on me.

I've been trying to eat healthy again, ditching the McDonald's fried chicken for yoghurt and museli instead. I've also tried waking up early to go swimming - this was great, I was all bouncy bouncy, bright eyed and happy to be in the pool at 8am.

I then went to work, ate a healthy breakfast - all cereals and fruit! - and did lots of work.... although, most of it involved cleaning up someone's sloppy work, AGAIN. Let it be known that KMP editor's don't actually do any of their own work. We're forever trying to tidy other people's work because they just can't seem to be arsed to be thorough!

In any case, I'm very proud of the tutorial I did manage to salvage, I mean REDO. It was oh-so-professional and very pretty considering it was the first time I'd ever done something like that.

Then, by 3pm I got all sleepy and had to go for a nap while at work. I hid among the cushions and tried very hard to disappear so that nobody would see me slacking on the job. I said, "20 minutes, I just need 20 minutes, I'm exhausted."

It turned out to be more than that, of course. Eventually, JJ loomed over me and bellowed,

"OH MY GOD, 20 minutes turned into 2 hours!"

I think I'm still suffering from the exhaustion hangover from after the weekend. Chin Li has decided that this is whole genre of hangover on its own - the kind that doesn't need any alcohol whatsoever but still makes you feel totally like crap for days after.

Today, I was determined to wake up at 8am to clean my house. I set my phone alarm, it rang at 8am, and I hit the snooze button every 10 minutes until 11.30am. At which point, I decided to just turn it off and sleep.

At 1.30pm, I stirred away and prepared to go in for our 2 oclock meeting. I was idling in bed answering all my SMSes first, when JJ texted, "Where are you? We're starting soon."

I texted back, "coming soon! 2pm right?" then jumped out of bed and headed for the shower.

When I got back and checked my message, the only one from JJ said, "No. NOW!"

I got there. But really rather late.

FAIL.

Anyway, I've also decided to stop living in a pigsty and CLEAN MY HOUSE.

I stuck my cheesy Rihanna CD on and swept the living room, mopped three times, cleaned the kitchen, wiped off the stove which was covered in about 3 months worth of grease (and I never even cook), aired out the whole house because I don't the windows have ever been opened in the last two months, and did all my offerings.

I'm so good, I know!

I'm wondering why it is that even though I'm only ever home for a few hours each day to sleep and shower (and maybe, just maybe, eat some toast), I'm still the only one who is cleaning the house and paying all the utility bills *grumble*

But okay, whatever. We're off to a good start so I shall let other people deal with their other-people karma.

And tomorrow morning, I shall be up by dawn to go walking in the hills.... I hope!

When Dolly loves good stories

2008-02-26T01:49:00.002+08:00

On the up: Good writing
On the down: Bad advice

Recently, I went to one of these book talk things organised by one of the bookstores. Always good to go poke about and see what's happening in the local writing scene, seeing as I'm such a wannabe, try-hard sort of aspiring writer myself.

There was a panel of four writers, one of which was a really good old family friend who I've known since I was knee high. Lovely lovely, always good to go support your writerly friends.

Unfortunately for me, because I didn't wake up in time, I missed my good old writerly friend's bit of blurb. By the time I got there, it was some obnoxious lady's turn to be gabbing away. She had a sort of ridiculous pen name, that may just as well have been Xena, Warrior Princess - it was so cringeworthy and ludicrous, it was hard to get past the name enough to actually want to read what she'd written.

But okay, a rose by any other name, etc...

Perhaps I would have given her another chance, IF she hadn't started saying
- that all stories and novels have a formula
- that the first chapter must always start with the main event
- and that the next few chapters would then give background to this main event

She stressed several times that all stories must follow this formula.

Obviously, she hadn't read any Daniel DeFoe (who pioneered the novel in the 18th century), any Gustave Flaubert, any Hemingway, any Steinbeck, any Hesse, any Gabriel Garcia Marquez, any Salman Rushdie, any Henry James, any Roald Dahl, any Edgar Allen Poe, any Evelyn Waugh... oh I could go on for hours.

If indeed, she had taken some of her time to actually read proper writing by some proper old greats, she sure wouldn't have come up with this farcical theory that all stories must follow a formula.

Really, as if calling herself Xena the warrior princess wasn't bombastic enough, she had to go dig herself into a bigger hole by advising all aspiring writers to write formulaically. Really, does the world need any more formulaic Jeffrey Archers, Dan Browns and Danielle Steeles?

If that's what it means to take advice from an "established" writer, I think I'd much rather piddle on with my bad, unformulaic writing thank you very much!

Relieved Dolly

2008-02-26T01:39:00.002+08:00

On the up: Calm
On the down: Working under immense pressure

The weekend, the wedding and the Chinese New Year dinner came and went. The good thing about land mines exploding all the week long before hand, meant that the whole weekend went by like a breeze - no landmines, no surprises, not even a pip squeak of a sound. I sailed on by, the wedding was a hit, happy tears were shed and everyone was a jolly dolly.

I rewarded myself by sleeping for 14 hours, arising only at 5pm because I felt bad about keeping Sharon waiting at KMP. Nowadays, there is little I ask for, except prolonged sleep time. Even better when it's accompanied by good dreams, which I had lots of during those 14 hours.

Now life goes back to its normal calm. There is time to edit my never ending book - the one I told Joe I would complete by July last year and which is still yet to be finished. I am appalled at my total inability to get it done. JUST FINISH IT ALREADY, I hear the dakinis scream as they float by and jangle their damarus and bells extra loudly in my ears.

Also, time to start eating properly and finding time to exercise. The last week of hecticness, stress and a severe lack of time to do anything, has meant that I have been surviving on fizzy cokes and MacDonalds. Nowadays, the first thing I think of when I wake up is what I would like to eat from MacDonalds today. Worrying.

But things resume, like I said. We shall get back on track with life.

As for wedding planning and the like - it has made me decide quite certainly that when and if it's ever my turn, my wedding will only ever involve a giant beautiful cake which I shall eat all by myself, lots of good sex and happily ever after. The end.

Tired Dolly (not in that way)

2008-02-20T01:31:00.004+08:00

On the up: Energy
On the down: Fatigue

I am feeling so very tired (and not in that way!). For a change though, I'm not actually saying this as a complaint, but more as a kind of adrenaline addiction because I realised recently that I'm actually enjoying the exhaustion. I think I'm getting rather used to this distinct lack of sleep and developing a strange ability to be very productive and happy anyway, in spite of it.

Sometimes it *does* feel like there is too much going on, especially in the last two weeks. You've only got so many hours in a day, so mang legs to run, and so many hands to type articles.

BUT, *tada!* I have gained a very important realisation of late which is that, in spite of popular belief, I am not actually a typewriter.

This has made me feel much better about myself and the work I'm trying to get done. Now I suddeny realise *blink* that there is such as setting boundaries so that you can actually accomplish the things you need to accomplish without allowing people to ring you up every half an hour to ask you how to write a sentence/draft a letter/ produce a press release / proofread their work / spell check / write their articles for them.

There is nothing wrong in writing a sentence, drafting a letter, producing a press release and all the rest of it - actually, I quite enjoy it because it's so easy peasy lemon squeezy, but when there are also newsletters to produce, books to conceptualise, write and edit, scripts to plan and documentaries to film, you sometimes, just sometimes, wish you could have just ONE teensy weensy quiet little week to sit in a void to do what you need to do.

But, like I said, I know now that I'm not a typewriter, and that makes my world a little bit happier!

Dolly feels very hot

2008-02-19T15:05:00.002+08:00

I can't believe I actually went home halfway through work to change my clothes.

Well, it was hot, okay, and I hadn't realised when I got dressed this morning, just how tight my skirt actually was. Evidently, not quite as slender as I used to be. And high heels doth not convenient footwear make for traipsing up and down the hostel to run errands and the like.

And such is the luxury of working less than 2 minutes away from home. You're never short of anything - a change of clothes, running shoes for a workout after work, lip gloss for when your lips dry out in the office airconditioner. All it takes is a 5-minute time out to hop back home, run upstairs, grab what you need, and be back in at your desk before the bosses can even say "blink."

Really, what must it be like for those poor sods who actually have to wake up early and sit in traffic jams to go to work. Aw...

Bombed Dolly

2008-02-19T10:42:00.003+08:00

On the up: Getting news
On the down: Land mines

I'd never had so many land mines explode in my face in one day as I did yesterday. It was constantly BANG

bang

BANG BANG BANG

BANG BANG

BANG

By midnight, all I could do was go sit in a very quiet, dark corner by myself and drink a Coke. I was hoping that if I stayed very still and nobody noticed me, then there would be less chances of another BANG going off.

I mean, c'mon, there's only so much bad news a girl can take in a day without it affecting her nerves some how! It this was the 18th century, I would have exhausted all my smelling salts by now.

JP was the last land mine of the day. That one exploded, and set of another 20 smaller explosions so it just bang bang bang bang bang bang bang banged incessantly for a good 10 minutes, which is quite long when it's that consistent.

It was him telling us that SP was now temporarily Rinpoche's personal attendant, which suddenly threw a whole lot of things off balance. Now, not only was I panicking, and thinking of how I was going to assuage all the bitchin' I would most definitely get from the Rest of The World, but JP also kept repeating the fact.

But he's Rinpoche's personal attendant you know.
He's Rinpoche's personal attendant.
Are you going to take away Rinpoche's personal attendant?
He's Rinpoche's personal attendant, you know?
But he's Rinpoche's personal attendant!
Do you want me to tell Rinpoche that you're taking away his personal attendant?
He's Rinpoche's personal attendant!
But he's Rinpoche's personal attendant!
He's Rinpoche's personal attendant though.
But he's Rinpoche's personal attendant.
How can you take away Rinpoche's personal attendant?

It went on and on.
bang
bang
bang
bang
chitty chitty BANG BANG.

Even as we tried to put out the fire and solve the problem, he was still reminding us that SP was Rinpoche's personal attendant just in case we hadn't heard it the first 11 times.

I SCREAMED as only a banshee would. "OKAY ENOUGH ALREADY You don't have to keep telling us 50 times, I get it, I'm trying to solve it already!"

At which point he told me I had to deal with it and have more patience.... at which point it was all I could do to reach over and strangle him with his own shirt.

Land mines are still bearable.
As is the fact that he repeated the land mine about 12 times in under 5 minutes.
BUT condescension and self righteousness will NEVER sit well with this girl.

Eventually, I did a spot of driving very fast down the LDP and then went home to sleep finally, at almost 5am.

Sure felt good for the land mines to stop exploding for just those few hours. Mondays are never good news, after all.

Shallow Dolly

2008-02-13T12:00:00.004+08:00

On the up: Being silly
On the down: Shallow materialism

JJ said I'm getting too shallow but I can't help it.

And it seems to be getting worse too. I don't understand. I'm supposed to be getting more siddhi-fied, more renounced, more unattached!

First, there was that thing about Joe's car, and how I thought he looked hotter now that he had a nicer car (although, truly, you wouldn't be very turned on by the bashed up, dusty tin can he was driving around before)

Then yesterday, I was walking around 1Utama with JJ, past one of those ridiculous pink shops filled with enough cushions to suffocate an orphanage to death. I said, "I want someone to love me soooo much that they'll buy me a pink heart cushion."

JJ just looked at me, sighed and said, "Oh my god, what happened to you, why are you so shallow?!"

I walked past La Senza and proclaimed that I absolutely must have one of those new seamless bras. JJ looked at me, sighed and said, "I don't get it. It's just underwear!" (Oh ho ho, not just any underwear, my dear!)

Later in the evening, I decided that I absolutely have to go find myself some terribly rich boyfriend who adores me so much he'll just throw tens of thousands of pocket money at me every week.

Think of all the Dharma stuff I can do - the statues! the offerings! supporting the Ladrang! helping the Gaden monks!

And of course, let's not forget: the occasional shopping spree at Pavilion! lots of branded makeup! dinners everywhere! holidays in Bali!

I want a rich boyfriend. I WANT.

Then, there was this terribly lomantic story about some wedding rings about somebody I know some more! which me go all "awwww" and "ooooh" and "ahhhhhhhhh" and *blink blink*.

And now, I like SO want someone to fall trulymadlydeeply in love with me and buy me a big fat diamond ring and marry me so I can have a big fat wedding.

Okay, not really. These are just things you think about when all you really want is to take someone (a certain someone?) home to bed and languish for hours underneath the covers teehee.

Hungry Dolly

2008-02-13T10:38:00.002+08:00

On the up: Food!
On the down: Hunger

Chin Li, JJ and I went out and ate all night last night. I think we could actually have fed a small nation with what we ate.

And you know how it is when you eat a lot the night before. The next morning you wake up and you're HUNGRY AS.

Still, I took myself off to the pool to swim off some of the extra xiao long bao I ate yesterday (before I start to look like one myself). I swam and swam and swam and swam and now I feel like a sports illustrated front page model.

Okay, not really. But at least not a xiao long bao.

I was thinking all the way through all those laps about the nice marmalade on toast I would have for breakfast when I got back (part of my current obsession with oranges).

I got home, showered, got dressed in my brand new clothes, packed my bags for work and went down for TOAST!

Then found out that the bloody bread was mouldy. ARGGGGG! how is that possible! I only just bought it a few days ago AND put it in the fridge!

Back to normal

2008-02-11T21:50:00.000+08:00

On the up: Normality
On the down: That big "to do" list

Well, I sure am glad we can get back to business already. The whole big fuss over Chinese New Year is just way overrated and the biggest bloody bore ever. Sometimes, I wish we would just do away with it altogether and not bother.

But you know lah, you have to be proud to be Chinese and celebrate their biggest festival of the year blah blah blah.

Anyway, I'd been so happy as I was today that it was Monday. Finally, we can just get on with it.

Then again, I did only get to sleep at 8am this morning. By the time I woke up, it left only about one hour to do work, before I had to sort out the furniture at Drakpa House. It's just getting ridiculous - we moved in 4 months ago, and there is still half-arsed, half-assembled bits of furniture around the house, curtain-less windows, and the sorriest altar you've ever seen.

Empress JP came round to help move stuff because I'm half crippled and have sworn not to try to be a hero and lift heavy things anymore. We shifted everything around and now all the Buddhas are sitting squashed up together, like they're in a foam party.

Really, the people of the house are far outnumbered by the Buddhas - which is pretty jammy, I suppose. Maybe all the enlightened attainments they embody will seep through into my head over time.

We really MUST sort out this house. I don't want to feel like I'm living in a cardboard box anymore, thank you very much!

Underwear

2008-02-10T01:50:00.000+08:00

On the up: Boxer briefs
On the down: Boy panties

As far as selecting the right kind of boys goes, I think I draw the line at guys who wear those awful tighty briefs. yuck.

Fortunately, I've never had the misfortune of actually coming across one of those while in the throes of passion. I wouldn't quite know what I'd do if I did.
a) Feign illness and take the next taxi home?
b) Grit my teeth and see past the ugliness?
c) Tell him off for such bad taste?

I hate to be so shallow, but only boxers or boxer briefs cut it (not that I should be so picky at this stage since I'm not even getting any!). Briefs do not a sexy man make, and look appropriate only on prepubescent boys. It doesn't flatter, it's not manly in any way and well, it just looks like a bigger version of a panty. They're like speedos, you know, and nobody ever looks good in a pair of speedos.

I remember I was in love with a gym instructor once (so was Lannie, my adorable dolly-looking friend)... that is, until he wore white shorts one day and we could see through to his tighty whiteys.

She screamed down an SMS at me "Did you know he wears little white panties?!!!!" That ruined it forever. Lannie went off him straight away, and it made even lusty me think twice about flirting with him next time we went to his class.

Recently, whenever I entertain the thoughts of drugging boys and bringing them back to bed with me, the Reality Checker, JJ, pulls me back to earth with the most ugly, but timely reminders that MAYBE, what if he wears boy panties? That's enough to put a girl off sex forever.

Okay, so I must stop being so damn picky. Perhaps I should just pick b. Some is better than none, after all eh?

Picket Fence Dolly

2008-02-08T18:12:00.000+08:00

On the up: Chinese new year
On the down: Not having anywhere to go

I am bored bored bored! Chinese new year is just a big fat vacuum. On the up, this means I can sleep in and eat without feeling any morsel of guilt; on the down, this means I am bored bored bored. Everyone's gone away, the shops are all closed and there is nothing to do except look at myself in the mirror.

Today though, I thought I would make the effort to go visit Steven and his family - do the whole nice Chinese new year visiting thing. I resolved to get up early in the morning, bring along a pretty box of oranges and make it there in time for the lion dance.

I woke up too late, missed the lion dance and forgot the damn oranges.

Never mind, I made it all the way out to his big beautiful house to say hello (empty handed, the shame). I met Steven in BodyStep and while at first I was determined to dislike him because he was taking over from an instructor I adored, I now love love love LOVE LOVE him.

See, I'm really not into that whole surburban marriage thing at all but with Steven, I really really want to marry him in one of those big traditional weddings, have like a zillion kids with him, live in a beautiful house in Mutiara Damansara and go shopping on the weekends at Tescos. But hello! reality check. He is so not into me. And won't be. Ever. I must stop barking up the wrong trees!

The other thing that makes me feel annoyed and moochy when I meet up Steven is my not being able to dance up and down like a BodyStep bunny. Since he's an instructor, the mere sight of him reminds me of those good old loud, jumpy days when I was thin! beautiful! fit! and a total expert at every BS release from 55 to 63. Since screwing up my legs, I'm now fat! not quite so beautiful! and can barely remember how to hop.

Steven, because he is darling and caring like that, made me promise him that I'll go do an MRI on my legs SOON. I think I must. It's been 2 years and I really must sort it out before I drive myself nuts with the pain.

And now, I'm going out to Pavilion to go burn some cash and actually have a life. Sometimes I forget that I do actually have friends. happy noo year, moop moop.

SP

2008-02-07T22:23:00.000+08:00

On the up: Kink
On the down: Not getting any

JP has been putting ideas in my head again and because I'm so easily influenced, I let those ideas actually seep in and take root.

The most recent idea has been the SP one.

Recently, I saw SP get mad and almost-shout at someone and since he never EVER reacts to anything, it was all WOW! what a turn on! my heart beat a little faster, thud thud.

Then, today, when I had a huge long nap (oh the joy of Chinese New Year), I had this super kinky dream about SP and how sick, I actually enjoyed it. I surprise myself.

When Joy rang, I told her about it.

She laughed and laughed (in horror) and said, "OH MY GOD PARIS! I think we really have to find you a man."

I texted JP to tell him that he should fricking get out of my head already but he seemed very chuffed with himself about the whole thing. Like, wow, he'd achieved something.

Oh dear, I think this is a sign that I really should give it all up and just renounce already. It is but a sign of the times when we get far too carried away by our lusty loins and emotions of desire. Kaliyuga, indeed.

Work Dolly

2008-02-05T17:22:00.000+08:00

On the up: KMP!
On the down: The end of the week

Having just started my proper working days at KMP (as opposed to working while lolling in bed at home), I've suddenly realised, quite perversely, just how much I LOVE GOING TO WORK!

I woke up well early today - 9am is very early by my standards - and even had time to reinstall my curtain railings (again, because they keep noisily crashing down in the middle of the night, in the middle of night dreams), pack my (new very trendy leather) bag and eat breakfast.

THEN (and this is the MOST fun), I got dressed up for work!

Proper trousers, and a proper shirt.

Okay, no, not really. They're slouchy slacks, and a very frilly almost-Elizabethan ruffled shirt but it's a change from the usual gypsy skirts and my disintegrating Miss Sixty jeans.

David even sent Rinpoche a Paris-wardrobe-update so it must have been enough of a transformation even for David to notice.

There was no where to for me to sit though, since everyone is now sitting on top of each other in KMP now. We can't help it that we're just so well-loved and growing at such an enormous rate, that we're running out of space!

I shacked up temporarily on a sofa, which suits me fine.

And wow, it's just quite amazing what can be accomplished in just one proper working day. Transcribing, interviews, proofreading, writing, nmc and lunch - all in under six hours! There was even time to gossip on MSN and plan a trip to Bali.

I also spent time trying to plan a writing workshop that I'll be doing with Dory. I know, the audacity of me doing a writing workshop. But believe it or not, I did go to university, I did get a degree and I have written professionally for publications. The standard of this blog, obviously, doesn't quite reflect any sort of intelligence, but I promise, that there are still remnants of some, somewhere deep.

So far, it's not going very well. I'm not sure how I'm going to convince anyone of anything.

Very random sorts of people kept walking in and out all day and declaring very random sorts of things. It was very distracting of course, but provided much-needed entertainment for the easily restless like me.

Every few minutes, JJ skipped (yes, skipped) into the room and declared, "I WANT TO GET MARRIED". He even speaks in Caps.

Su Ming came around and bounced around the office and we talked about things that we probably shouldn't be talking about at work... but oh well, a girl needs to keep herself entertained.

Okay back to editing nmc. It's the bane of my life! For my birthday this year, please send me a very gorgeous, fair, hairless boy who will not only sleep with me, but also volunteer to take over nmc forever.

Out to play with the Buddhas

2008-02-03T18:52:00.000+08:00

On the up: Rinpoche!
On the down: His illness

We all went out to play on Friday night with the Buddhas!

I had just finished eating my very healthy dinner of roast chicken and steamed fish when I got a phone call from Beng. "Rinpoche would like to invite you out to eat Mexican. We're going to town!"

Two things always happen when I'm invited to go out with Rinpoche:
1) I am on a diet and am trying not to eat, but we will, always, inevitably, end up going out for really evil, nasty, DELICIOUS fatty food
2) My hair is an oil bomb because I hadn''t washed it that day

That day, I was
1) on a diet but would not be able to get out of eating delicious Mexican food
2) very very oily

But never mind, the Buddhas are compassionate!

Then BK told me that I'm supposed to drive Rinpoche that night which of course is totally scary because I keep bashing up my car and I'm the worst driver in KL and when you're driving around someone-no-quite-so-ordinary, you sure as hell better not go anywhere near bashing up anything. Also, my car was starting to look like the insides of Joe's old Kelisa, what with the piles of snotty tissues, old water bottles and enough supplies to keep me alive for a month.

We traipsed into town and I didn't get a single scratch. Rinpoche, the rest of the troop and I arrived unscathed and healthy!

We went into Times, where David, JJ and I crowded around the Buddhist book section and talked very, very loudly about JUST HOW GREAT Tsem Tulku Rinpoche's books were. There was a lady who was trying to browse books there and we stood all over here, passing KMP's books back and forth and making lots of noise.

Then, Rinpoche came up to us when the lady left and told us how crap our acting actually was. Oops.

It was still early, so we raided Parkson and looked at very beautiful work satchels. Rinpoche got JJ and I modelling lots of very lovely leather work bags and we looked HOT, baby!

Eventually, he told us that he wanted to buy those bags for us (and for Sharon), as a gift for our work for the Coffee Table Book. I CONFESS! I totally had my heart set on the bag already because I knew knew knew it would just look so so so perfect with my brand new shoes and my new grown up, working wardrobe. So when he offered the bag to me, I just sort of stood there and looked dumb and ridiculous, and totally unshocked, like I had expected it, which is partly true, but very embarrassing. And as the Buddhas are always perceptive, he knew straight away that all my shock was all feigned. EXPOSEE - I really am a materialistic, greedy monster.

As we went to pay for the bags though, Rinpoche reminded us again of this totally wonderful meditation to do where all beautiful things are visualised as offerings to the Buddhas - to cut our material attachments, and to generate the motivation that all we use may be to benefit others through our spiritual work.

See, even a beautiful leather bag can be Dharma!

To celebrate all things weird and wonderful, and the VERY FANTASTIC COFFEE TABLE BOOK, we went off to eat at the crazy new Mexican place down at Pavilion. Poor old Rinpoche got harrassed and picked up on again by some strange bald dude who started telling him his whole great philosophy of life. JJ and I were thinking, Well at least he gets picked up! We try everything also cannot! hah!

At some point, we realised just how obvious David's nipples were showing through his very transparent Transformers tshirt. It was like roadkill, you couldn't HELP BUT NOTICE. I had to tell him eventually, "David, you know you can REALLY see your nipples." Aiyo Poor David lah, he can be SO CUTE when he wants to be, currently is not quite so.

At some other point, Rinpoche pointed out how JJ and I looked like a couple, at which point we looked at each other and screamed quitely in our heads. I pulled a face and said, "But but but that's so INCESTROUS, Rinpoche!"

He said, "No! I'm not asking you to sleep with him! I'm just saying you look like you could be a couple."

JJ and I still silently screamed.

We were all bouncy bouncy fun fun fun, so after gobbling, we squeezed in a movie. Maaaan, this would not be such a big deal if not for the fact that the last time I went to see a movie was Superman (when?! what? Yes my dears, it was that long ago). How exciting it is to go watch a PROPER movie, especially one with the gorgeous Cate Blanchett who is ethereal and beautiful even when she is caked in a million layers of white powder.

After all the glitz and glamour of Pavilion and 17th century Elizabethan extravagance, we went down to schmooze at Jalan Alor - nothing like drinking fizzy artificially flavoured drinks in a greasy oily KFC in the middle of the greasiest, oiliest street in the world. Everyone there looked horribly drunk, or like they were about to snatch your handbag and run away. We also spotted a very pink Russian-ish peroxide-blonde who looked exactly like Paris Hilton.

And before we knew it, adventures with the Buddha were over. It went by *snap* in a flash, and soon it was time to take our inspiration-filled heads home and sleep on our aspirations: because all really feels totally possible after a few hours with Rinpoche, the Buddhas, and all the lights in the world.

No matter how silly, or samsara fun, or crazy it seems, it's all like a little piece of Enlightenment that you take home with you.

Coffee table Dolly

2008-02-01T13:40:00.000+08:00

On the up: If not now, when?
On the down: Bad spelling

Our new book is OUT! It is PERFECT and anyone who doesn't like it... well, too bad for you! Read all about it on our new, pink Kechara Media and Publications blog

I decided to go out and have a life to celebrate the book, so I went out to meet the most fabulous person under 30, Vera, at a new salon/boutique launch in Bangsar, Replacement. And boy is it SERIOUSLY SEXY!

Everybody there had amazing hairstyles - really, you never thought it was possible for there to be so many people with such great hair in such a small place. Lots of short crops on the girls, a nice bloody change from all the boring long blah blah dos. See, I was all RIGHT about short hair being far more stylish than Rapunzels. And totally cute orange and grey retro dresses.

BUT, the whole place had turned into a giant smoke bomb and Vera and I started to feel seriously like we were being gassed, so we went for coffee instead.

THEN, Vera asked me to come along with her to go see this shop, ELO. I was all "No! I want to go home and sleeeeep" but okay, it's not everyday I get to see her, so we went.

AND OH MY GOD, it is the most amazing shoe place I've ever seen in Malaysia. Beautiful shoes everywhere, and all in my size! I did the proverbial dying and going to shoe heaven. So I bought! A giant pink bag, white pumps and very sexy grown up peep toe grey heels. Chinese New Year always justifies buying plenty of new things that you never need.

Anyway, like I've written in Kechara pub, JJ sent me a message about the book halfway through me slipping on a 3-inch pink pump. So then I got real damn freaked out that Joe (and Buddha) would be waiting there big spears to poke through my ears.

When I got back, JJ said, "Oh, we found another mistake" which was a missing comma. And I am completely obsessive compulsive about commas so I freaked again.

Then I plucked up the courage to go say hello to Joe. scared scared!

But Joe was happy and was so Rinpoche, so if the Buddhas and dakinis are happy, then I'm happy. (Or happier anyway, cos I'm still stressing about the comma).

I got all bouncy bouncy and happy and WIDE AWAKE and didn't want to sleep anymore, so Su Ming and I decided to go buy slurpees for Shin.

Shin told us they don't do slurpees are night.

WHAT?! How can they not do Slurpees at night? We were determined to prove her wrong so we went. THEN, Joe even offered to drive us there in his brand new hot wheels! I told him he suddenly got way hotter now that he's got this super sexy car - that's shallow mallow but SERIOUSLY, THE CAR IS SO DAMN HOT! Su Ming and I danced around and then took turns to sit in the front.

On the way back, we had a discussion of what it is to be chubby. He said Su Ming is chubby. Su Ming is nearing a size 6, how can she be chubby, What are you on Joe?!?! I said, "Su Ming isn't chubby!!!!!"

So he asked who is?

I said, "I'm chubby, but Su Ming definitely isn't!"

Then (the idiot!) said, "Yah! You're chubby. Yup, you're definitely chubby, You're chubby alright, you are chubby."

I had to jump in and say, "Okay! Enough already, you've already said it four times!" gee!

We went back to KMP and I was still bouncy bouncy so thought I'd stay up and play with the ladrang people. This inevitably means that I will end up editing an article (how is it possible that there's so many articles to edit all the time?).

I sat there and watched dinosaur JP spend about an hour attaching photos to his 2-paragraph article. Then I tried to edit it, although what can you really edit out of 2 paragraphs? I told him he needed to expand it. So he spent another 20 minutes looking at the screen, and he looked so pathetic I couldn't tahan anymore so had to take the laptop away and write it myself.

He was very happy about that, because then he could sit around and talk about how he was going to marry off Jenny and Su Ming and SP and everyone else in the world to rich people. I have NO idea how he knows all these people and all this gossip but he is the human version of Hello! magazine. REALLY.

So we've decided to
- wrap up Su Ming in a box with a big ribbon, to be offered up to Teh Hong Piow
- marry Jenny off to one of JP's rich but very short friends (Jenny asked if he can wear platforms) and
- sell off SP as a gigolo (although we're not sure he quite meets the criteria yet or if there's really a demand... hehe)

We REALLY need to come up with more viable fund raising schemes.

At some point, Jenny shouted across the room, "EH! You put on A LOT OF WEIGHT huh? Your face lah! So round now."

Leave my weight alone, yo!

In any case, I *am* trying to get a bit healthier and fitter and reduce the blobbiness in time for the wedding. So this involves no snacking, and a return to channelling the energies of St Tropez as I go swimming under blue skies (plenty of those these days). This also means no evil Chinese new year cookies (which, let's face it, never ever taste as good as they look). I have resolved only to eating oranges!

Dolly the wedding planner

2008-01-30T15:03:00.000+08:00

On the up: All those pretty wedding things
On the down: Coordination

Joy and I spent 8 hours looking for a party dress for her wedding yesterday. As a self-professed shopping whore, I have to say even I've never seen so many dresses in a day.And if I have to look at another pair of silver shoes, I will scream!

It is just so funny going shopping with Joy though - we are like the worst examples of how a to-be bride and wedding planner should be.

We are totally disorganised and we spend more time smoking cigarettes and eating ice cream than doing what we're supposed to do.

But heck! It's supposed to be fun, isn't it?!?!

Dolly's exciting life

2008-01-24T18:18:00.001+08:00

On the up: Excitement
On the down: My life, at a standstill

Sometimes I read other people's blogs and I wonder if their lives really are *that* exciting or if they just manage to make it sound that way.

Why does everything feel so boring at the moment.

After Dr Seow broke my back (well, not really, he fixed it actually but it felt like someone bashed it to bits) I came home and collapsed in a pile. Then I slept 16 hours and had many wonderful dreams, including one of living with Clive Owen in a very pretty house.

I woke up and still felt like a horse had trod on my back. I ate something, then did my sadhana,

THEN WENT BACK TO SLEEP.

FOR ANOTHER 15 HOURS.

Like, how is that even possible, you ask, I ask, we all ask.

I have to say though, that since the mammoth 31 hours, I have been feeling bloody good, like I haven't felt in MONTHS.

Before that, I felt like I was going to smash into smithereens from all the upside-down jetlag that I've self-imposed on myself with the late bedtimes and later getting-up-times.

HOW DO THE LADRANG PEOPLE DO IT. They are not humans, I tell you. They are magical emanations of dakinis. Or cyborgs.

For some excitement, I thought I would go cut my hair yesterday at The Met (my most favourite salon in the whole wide world, with the bestest stylists ever). Then I remembered I'm not allowed to do anything with my hair because of the filming stuff. So all I could do was trim it. bleah.

By Emil The Stylist is fabulous and trimmed it into a pseudo-almost-bob. With my swirly purple and yellow I felt so sixties, so girly, so Mary Quant wheeee!

Later, I saw JP and said, "I got my hair cut! Do you like my new sixties hair style?"

He said, "What hair style? You got your hair cut?" *smack*

Then this morning I woke up and it's all flat and not bob-like at all anymore and I feel like a coconut.

BUT I shall persevere with this bob thing. Emil said I have a "very round-shaped head" which would be great for holding up a bob without any product. Well, I do have a bloody strangely shaped head and I'm glad it's finally good for something!

Okay, me talking about my hair is a true indication of just how uninteresting my life is at the moment.

Dolly's knees

2008-01-22T21:51:00.000+08:00

On the up: Running
On the down: Hobbling

I am so damn sick of my horrid knees! I wish I could saw them off and get new ones.

JJ said, "Oh goodie, then we can boil your legs up and have chicken feet soup."

EEWWW!

I went all the way down to Melaka to get them fixed yesterday. And boy did the doctor fix them. He fixed my back too and now I feel like someone bashed me real hard with a giant bommyknocker stick right in the small of my back. *BASH*.

He said I could swim though, yay! So I thought I would go and swim a bit today; I thought it might help somehow. I thought real wrong. IT STILL HURTS. Stoopid me.

See, lesson learnt: Don't jump up and down like a mad woman in body step classes every single day of the week. Gym instructors can do it because they're trained, but normal nobodies like you and I are going to wreck something by jumping about like crazed, possessed rabid monsters. It makes you REALLY DAMN SUPER THIN AND BEAUTIFUL and you burn a million calories but it's so not worth having painful, fall-apart knees for the next few YEARS!

MEH!

Dolly and the dowry

2008-01-20T02:40:00.001+08:00

On the up: Gossip
On the down: JP's big clackety mouth

Empress JP is at it again.

This is an example of just how much of a woman he can be.

The other day, at about 2am in the morning, he rang me up.

"Guess what guess what! I have news for you!!! You're going to be sooooooooooooo excited."

I said, "What what!"

He said, "It's sooooo exciting! I'm so happy for you! Are you ready? Are you listening? Are you excited? Man, you're going to be soooooo SEX-cited!"

Okay okay, get on with it already, dude.

You could imagine drumrolls, it was that dramatic.

So?

He said, "We found out! SP's looking for a girlfriend!"

*smack on the forehead* I said, "Oh my god. That's it?"

Then he spent the next ten minutes on the phone trying to convince me that I should go out with SP.

I was all no no no no no no no nooooooooooooooooooo.

So then Jenny got on the phone to try to convince me.

I said, "You people so damn free in the ladrang issit!"

In their zeal, they had forgotten the most important question which was whether or not SP was even interested in me, like Hello! Check with the man first lah before you start matching horoscopes and making plans like real ah-so's!

I told the Empress that the last time she tried to play matchmaker it was a disaster so why should I listen to any more of her grand recommendations!

He said, "Oh no no no, that was a mistake. This time, it's different!"

Over the next few days, I decided to leave it be and keep quiet before JP got any more grand ideas.

Then today, he asked me, in front of SP, "How much do you have in your bank account?"

Like I would tell him, d'oh.

He asked, "Do you have five million?"

Like er, no of course not!

He suggested, very cleverly, "Why don't you ask your dad to give you five million."

What for?

He said, "SP said he would marry you if you had five to ten million. And I get 10% of the dowry, so that's about 500k!"

I said, "I don't want to marry SP!"

"But you can have him if you have five million."

"But I don't want to marry him!"

It went on like that for a while. Eventually he said, "Well, I'm just trying to help you! I'm creating opportunities for you but you don't want!" Like I was being so ungrateful and difficult, hah!

SP was lying in a corner, trying to sleep so he didn't do anything except grunt a few times - I can't figure out if it was in agreement or disgust.

Oh my god, sometimes that JP really needs a punch in the eye for being so exasperating but you just can't bring yourself to do it because it's all so damn funny.

Dolly has a lot to learn

2008-01-19T03:33:00.000+08:00

On the up: Bodhicitta
On the down: Not having it!

I found it pretty interesting that someone left a comment recently about how my blog is such a bad reflection of Kechara House and Rinpoche. I throw one big BF on my blog because I was mad and frustrated about something, and I was suddenly totally discredited for ruining the name of Buddhism.

Sure, I *am* trying to follow a spiritual path and yes, I do call myself a Buddhist, but that also doesn't mean I fart rainbows and I speak of enlightened qualities. I have shitty days, I have mad days and I have days that I want to run people over with my car.

I took that post down (as you've read) not because someone called me a "bad Buddhist" but because of how much it really did hurt someone. My big, stupid ego stood in the way of me taking it down before - yes, it was all done out of spite and anger. I knew it all along, even as I was writing it but I finally faced it properly to take it down.

I've spent the last few days feeling totally shitty about the whole thing. I'm conflicted because I still stand by what I felt about what the dogs' living conditions then (although that is resolved now) but I'm also shitted about the way I didn't handle the situation any better, other than let my rage go nuts on me.

I have days when I'm working hands-on with the teachings through my editing and writing work, and I think I will never, ever be angry ever again. Then I have a big disagreement with someone and it drives me mad with irritation for the rest of the day. Or I just can't get through to someone and I get totally consumed and angry.

Then, the worst part is that not only do I feel angry, but then I feel totally guilty for getting angry. I told Rinpoche once that it was easier before I knew Dharma, because then I could just get angry, enjoy being angry and plot ways to get back at people. Now, I get angry, and then I just feel shit about it. Now, there's something worse than being angry, which is knowing that you've totally screwed up something and somebody is hurting because of it.

My point is that even as Buddhists, we still get mad, we still get hateful and we still want to "get someone back." We also feel guilty, we feel sad, we have arguments with people and then regret that we didn't go about it a different way. As Buddhists, we're still people, we still fuck up and go crazy on ourselves and on the people around us. That's not an excuse, but it's saying that to expect me to spew hearts and write only about how much I love the world every day is unrealistic and is not really what it's all about.

Sure, I could write ONLY about the good things, but that's not who I really am or what my world, work and spiritual practice is actually about. This blog is about one person's spiritual path, including all the rubbish, the mistakes, the conflicts that arise out of it.

I totally disagree with someone telling me I am a bad Buddhist and a bad reflection of Dharma. I'd like to think I am a real reflection of what people on a spiritual/Dharma path actually are.
If these people could see what actually goes on in spiritual circles and Dharma centres they would be shocked out of their little minds. They would see that we scream hell at each other, we fight, we bitch, we gossip, we get political, we play mind games. We also laugh, we play, we drop everything to help someone, we stay up until 4am to mop our friend's floor, we plan each other's weddings. We do everything that everyone outside does because we are just like everyone outside. I'd like to think that the difference lies in how we react to these situations, or learn from it - maybe not immediately but definitely within a period of days, weeks or months. The lessons come nicely but they also hit hard and we're all just trying to learn it. I know I am.

So please keep your judgements to yourself unless you actually know who I am and know me well, thank you very much!!

2008-01-17T01:33:00.001+08:00

I have removed *that* post. I still believe in giving dogs better living conditions but there was nothing but negativity coming out of that entry so I thought it would better not to have it up (even though all I wanted to do was express my frustrations; it is my blog and I should be allowed to do that after all!) The fact is that the dogs are well taken care of now, and that's the most important thing.

I'm not going to comment on this issue anymore. I know where I stand and that's really all I need and want to know.

Wedding Dolly

2008-01-16T00:37:00.000+08:00

On the up: Wedding parties
On the down: Not finding a husband

As the now-official wedding planner, I went wedding gown shopping with Joy today (like 9 hours!) I've never seen so many wedding dresses in my life.

See, karma has a funny way of doing things: how did someone so anti-weddings like me end up writing for a bridal magazine AND planning a wedding within the span of only two months. Anyway, there's nothing you can't do when you put your mind to it and this is going to be a SPLENDID WEDDING just you watch!

Joy already looks gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous, even when she's just trying on dresses half asleep, and half ill. I can't wait for the whole thing to be put together plus the hair, plus the makeup, plus the glittery shoes, plus the big fat cake!

After the whole day, now I want to get married!

No no no no, not for the whole commitment thing, or the marriage til-death-do-us-part thing, or the love-forever thing, or the you-make-me-complete thing.

But just for the BIG FAT WEDDING PARTY. I'm looking most forward to
The cake!
The dress!
The vodka!

I've already picked out what kind of dress I want. All day, I kept trying to get Joy to try on the crazy big enormous can-can type dresses. "THAT ONE THAT ONE TRY THAT ONE!" But Joy is sophisticated and classic and she just gave me this look and said, "Yes, Yes that's very YOU lah." I'm so excited! I want to make my dress now! And I think I've got to start trying to lose weight RIGHT NOW for my future imaginary wedding party because I am as big as a house.

And the cake! I'm not sharing the cake with anyone. The guests will have their own separate cake. And I am going to eat my wedding cake all by myself - all three tiers of it.

And the vodka! No big horrid poncey Chinese dinner. Just a big fat pool party, where the pool is filled only with vodka and the decorations are made out of martini glasses.

Now the only problem is I have to find me a bloody husband and do all that commitment rubbish.

Variety Show Dolly

2008-01-15T02:00:00.000+08:00

On the up: New experiences
On the down: Unpredictability

Well, I have to say, sometimes I just love my life because it just never, never, ever, ever gets boring.

I was thinking recently about how my days and "work" can now vary from editing books,
to planning book launches in Pavilion,
to cleaning the bathroom (not my own),
to travelling to France/China/India/Thailand at the drop of a hat,
to proofreading badly written articles,
to figuring out how to start up my own business
to managing a guest house and wondering why the hell the ceiling keeps leaking,
to planning a wedding (again, not my own),
to volunteering at the world's largest thangka exhibition,
to organising film shoots of myself (narcissism at its height),
to having two-hour discussions on how to make Joe happy,
to planning a new fashion website,
to interviewing jazz artistes and checking out art exhibitions,
to rolling mantras,
to chauffering around a little dog (also not my own),
to having very serious discussions about DVD cases (black? or white? or clear plastic?).

And this is all in the name of work, career and "what I do." Sometimes when I meet people who I haven't seen in ages and they ask me "so what are you up to?" I have no idea what to tell them.

When I meet new people and they ask that awful question "What do you do?" I bag it all together and say "I'm a freelance writer" which is partly true for probably about 10% of the week.

Well, the point is that being a proper writer is where I really want to get, so I'm doing it the tantra way and "taking the result onto the path" and telling people that that's what I am right now. Positive affirmation etc (If you have no idea about tantra and "taking the result onto the path" thingy then okay never mind, it's complicated. Go to youtube and listen to all of Rinpoche's teachings.)

There are hundreds more random things I end up doing. It's all a learning curve, I tell myself, as I figure out a way to scrub the scum off a soap dish / try to understand what the hell Jason is talking about when he explains all that business stuff to me / figure out how and where to find English Hospital blankets / sit in the middle of a wedding exhibition on a Sunday afternoon (not for myself).

See, I love being me. It's never a dull moment.

Vajrasattva

2008-01-06T19:13:00.000+08:00

On the up: Sa Ding Ding
On the down: Not being able to get started on the preliminaries

I told Shin I want Vajrasattva as my boyfriend because he's so fricking hot.

But then she pointed out that since he's all about purification he would probably run me over with his car every day or slap me silly or something.

Oh and that thing about him being a Buddha, which would technically make it pretty hard to date him wouldn't it.

He also has an incredibly neat mantra that always sounds so very very very hot as a song.

Sa DingDing did a fantastic version of the mantra and made a boooootiful video. It's the first time I've ever actually gone out and bought a CD by a Chinese artiste. And now I'm obsessed and spent a whole evening editing the song just so I could fix it as my phone ring tone. Go watch watch watch!

And then Singa Rinpoche's uber trendy version:

(But Tsem Rinpoche is hotter and don't you forget it! - isn't this such propaganda hehe!)

Everytime I hear these songs and watch the videos I get all *BUZZ* and think "Yes yes yes! I'm going to start my 100,000 Vajrasattva preliminaries" - that's 100,000 recitations of Vajrasattva's mantra. Not the OM VAJRASATTVA HUNG one but this one:

OM BENZASATTO SAMAYA MANU PALAYA BENZASATTO TENO PATITA DIDRO MAY BHAWA SUTO KAYO MAY BHAWA SUPO KAYO MAY BAHWA ANU RAKTO MAY BAHWA SARWA SIDDHI ME PAR YATSA SARWA KARMA SUT TSA ME TISHTAM SHRIYAM KURU HUM HA HA HA HA HO BHAGAWAN SARWA TATAGATA BENZA MA MAY MUN TSA BENZA BAWA MAHA SAMAYA SATTO AH HUNG PHET

It sounds so fun and neat when sung but but but

so damn difficult to do it myself. It's sooooo long and I have the patience and attention span of a fish.

But I guess that's the whole point innit... the developing patience thing.

See, it would be easier to just date Vajrasattva.

Dolly the Dharma princess

2008-01-03T23:49:00.000+08:00

On the up: Pink!
On the down: Not getting enough people to wear it

Well, so in case you didn't already know, fabulous Kechara in Motion (KIM) just launched the first episode of its newest reality show, The Dharma Princess Diaries, the the Dharma Princess is, of course, ME!

Dharma I'm not so sure about (yet), but the Princess part about being stuck up and spoilt and demanding is very true. I didn't think you could be Dharma and stuckup/spoilt/demanding but apparently you CAN!

Watch this to seeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Then, we had a party to celebrate the launch, complete with a popcorn machine, gourmet coffee (all sponsored!) and fluffy pink door gifts.

I demanded that everybody wear pink, even Howie the camera man.

Then, I knew everyone would expect me to turn up in fluff and tiaras and metres and metres of pink. So of course I didn't. The whole point is to keep em guessing innit? so I turned up looking very corporate. It was so unlike me even I was surprised!

Sharon and Miss Han should be given a million bucks each for putting up with me. They are the bestest bestest producers in the world and don't you forget it! Miss Han went from producing Fear Factor to well, dealing with a spoilt pink princess. Even she wore pink, but she hid it under her white shirt.

All my most favourite people in the world were there to celebrate Christmas and new year and ME (okay, I may as well stop pretending to be modest, I love the attention!). Even lovely jubly Rinpoche came to the premier. How many other people can say the Buddhas turn up at their premiers! so Pffft!

Buddha brought a big surprise with him when he came - my mum! Tucked off in the back seat of his car.

Jenny was all, "Go open the door for Rinpoche when he comes and offer him a khata."

I'm like "Why? Miss Han should do it, she's the head of KIM what."

Jenny's like "Just do it. Got meaning one."

And Jenny's quite scary so you just do whatever she tells you to do, damnit.

I was so damn nervous. Like in case I step on Rinpoche's foot, or shut the door on his fingers or something, so I didn't even notice that Muppet was sitting in the backseat.

Rinpoche's like "Look who I brought with me!"

Oh my god, such confusion.
Your Guru here.
And your mother there.
And like you want to hug them both.
So how.

Rinpoche's like, "Give your mum the khata!"
My mum's like, "I have one already, give the khata to Rinpoche!"
So I stuttered back and forth for ages and ages like a real dumb princess.

Later, Muppet got an audience with Rinpoche and I got to sneak in toooooo. And we even gotRainbow Brite JP into the photo (oh eeewwww how ugly is he in this photo).

I know this sounds so 5-year-old but it was just the bestest bestest Christmas ever!!! And Rinpoche loved the Dharma Princess Diaries, wheeeeeeeeee!

And everyone was happy smappy and dancing about and singing and looking BRIGHT AS BUTTONS!

There was Grace and Eddie who are the cutest people ever. When I grow up I also want to be like them because they like, never ever seem to get cross at anything and have infinite patience for everything (even when I screwed up the wall mural the other day and Grace had to come rescue all my bad splotches).

Pooh bear came too! and he found Tigger!

And my most favourite pink smiley spirit-girl Su Ming!!! Everyone is in PINK! love love love love love (note how Paulyne is at the back looking very stressed again, poor Paulyne).

Joey Wong did NOT wear pink and I will make him pay for it! We are friends now. Earlier last year I like really wanted to beat him up with a stick, but then I said sorry for being the real life version of Rachel McAdams from that movie Mean Girls and now we're pals! I'm still not happy he wore BLUE though. Tsk!

BUT, even Joy wore pink which is a big deal because she NEVER wears pink. I've known Joy since forever and ever and she has put up with me from Day One when I ran around Nepal harrassing her with questions about karma. Joy Joy Joy: remember how we went into every single shop in Boudhanath to find our very first Taras together, And now we each have 21!

Sharon is the only person whose writing I can read without wanting to throw up over my computer. hah! (See what I mean about snob and spoilt and demanding and all that). Also, she and Miss Han put the whole Princess video together (and now have to do another 12 episodes!!!) so she shall be magically transformed into a Bodhisattva by the end of it (she's already almost there anyway).

EVERYBODY (and I mean EVERYBODY)'s favourite designer Eric Choong came toooo. Isn't it amazing how someone can get so up-there and famous and still be so damn nice and not give a shit about any of that. And I still DON'T believe for a second that he is 45. My ass! If he's 45, I'm 108.

So we MUST take a photo together CLICK.

But Eric Choong is not Eric Choong without his glasses so he INSISTED we take more photos with glasses. I hate it that Eric looks younger than me here and he's like 20 years older than me!

And Chin Liiiii is the nuttiest person ever. She is also an emanation of a chopstick which means that even if I bind myself up in tight bandages I will still look like a sow next to her.

There are heaps and heaps and heaps more photos but I don't know where they are. Someone sneaky took all the photos and disappeared with them. So these ones of my fat legs will have to do.

Now all of you have to go watch the video when the full version is up on KIM's website if not I will throw a Princess Tantrum and kick you with my pointy pink shoes!

Hostel Dolly

2008-01-03T21:37:00.000+08:00

On the up: The Hostel
On the down: Managing it

You know how things can get so wrong that you start to find it funny? The Kechara Guest House has been a monster house since it opened... I'm starting to think even Bates Motel didn't have as many problems (apart from the getting killed in the shower thing, of course).

There was that thing a few days where Su Ming and I found ourselves squatting on the hostel shower floor at midnight scraping the lacquer off the floor tiles with our fingernails because it had melted off and was starting to peel. There is NOTHING fun about scraping off bits of rubber or whatever it is with your fingernails, but it has to be done.

Beng Kooi came along with some Coke and poured it over the tiles to dissolve away the scum. It didn't work.

We had to come back the next day and scrape it off with knives.

The next day, I seemed to find this incredibly funny although no one else seemed to think so - a sure sign as ever that maybe you're starting to flip out a bit.

Then, the next next day, we came back up to the hostel to sort out some last minute stuff and opened one of the doors and discovered
that the whole damn room
had
flooded.

This is AFTER a giant leak had already been fixed a few months ago.

So we spent the rest of the evening mopping up puddles and chucking out heaps of sodden things.

A few weeks ago, the toilet didn't flush and then suddenly Margaret or Paulyne or May called me up and said "guess what, the toilet doesn't flush and now it overflowed and there is shit all over the floor."

But a Bodhisattva managed to get someone in to fix it before the day was out.

And then all the furniture that keeps appearing and disappearing from the hostel. Like, I'm sure all six of those five-foot tables weren't there the last time I came up! Where did they come from?! And what happened to the sofa? And why did the microwave grow legs and run away? And why do baskets and baskets of food keep manifesting on the shelves like an Enid Blyton book?

It's all very peculiar, said the girl to herself.

I am starting to find it all very funny but I hope things start to find some sort of order because I can't spend my whole life solving the case of the missing furniture and scraping away at tiles like that crazy lady from Charlotte Perkins Gilman's short story, "The Yellow Wallpaper" (read it, it will freak you out!)

Dolly karma

2008-01-03T16:29:00.000+08:00

On the up: Karma
On the down: KARMA

I don't know how this is possible

but my ex boyfriend has reincarnated back into my life, without even having to die.

Or maybe he just sat quietly in his bedroom and emanated himself out in another form. Yes, I think that must be it.

It's like the 21 different emanations of Taras, except in this case it's 21 maras and they're all out to teach me some kind of very taxing lesson.

I'm beginning to suspect though, that I must have done something seriously wrong and still haven't learnt the bloody lesson - non-attachment and letting go and learning to develop the Bodhicitta mind and abide in equanimity and all that.

And when you don't learn the lesson, karma makes sure get the same situation over and over again until you do.

And so, history repeats.

Dolly asleep

2007-12-31T02:36:00.000+08:00

On the up: Sleep
On the down: No sleep

I want to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!

But okay, shut up already and stop complaining.

Look at how horridly haggard JP looks these days, and realise that you have more than your fair share of zzzzs already!

A calm but hungry Dolly

2007-12-21T02:01:00.000+08:00

On the up: Peace
On the down: Being hungry!

Okay, so there is peace once again in Dolly's head and world - nice when there is reorder in the world again.

Had a most most most most most splendid Christmas party on Sunday and a premier of my reality show huzzah! Everyone loved it - I mean, of course, what's not to love!

And I did manage to shock everyone a little bit with my outfit - it was so not me!

Now I've decided to take the 8 precepts in dedication of Rinpoche's health and I know I shouldn't bitch about it but but but I sooo can't do this one vegetarian meal a day thing. I SO just WANT TO EAT FRIED CHICKEN and pepperoni pizza and char siu rice and steak!

My mother said, "Is this forever?"

Oh my god, I know I'm trying to be schmoly but I'm really not a nun yet!

This also means no turkey this Christmas which made me grumpy for about 5 seconds then I thought, well heck, there'll be other Christmasses but there aren't other Rinpoches! And when he's as ill as he was earlier this week, I'll give up the turkey man! And the fried chicken, the pepperoni pizza, the char siu and the steak.

And try to stop being a bitch.

And never, ever complain again about work.

Just please get well Rinpoche! love love love

M&S Dolly

2007-12-11T16:22:00.000+08:00

On the up: Knickers
On the down: Uncomfy pants

I did something which merits a big confession on dollyblog - I did a huge, enormous shop today and now I feel slightly guilty.

I'm going through one of those phases where I just want to wear cotton knickers all the time. None of that fancy stuff anymore - just good, old plain Marks and Sparks, which don't itch, don't scratch, don't ride up in the wrong places. So today I raided M&S and La Senza for KNICKERS! A early christmas present - aren't I so very adventurous when it comes to presents.

Thing is though, M&S only had all these pastel colours. My underwear staples are blacks, whites, reds and pinks so all the light blue and yellow and (YUCK YUCK double YUCK) flesh coloured knickers caused a big dilemma.

SOME MORE, as if the selection here isn't tiny enough, 80% of the tiny selection was all prints and that is just so not on. There's nothing uncooler than bending over and seeing that someone is wearing multicoloured polka dotted knickers, or some horrid print with flowers and butterflies. It's okay if you're about 6 but otherwise it's just naf.

Then I got bedroom slippers and new, cosy pyjammys - I'm all set to just live in my bedroom forever and ever!

Also, as we're having a premier for my new reality show (whee! as if that isn't going to blow up my ego more), I decided I MUST have a new outfit. I'm sure everyone is expecting me to turn up looking like a strawberry (various shades of pink and red) and decked out in something revealing and inappropriate as usual.

BUT HAH!
I shall shock them. My outfit is just so unlike me I even shocked myself.

Gaden Dolly

2007-12-09T17:06:00.000+08:00

On the up: 3 days in Gaden
On the down: Coming back to earth *plop*

This post is really overdue but then again, it's always a perfect time to read and write about Gaden. I'm also feeling grumpy, so this is very timely for keeping the nerves in check. Who needs prozac when you have Gaden.

Tsongkhapa is a dude - he really knew what he was talking about when he named the monastery Gaden (as in, the Heaven) because it really feels like a whole different other world. All you need are cloud cars, and you could mistake it for carebear land. It's full of magic!

We were there for 3 1/2 days to make offerings to the Sangha (KH raised heaps of cash for their hospital), obtain forewords from the high lamas for KMP's new books and to conduct interviews with the sangha for Rinpoche's biography.

It was just

amazing

amazing

amazing

amazing
amazing
amazing
amazing

amazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing
*zing*

and I never wanted to leave.

When I came back, I spent the next week moping about being depressed about being thrown back to earth... then realised that hey, neither the care bears nor the Bodhisattvas get depressed about being in samsara.

SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY!

I think it's the only place I have ever been to where I never thought once about wanting to go home. YekYee was totally amazed that I never complained once.

Seriously, all the old lamas there look like Yoda. Yoda is a Buddha, and don't you forget it. If you ever get to meet Kensur Konchok Tsering Rinpoche (the abbot emeritus), you will agree with me that yoda exists for real.

Pictures speak 1000 words and blah blah so here's some of my best

At a Kalarupa puja, complete with ritual instruments, like drums, cymbals and thighbone trumpets. It's absolutely spectacular and the whole prayer hall reverberates with energy when pujas are in progress.

Geshe Lobsang Wangchuk, one of Rinpoche's oldest friends from Gaden (check out the NEAT book he's reading! hehe)

At an (early!) morning debate session. Because the Gelugpra tradition places a stron emphasis on study, debate sessions are held twice daily for the monks to discuss and strengthen what is learnt in teachings and through scriptures. One person takes the position as a Buddhist, and another as an opponent to Buddhism, and they debate it all out until they get a thorough understanding of all topics.

We got to mooch around the monastery for four days and see how the monks live, eat, work, pray. I love all these in-the-moment photos of the monks just hanging out, being, well, monks! For them, it's like they're just being "normal;" for us, it's like a whole paradise of 3000 people straight on their way to enlightenment. See!